Newest Members
Serenity40, markm, hans32, SilentNoLonger, masryt
12132 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
casey (45), flaredsoul (31), Madcap (29), susie24 (59)
Who's Online
1 registered (Banjo596), 50 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12132 Members
73 Forums
62560 Topics
438340 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 4 of 6 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 >
Topic Options
#188041 - 10/20/07 01:08 PM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
hisashley Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 8
no actually you are very perceptive ~ I felt the pain I suffered from my x as I was typing my response hell I am F**ked up still I guess too lol ~ I guess my problem is I just dont have much confidence in myself or others I have been fragile as anything since my x, however I was single for almost 5 years before me and my sweetie got together.

I would have never imagined being with someone again much less engaged ..I really am upset but I havent mentioned anything to him. I kinda dont want to know but then again I kinda want him to know that I know . F**K I am fairly certain he has not physically messed around on me since we have been together but I dont know for sure .
I guess I will just either trust him or not. I was sounding logical now I am sounding emotional ~ I am exteremly prophetic and have been showed things in dreams several times about our relationship that are true( scared the brakes off of him too) because he is a christian as well so he knows that I am not the kind of person to mess with.
I was almost destroyed by my x physically and mentally and I stayed single for almost 5 years in intense prayer fasting and Bible study my only prayer was Lord dont ever let me be decived and not my will but thy will be done in my life .


I know these things are a struggle for him and I know that only God can fix a person he says these things dont consume him and that they are not his every thought I wonder if perhaps I have been thrown for such a loop that I am over anylizing them myself . We attend church together and our upcoming marraige was confirmed in the middle of the congregation by the preacher as a word of knowledge . So ultimately I need to chill before I freak myself out lol ~ I guess if I didnot love him I would not care . I dont feel as though I am making sense lol . Craig , I appreciate so much our talks they have given me so much to sit back and reflect on and to which I am most greatful ~ you are very perceptive and dont second guess yourself you are that ~ I have a another question if you can answer it ..what exactly is the drag queen thing ?? is that a fetish thing ?? let me know .. if you can and be sweet you have helped me so much !

_________________________
I am my beloveds and he is mine ~

Top
#188238 - 10/21/07 02:31 PM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: hisashley]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I am so pleased to hear that I might be helping your situation in any way.

There is something that I learned about myself many years ago that bridged a huge gap for me between my insecurities and the stable confidence I was so desperate for, and I think it might be something that could work for you too.

I decided to start trusting my instincts at all times, no matter what. I realized that if I don't start trusting my instincts, I've literally got absolutely nothing to serve as a foundation to build confidence on, and I likely never will. Instincts are fairly easy to tune in to, so I decided to not only trust them, but voice them when possible to find out if they're right or wrong. It doesn't matter if someone lies to you when you are just listening to your instincts, you will eventually find out the truth, and in the event of an unsuccessful relationship, you come out with much greater integrity because you were honest, and you trusted your partner (I use that term for str8 or gay relationships). It makes doubts and suspicion a waste of time.

If I may make an observation, it sounds like you are going into this marriage with a bit of baggage (both of you). Don't worry about what that means for right now, try to search yourself and find what plans or lack of plans you might have in the event that the baggage should need attention. Is it possible that it could devastate your relationship? Ruin your marriage? I don't know the answers to these questions but it's definitely worth taking a good hard look at.

I know nothing about marriage but I can tell you that with my current boyfried (he's quite the little tiger by the way, I love him like crazy), I had to break it off once in the beginning because I realized that we would have little chance for success if I didn't make him aware of my baggage. The point of it was, I told him that I struggle terribly with issues relating to childhood sexual abuse, my father's mental illness (schizophreniform), and I can't promise that it won't affect my judgement from time to time but I am working hard to recover. I also told him that I can't make any guesses as to what that means or how long it might take to heal those wounds, and I might not ever get over them. He said, "I can live with that".

I am so glad I did that, we have been together for a very happy 6 years.

Let me know what you think.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#188360 - 10/22/07 12:42 PM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
hisashley Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 8
awesome dont have much time right now but will get back to you in a bit ! Thanks ~ Ashley ~

_________________________
I am my beloveds and he is mine ~

Top
#188603 - 10/24/07 10:24 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: hisashley]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
A lot has changed in my mind over the last several days since I was able to identify that what I have been experiencing are actually symptoms of PTSD. I am now able to recognize that I am not fated to relive terrifying and painful experiences, I can now choose to see things headed down a very different path.

I can't tell you guys what a huge relief it was to realize that what I thought was happening all over again was not actually happening at all. I would literally start to feel the fear coming over me many times in a day, and then I would remember that these fears are very old and out-dated. I have been able to let go of them and be in the present for a change!

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#188702 - 10/24/07 11:40 PM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Wow, Criag that sounds like a Delicious Martini! I'll have to remember that recipie.

I've enjoyed reading your and Ashley's conversation. I don't really want to add anything other than to encourage you two to keep on conversing. There are a lot of us out here who benefit form your candid intercourse. I guess you could call it 'Verbal Voyeurism' but so what?

My best to you both...

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

Top
#188724 - 10/25/07 08:21 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: Lazarus]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Thanks Lazarus. I am largely jotting down my thoughts with the hopes that someone might be able to follow my progress should they find themselves struggling with something similar.

Sometimes I get tired of just trying to emotionally "put out fires", and I want to try an approach to a big problem that really bites into the meat of it, so to speak. I was getting tired of having these emotions come and go like the wind with no explanation, so I decided to get the whole process out where it can be seen and scrutinized, and from the beginning. I am so, so glad I did because I am getting answers that I thought I might never get!

I have finally gained a reasonable understanding of these fears that can take over my life. It seems understandable that I would be baffled by my symptoms, I don't think many would consider a sexual attraction to be a cause of emotional trauma, but when you consider the pre-existing abuse, it becomes very real.

As for the martini, it is without a doubt the best I've ever had. The basil infused vodka has to be made at home, and I haven't got the procedure quite right yet.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#188956 - 10/27/07 08:08 PM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I have been feeling some strange new feelings lately about myself and these intense feelings of desire.

Thursday morning I was sitting around bullshitting with my work friend, and I asked him if something was on the back of my head. Someone earlier made a comment like, "what's that on the back of your head?" and since I can't see the back of my head, and since this person left the room after he made that comment, I just decided to ask my coworker friend (yes, the one I have a crush or something on) if he sees anything. He made me swivel all the way around in my chair, and then he didn't say anything. Just as I was wondering what the heck he was doing, WHACK! He slaps me in the back of the neck, giggling like a 5th grader. He jokingly put up his "dukes" like if he thought I was gonna try to pop him one, and I just sat there in disbelief. He didn't hit me very hard at all, he was just being playful, which was such a good feeling.

Now to the point. The touch of his hand on the back of my neck was driving me crazy with desire that entire night. Seriously it was starting to actually bug me, I'm not trying to make this sound like some taboo romance novel about two unavailable men, but that's just the point. The endless fantasizing was actually starting to feel sort of annoying, and not so much frightening like usual.

I also found myself thinking a lot of things that I never realized before. The most important one seemed to be, "What is the point of all this endless fantasizing and anticipation of the tiny little 15 to 30 minutes that I actually spend chatting with him each day?" How is it possible that the other 23 and half hours in each day could be of so little significance. All I do is torture myself with sexual fantasies for an entire day, just to sit with him each day and talk about nothing, then it's over and I start anticipating the following day. That seems so incredibly bleak and depressing, yet I was not really feeling too depressed. It is actually the goals of my recovery and my progress that are keeping me optimistic.

I felt myself realizing even more what a waste of time it all was when I left his office the next day (Friday), after a whole night of fantasizing. As I was walking down the hallway back to my office, I started feeling angry, which I have never felt as a result of these encounters before. I was not angry at myself, I was more angry at the situation, and how foolish it all seems. I guess I was feeling a bit like a fool for spending all that time thinking and fantasizing, and for God knows what.

I believe that I am trying to relive another one of my crushes, except this one was in high school and it lasted for about 5 years. I think that's when I first began practicing and enjoying the endless fantasizing about an unavailable guy friend. I remember how I counted the minutes until each upcoming encounter. I spent a HUGE amount of time making plans that would allow us to be together. I even applied to that "gifted" program in high school because he was in it, but a year ahead of me. When I went to college, I made sure I was not living in a dorm that was too far away. What's interesting, is that after all of that time, the sexual energy between us did not diminish, it actually intensified. It got to the point where he was getting very frustrated with the lack of physical contact. At one point, I remember him making sort of a sexual joke towards me, and then he followed it with, "Yeah if that ever happens." It was very clear to me what he meant by that. However, we must have had a thousand chances to share physical intimacy but the anxiety was always far too great, and far too forbidding.

I feel that I now must move on to that crush, because I believe that it was also very damaging to me, but in a very different and less sinister manner than the creepy Greek roomate who kept leaving me "high and dry" all the time. This very long and drawn out crush was my second "sexual" crush. The first one was of course my abuser. I believe that this second crush is the one where my self-esteem first started to take a beating. I remember being very depressed and quiet almost all of the time, and it was because I liked this guy more than I liked myself. Five years seems like a very long time, long enough to develop some very unhealthy habits and ideas about myself and my sexuality.

Some thoughts for today. Happy Halloween everyone!!!

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#189103 - 10/29/07 07:23 PM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hello Craig, In some ways we sound alike and maybe the two of us are similar to other survivors because we fantasize or sexualize benign acts that have no intention of being sexual. I do not mean to be harsh or judgmental towards you. My point here is support...(the reason I come here too). If you are really like me,then perhaps this will make sense. I tend to enjoy male attention. I can fantasize or sexualize situations that are not sexual at all. I have a history of that. In fact if you read some of my posts, you will note my confusion.

My T has helped me see my distorted thinking which is a source of pain, desire and confusion. The truth about me is I do not have experience in healthy male to male relationships and I tend to interpret actions, words, body language, eye contact or whatever I can connect in a sexual way. The person may not have any intentions but I assume otherwise. The result is frustration and confusion with anxiety and insecurity.

I am getting better at not sexualizing communications. Instead I focus on the real substance of conversations to mean what is actually said and not what I imagine it to mean. My abuse came from brother, father and a few others later on. I was told I was no good and otherwise ignored by men (except for sex) The result is a confused adult man. It is hard for me to accept that anyone would be a friend, much less like me for who I am. Instead I usually think the attention is a veiled sexual come on. A simpler way to say it is Oh he is nice to me and enjoys my company so he must want to get off. It becomes wickedly haunting and just another secret and more frustration. If I act on it in a sexual way, I crash with shame for doing it or rejection and the loss of thier respect for my sexual overture at them.

Now, I choose to accept someone may simply be a decent or fun person who is comfortable in my company or they are enough at ease to be playful or joking. I work hard at not sexualizing my interactions, no matter how much I am attracted to or how much my distorted mind steers me to those places.

The net result so far has been more self control, empowerment, and feeling better about myself for my abilities to just "be".
Craig, I share this with sincere hope that something I have said will change your way of looking at this relationship. If it is to be anything more, he will likely let you know. Then it becomes your choice. If it were myself in your situation now, I would let go of my desires and fantasies and try a non-sexualized view of things. If he makes a very clear gesture or statement, you can then decide what is right for you.

I guess if I made a sexual response to someone that blew up in my face because I misread the guy, then I might feel like crap and be in a crisis mode for many reasons. Sorry to be so long winded, but this is important stuff and I really connect with what you have written. In that regard, I hope I can connect with you!

Craig,
One last thing, ease do not berate yourself and be harsh in your judgments of yourself. Be kind to yourself in all ways. Be gentle because we are wounded and need to heal. It is a very scary, confusing journey and clarity does not happen overnight no matter how much we want to feel "normal" or free from the hell we experience in life.

Best to you...
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

Top
#189152 - 10/29/07 10:59 PM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: Danbuff]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
You know, it's really odd that you should be saying these things to me right now, because I am in the middle of a similar realization. I am frighteningly aware of how everything keeps getting "sexualized". I think what made the playful slap so odd was simply realizing that he has never actually touched me before, even playfully. I see him goofing around with some of the other guys at work and I end up feeling very odd because he acts very different with them than he does with me. Like you say, it's just too confusing.

After realizing that my experiences are a solid match for PTSD, I have been dealing with some new emotions. For the first time I am feeling anger that seems to be pointed in the right direction, the things I am angry about make more sense than ever, and all this has brought me to another epiphany.

Saying no to a sexual advance from him does not feel like an option, and I was actually too ashamed to admit it. I remember even saying in one of my posts that I plan to set an example by keeping the sex factor out of the equation, which worked very well in the beginning. A few months (I think) before that flashback I remember throwing the no-sexualization rule out the window in a compulsive manner. It has been all downhill since then. This has all the signs of re-enactment. If it weren't, it wouldn't feel impossible to say "no" to the idea of sex. The good news is, with every epiphany comes eventual resolution, but not right away. Resolution seems to come only when you stop waiting for it.

I am in a very difficult situation at work with my supervisor, he is a small guy who wants to be a big guy. Problem number 1 for him is... never going to happen. So he compensates by taking on too much responsibility. Well, in that aspect I am the opposite of him, a big guy who takes on very little responsibility. The result is what I think is a displacement of feelings on his part. He sometimes shakes visibly when he talks to me, and I just can't take responsibility for that. There's nothing I can reasonably do about his reaction to me. For the last 4 years I tried sitting down everytime I talk to him, to try and sort of shrink so I'm not towering above him, but it didn't work. He is worse than ever. I have realized today that he is trying to transfer his uneasiness and insecurities onto me. I had a meeting with him a week or so ago and he sat across from me and shot down every single comment and observation I expressed. When I pointed out that he dismisses everything I say, he said, "I'm not dismissing you I'm just disagreeing".

I responded, "You just did it again."

He denies any wrongdoing and continues to provide me with the exact opposite of everything I ask for his help in achieving. I just found out today that he has taken me away from the engineer that has some extremely solid statistical and analytical skills that I want to learn, which I told him I wanted to learn, and instead he has placed me back working with a man who has a social disorder and is more disorganized than anyone I have ever known. The worst part is, his behavior is incredibly odd and uncontrolled, and he reminds me a LOT of my schizophrenic father's behavior when I was younger. As I'm typing this I am realizing that this man's behavior is triggering flashbacks, the proof is that I have been treated for three separate ulcers while working with this misfit. I don't think that going to his boss and trying to get assigned to a different supervisor is an option, not to mention it just sounds unwise. There is no reason why this twerp needs to be my boss, he has less experience than the others. There is a very clear conflict of interest going on here, and it feels like some weird sort of "size" discrimination. He knows I'm gay but I honestly don't think that has anything to do with it. I sure as hell hope it doesn't.

Well, I digress, but suffice it to say my mood is incredibly flat right now and I don't even want tomorrow to come, I don't really have a lot to look forward to. I guess I'm gonna have to start looking for a new job, which I don't want to do because despite all the bad stuff that's going on I actually really like what I do. The only thing that's keeping me going right now is hope. Not really sure what I am hoping for, but I guess I'm just waiting for things to turn around.

I think it's time to find a therapist again. I'm completely overwhelmed with major life decisions right now. Ugh.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#189343 - 10/31/07 02:11 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
hi craig, hope you don't mind me butting in-
Yeah, i have CSA and physical abuse issues, but being all of 5'7", i recognize the Napoleonic complex in your boss, and it seems like classic passive-aggressive behavior on his part. One reason why could be he finds large guys scary, and your sitting down might've subconsciously tipped him that you could see that, which makes him even more likely to be a jerk to you.
BTW, i couldn't help but notice the post wasn't primarily focused on the co-worker this time...
\:\)

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
Page 4 of 6 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.