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#184128 - 10/02/07 03:33 PM Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Something happened the other day that has me very unsettled. I hesitate to even talk about it, but I know I'll just feel worse if I don't. I have to talk to somebody. I know I can trust you guys not to jump to any conclusions or judge me. I need your help guys.

Some of you may remember me talking some time ago about a crush I have on a married guy I work with. Everything for the most part smoothed out, we have become fairly good friends over the months and the intensity of the crush dulled to a managable feeling. Lately it's been more of a friendly affection than a crush.

For some unknown reason, very recently the sexual attraction seems to have spiked in intensity, and I'm pretty sure it's a mutual feeling (I'll explain what I mean). I typically just ignore it and conduct myself in a manner that is conducive to a casual friendship. As I was sitting and talking with him, I could feel the intensity taking a very, very steep rise, more intense than it has ever been, and he then seemed to adjust his position in his chair so that he was now facing me. He kept rubbing his eyes and sort of yawning, all while I had a very clear view of the crotch of his jeans. I could see what appeared to be the beginnings of arousal on his part.

I have reached a point where I believe I understand why this has disturbed me so.

- It was an inappropriate and highly suggestive gesture, not to mention crude. UNHEALTHY
- It suggests that there is something going on that is being kept secret, therefore we do not talk about it. UNHEALTHY

These two reasons seem to stand out in my mind. Please, please feel free to help me expand these or add more to it. I need to clarify this situation and regain my feelings of confidence and safety.

The second one is probably the part that makes it the MOST unhealthy. If we were good enough friends that we could have a mature discussion and agree that just because these feelings are powerful, it doesn't mean we have to do anything with them or act on them, then I think we could be just fine. The key seems to be communication. But how do I communicate with a "heterosexual" about something like THAT? He is actually a very deep feeling guy and doesn't like to hurt people's feelings. I get the feeling that he is capable of having such a discussion but there's no way to know for sure. What would I even say?

That gesture he made was very triggering to me. It was PRECISELY what my college roomate did to me during that incredibly painful and confusing year of my life. I remember I tried to break down the walls and open a discussion about what was going on, and he called me to his room, laid back on his bed with his legs hanging over the edge and his "crotch" towards me and placed one of his hands over his eyes. Apparently I was just supposed to "go for IT". The thought of it both disgusts me and (regretably) also sorta arouses me. The part of me that is disgusted is my wise and clear thinking, healthy side. The part that is aroused is the part of me that still feels confused by desires to act something out.

Time to go home.

Craig



Edited by cbfull (10/03/07 09:00 AM)
_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#184316 - 10/03/07 09:08 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I hope this post hasn't offended anyone, but I am hoping for some feedback, and I don't really care if it's positive or negative. ANY feedback will do. I need to hear some thoughts.

Maybe my de>
_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#184346 - 10/03/07 09:53 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
hey. your post is well thought out. maybe thats why no one has really replied. not because we dont care, or understand, but because it was so clear your feelings already and it seems you answer yourself about your issues. i think that it is great that you are aware of the issue and you point out that it has happened before. and yeah, idealy it would be good to avoid situations like that in the future, but that might not always be possible.

im also thinking maybe you are reading too much into it. is it possible the other guy didnt know what that he was "coming on to you?" maybe you are looking for it not interpreting normal things in a sexual way? i dont know. i wasnt there. but maybe that is a possibility too.

can you talk to the guy? sure. i think talking to any guy about his own sexuality face to face is difficult. particularly if you are asking a straight guy if he has gay tendencies. i dont really know how to approach this one. i think if it was me, i wouldn't bring it up.


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#184369 - 10/03/07 11:19 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: Jarrad]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Thanks so much Jarrad, I'm so glad you responded. I need some reassurance kinda bad. I sorta value your opinion because of the way you talk about your own sexuality and your myriad of very rich life experiences. With great experience comes great wisdom.


Originally Posted By: Jarrad
im also thinking maybe you are reading too much into it. is it possible the other guy didnt know what that he was "coming on to you?" maybe you are looking for it not interpreting normal things in a sexual way? i dont know. i wasnt there. but maybe that is a possibility too.


You make a very good point. I am on the extreme end of analytical, and it is what makes me so passionate about my interests (chemistry, electronics, physics... most things scientific). This analytical side of me is very, very hard to tame if it gets directed at the wrong thing. I have learned a few tricks over the years however, and they do work if I remember (key word there) to use them. Having said that, I take it that's what you meant in the above statement was that I could be looking for something too hard and end up seeing it whether it's there or not. That is definitely a possibility, but in this case I think it is kinda the opposite since I didn't even notice that he was getting aroused the first couple of times. I was actually trying not to see.

The other thing is that in order for me to believe that I am seeing something that is not there, would require me to reject what my instincts are telling me.

By accepting and trusting what my instincts tell me about somebody, I have been finding relationships that are more valuable and fulfilling than I ever thought possible. If I start doubting myself and saying things like, "He is not attracted to me I'm making it all up because I'm attracted to him." This creates within me a cycle of dismissal of my own intelligence and the result is extremely painful and confusing feelings. Not to say that I am absolutely 100% correct in thinking that this "heterosexual" dude has a strong sexual attraction to me, but by trusting and believing what my senses are telling me, I can tell you that there is definitely something strong being felt on both sides, but I can't say for sure exactly what that is. That's why I absolutely abhore the fact that discussions about sexuality are so taboo.


Originally Posted By: Jarrad
can you talk to the guy? sure. i think talking to any guy about his own sexuality face to face is difficult. particularly if you are asking a straight guy if he has gay tendencies. i dont really know how to approach this one. i think if it was me, i wouldn't bring it up.


You said it bro, I think that pretty much only guys (and girls) who are sworn exclusively to same-sex relationships are comfortable talking about their sexuality. I don't want to bring it up either. If it were to come out very awkward, I would probably end up feeling worse.

Thanks so much for your time Jarrad. I have a nearby friend who I talk to about this sometimes and it helps a great deal. I don't like to mention it to my partner too much because he comes from a very different culture and it hurts him to hear about it.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#184504 - 10/03/07 08:15 PM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Well, I chatted with him breifly this afternoon at work, and my impression after our silly little chat is that I was reading into it way too much. I'm not even sure he realizes what he has been doing right in front of me. This might sound a bit hard to believe, especially after my graphic de>
_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#184535 - 10/03/07 10:49 PM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
okay, so this is going to take a preface. at my work, we do this thing where they asses peoples patterns of learning, and communicating. its broken down to 4 quadrents of the brain. analytical, structural, social, and conceputal. you said yourself you are very analytical. so when one of the quadrants dominates, you lead with that way of thinking and its very difficult to see things the way other people see things, like for example if someone is very conceptual, he would communicate in a drastically differnt way.

the moral of the story is, be aware of the other quadrants that make up your brain. if you know you are very analtical, then you need to really focus on the other areas you might be missing. i can totally talk to you more about this, but if he is dominant in a different quadrant, he might not even see his actions as sexual at all. you might be over analyzing.

just based on the length of this post shows how much you are over analyzing. phew.

anyway.. you ask if you can be friends with a guy you are attracted to. that, for me is a 50/50 thing. part of me says go for it, but then im like... if i wanted to be his friend im always going to think about jumping his bones and hope he switches sides and somehow finds me perfect for him. but thats me. so should i say "no thats a bad idea" then thats wrong, because it could turn out to be a new best friend. so i guess you should take it one day at a time. see how it progresses.


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#184616 - 10/04/07 09:39 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: Jarrad]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
We have something similar to that called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. It was like 4 years ago I did it. I was real stubborn at the time and I resented taking it, but I ended up taking it anyway. I might look into taking it again, I can't remember the results.

I get what your saying and it makes a lot of sense. There's no question I would benefit from putting some time into exercising the other areas of my brain, and less on analytical. If anything it would give me a fresh perspective, not to mention a mental vacation.


Originally Posted By: Jarrad
...you might be over analyzing.


This is actually very amusing to me, but only because I am OF COURSE over-analyzing, and you are being so nice by saying it so diplomatically. My mom sometimes feels very bad for me because she knows how difficult it is for me to refrain from over-analyzing things. She used to tell me all the time, "You're too smart for your own good." At the time, I had no idea what that meant but I have learned. She's a sweetheart.

This is something that everyone who knows me, knows is both a wonderful gift, and a terrible burden for me. It's when I start analyzing my fears that I get into trouble, because the microscope is turned on itself, and that's just not going to get me anywhere.

As for the "attracted to my friend" deal, I am just going to have to make it as healthy an experience as possible. Avoiding him would not be possible since we work together, and I wouldn't want to do that anyway. I know him well enough to realize that he is not "gay", and he never will be. He's not going to "switch sides", and I'm certainly not going to try to make him.

If I were to try to put into words the kind of guy he is, all I can say is that it is so incredibly refreshing to get to know a hetero guy who is so kind and sensitive, and not at all caught up in annoying issues with masculinity and sexuality. I have no desire to do something to change a quality friendship with a guy as genuine as that.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#184623 - 10/04/07 10:05 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
bullet points of your post.

-dont over analyze
-give friendship a shot

\:\)


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#184639 - 10/04/07 11:23 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: Jarrad]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Thanks for listening man, points taken. I have learned how to stop analyzing when it gets painful, and basically I meditate. It clears my mind and I slowly return to a calm and clear state of mind.

I think the most important thing for me was recognizing that what I had was a flashback, and I made it through in a little less than a week. I believe it was the use of my coping skills that brought me to the epiphany in such a short amount of time.

Thanks again,

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#184715 - 10/04/07 07:26 PM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
You know, guys, I agree with everything you have been talking about, but there is one possibility that you might be overlooking.

In my experience, when a str8 guy gets comfortable being friends with a gay guy, he will start to 'flirt' or pose in provocative ways, as a sort of tease. I know they don't intent to start up anything with me, and I know they aren't really intentionally tempting me, but it's kind of ego stroking on their part. Maybe they like the idea that they can turn me on. Maybe they get a rush from the power trip. Mostly (I think) they just like the flattery that my attention gives them. It's something you just don't get very often with women.

Just a possibility...

Lazarus

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"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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