I drift off a lot. I sometimes come back to the room and realize a had been somewhere else.

I need to be aware of what is happening now, and keep the adult me incharge, sometimes the kid in me gets in trouble. I have to keep a level head. This is easier than it seems. I plan on staying in the present as much as posible.

Thank you Ted

Michael

Today is all we have

Can Mikie come out and play? Eddie been out in the woods playing lumber-jack and is tired of playing alone!!!!

Went to my therapist today and told him about crying at x-mas because I didn't get any toys...infact I fliped out big time!!! He told me to cool it , that there is a good reason for this! I grew up at 11 with the abuse and don't remember getting any toys back then, so my mind wants them now! He said that it's ok and normal for this to happen and to make sure that I get some next year!!! You can't kill the little boy in you so you must try to please him and make him happy! That's why I came home and played lunber-jack...I liked to do that when I was really a kid...so why not now??? I liked it and had some fun too! It's just too bad that I don't have Mikie or Still 12 to play with...I think that we could have some nice clean fun!!!!

Eddie

Eddie,
Your right. I would love some nice clean play. I would love some nice clean thoughts too. I hate being jaded. I envy innocence. At work, I have a picture of my son when he was 7 as a background on my PC. He is almost 17 now. It is my favorite picture of him because he was at a stage in his life when he was just an innocent young boy. I am overwhelmed with envy.

People that take away that innocence need to be (figuratively speaking) drawn and quartered, shot, hung in the square for public ridicule, shot again, buried alive, dug up alive, slapped about 100 times, and then put in jail and let "bubba", the 350 lb. inmate, be his friend.

After 40 years, I am tired. Very tired. I would dearly like to know the feeling of innocence again. I don't like having been corrupted.

I can't go home again. I try in my mind but it is just a fantasy. And I mean home in the sense of when I was a little boy. Home was good. Summer camp was not.

So I look at my son who grew up so fast and just remember the times when he was that little boy I long to be. I would like it that, when I die, that Heaven would be being 7 forever. Clear mind, clean mind, no tears, and no former memories. God has to have something very good planned. This can't be it.

I wouldn't mind a toy or two myself right now.

Thanks Eddie,
Ted

I can't believe I wrote this at 52 years old. But I know you understand. That is a great comfort.

[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: still 12 ]

I agree with both of you. You took the words rightout of my mouth. I just want to be me. The me I can be even with the past.
I know I can heal more. There has to be more. This connot be it for healing.
Too bad we can't play lumber jack. Move MI a little closer to your states.