Dear Acting Out –
I have come to you today to say goodbye – finally, once and for all. Like I had to say goodbye to cutting I also have to say goodbye to you and set myself free of you both. It was nothing either of you did – in fact you never let me down. But we have not seen each other since February of this year, and I know now that I am strong enough to move on without you. I know you say that you will always be there if I need you – but I won’t be coming back. I am facing my demons alone – well not alone, I have so many other friends that have been down this same path and will walk with me, and sometimes run with me.
You came to me when he died – when all those thoughts and memories started to flood my consciousness. Cutting was not enough then and I turned to you for help. You brought me back to that room 35 years ago and helped me process what happened. When I wouldn’t listen to you, you made me pay attention. Although I both loved and hated you, I never blamed you for making me do it again. You could make me see – bringing back all those feelings. But you know what, you only helped reinforce the feelings of being worthless, full of guilt and shame. When I ran from you because the emotions were too intense and I could not express them, I ran right to cutting to let them out. And the vicious cycle started – and but for the grace of the Beloved I did no permanent damage and I am in great health. In fact I am up to 175 pounds!
I also turned to you because of my neurological problems. Having a constant jerk and not being able to write, drink from a glass, or eat like other kids made school a living hell. I remember the terror when a teacher would call me to the blackboard. Moving every couple of years only added to my pain. I think I always wanted to be liked and I somehow confused sex with acceptance and you stepped right in to fill the void. I thought that when someone used me for sexual purposes I might be equal. My brother started me down that path – with him I equated love and sex and my 10 year old mind grabbed on to that. It was not you fault – you are neither good nor bad, just a way to survive. And don’t get me wrong, I am not ashamed of you – I understand you had a job to do and you did it well.
So I set us both free. I am free to move on without fear I will ever call you again. I am free to feel without guilt and shame. I am free to understand it was not my fault. I am free to love and to be loved. I am free to be me.
Edited by kellygtx (10/02/07 10:22 AM)
I bid you Peace.
The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.