so thats the answer to all of this? therapy? great.
i was joking around with him, sorry if i offended.

its not the answer...its a tool to get to the answer.

Scorpiogurl,

you also might want to consider checking out a therapist who is a woman if you have trouble talking to a male.

you are not crazy! whatever you witnessed (or possiby experienced) was what was crazy. all the things you have done...not remembering, going away, feeling like other's stories here are so much worse, these are all things you have done to protect yourself.

but now as you realize that you're getting further away from whatever happened, you know in your heart that these things aren't helping to protect you. likely they are making it difficult to concentrate and have relationships, especially if you haven't been able to tell anyone else about what you saw or what happened.

so now you are mustering up the courage to do something about it. don't be discouraged at the thought of therapy. if you broke your leg, you wouldn't put off going to the hospital. scorpiogurl, you are in pain right now. whatever you saw or happened to you was wrong and it has hurt you.

a therapist isn't there to judge you or tell you how messed up your life is. they are trained to give insights. they are there to encourage you. they are there to help you ask the questions you want to ask. no condemning. no pointing.

i think most people have the wrong idea about therapists. they are sterotyped so badly. most therapists i know go into the field because they want to help people find the courage in themselves to change their lives.

back to the broken leg analogy. a doctor's not going to judge you for whatever you did to break your leg. they're going to say now this is going to hurt. we're going to have to do surgery to reset your bones. you'll have to wear a cast and use crutches for awhile, but you will walk again.

scorpiogurl, this may be hard. and you may not be willing to see a therapist yet, or read a book about abuse, but you are here. you obviously want something to change. so at least for now, try to consider that you CAN talk to a therapist. you might have to work yourself up to it. that's ok. there are a lot of people here who have done the same.

but for now, you've got a lot of people rooting for you.

V.

thanks violet

actually i have a hard time talking to women and an easier time talking with men, im not sure why, i know its because of how i feel inside but im not sure where that feeling comes from. abuse? maybe? who knows. thanks for saying im not crazy

Hello Scorpiogurl,

I can see everyone has gotten you off to a good start. I thought I would pop in and say that The advice given for you to find a good
T to help guide you through all of this is the best way to do it. I have never talked to a T but I have had other people to talk to but this is the hard long way around. I hope you keep posting here so you have support that is important. Take your time don't rush yourself. If you need to talk someone will be here but as Larry said(aka roadrunner) it may take a bit for someone to get back to you but you will not be ignored.

As for memories I can remember all but the first time I was abused. I only have a brief flashback from that time but from that I was able to but that part of the puzzle together so I know what happened even though I can't remember it. It may take time and some work but it is sometimes possible to put things together even without clear memories.

Anyhow know you have friends now that will not judge you or cast you out for what you have been through. We are here always.

Take much care.

Brokensoul

thanks brokensoul
i remember the first time when it happened to my cousin, it was his dad (my uncle) after that i dont remember anything but i know it was strange and feeling all wrong, i know that after a while i wasnt allowed to spend time with my cousin anymore, i know i have hardly any childhood memories at all, just really vague ones here and there but nothing that seems real, when i think back everything seems normal on the surface but feels horrible underneath, and mostly i know how i feel now. i was afraid of my cousin, wouldnt want to be alone with him but couldnt tell you why. theres a lot of different things that happened or places i went that just feel "funny" but i dont know why. its frustrating.

scorpiogurl,

One of the reasons that everyone is recommending a good therapist is because sometimes as a person starts to really work on healing they can trip something that causes a flood of memories and emotion. This can feel like your standing in front of an avalanche. This can make you want to give up even before any real healing begins. But once so much gets out you can't just fold it up and put it back so you are forced to deal with all of it at one time. A therapist would help guide you in a way that you will only have to work on this at a rate that you can handle so you don't get too flooded. But if it does happen you would have someone to turn to quickly to get help. I don't know if you have have someone you trust in your life right now but if you can't get a T you should talk to a person that you trust and let them know that you may need their support so they will know to watch over you and be prepared to help you. Everyone here will tell you that every person is different in how they deal with their abuse. You will find help and support here as well don't be afraid to reach out for it if you need it.

It is a shame that you don't feel safe communicating with your cousin the two of you could help each other to work through this and maybe fill in some blank spots in each others memories. But I would not recommend it unless you both were talking to a therapist because that would likely trigger a flood like I have touched on.

Know we are here for you,

Brokensoul.

believed me .. we need you too.

You make us see the other side!! We are all in this together = )

Hi Scorpiogurl and welcome to the boards. This is a good place and as you can see, no one here judges and everyone tries to help each other.

I can only echo what the others have said. Brokensoul explained the reasons for a good T in a beautiful and very concise way. It's something to think about. Even if you weren't abused yourself, you witnessed a very traumatic event. Trying to deal with it on your own would be a herculean effort. Children can have their trust in adults demolished in many ways. Witnessing the abuse of your cousin would certainly rank way up there.

ROCK ON........Trish