Dear Cutting –

I am saying goodbye. It has been nearly 35 years that we have been together and you have been a friend. And although we have been separated for nearly 9 months now – I am ready to say goodbye forever. You were there for me when I felt like I was going to explode. When I sat alone in my room, unable to express myself, you were always there. You never asked why, you just calmed me right down. When the shame and guilt got to a level I could not stand – you helped let it out. When I felt like I was going to scream – trying to be “normal” day in and day out when I was dieing inside you covered me with your warmth. Better then any drug or drink, you made my pain go away – until he died and then even you were not enough, but you helped. God I wish you had been! But I don’t blame that on you – you always did your best.

I could not stop Dad from screaming, Mom from drinking, Donnie from killing himself, or Kerry from raping me. I could not change the past – never could and never will. But you made me feel strong and in control. When I tried to cry and no tears would come, with your help I cried red tears. But you did come at a price. I felt strong at first – then more shame and guilt, so incredibly ashamed. For 35 years you hid in the shadows and I was too embarrassed to introduce you to anyone. And I kept you a secret. A few saw your marks, but I soon cut were no one would ever see. There were some close calls, but I kept our secret. Remember the bloody underwear – holy shit that was close!

But I am saying goodbye to you my friend. No more false control. Goodbye to the shame and the guilt. In the last 9 months I have grown up now, really grown up – and I have to let you go. I say that with so many mixed emotions. I am afraid to go without you, but I know you can not come with me on the rest of my journey. I have to leave you here. But I also want to thank you one last time for keeping me alive. You were always there when I was at my lowest – and you did keep me alive, no matter what anyone says.

Thank you – and goodbye.

PS - This letter was written with great tears on my face.

That is awesome...

Your letter was very moving and spoke powerfully to me of letting go of self-abusing patterns, but with love and compassion. Bravo. And thank you.

well said kelly,

wishing you all the best in your new grown-up life

Brian

That is powerful Kellygtx.


Brokensoul.

Kelly,

What an amazing and powerful testament. Good for you! I hope other guys will remember this one when they start feeling ashamed of their old coping strategies, whatever they were and however long they lingered. We were scared and brutalized children, guys. It was never our responsibility to figure out what was happening or find the right answers. We did what we could. We survived, and that's already more than what many do.

Much love,
Larry