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#183828 - 10/01/07 07:14 PM My problems are worse than yours, so shut up.
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
Have you ever, deep down, really wanted to just scream that at somebody? Like, if you overhear someone sniveling about how his/her life is "ruined" because of something really inane, like missing a concert or date because of work, or something stupid like this? I mean, you get real angry over it?

Is this jealousy, or callousness? Maybe I'm just on a selfish kick lately.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#183830 - 10/01/07 07:23 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
i feel like that alot. i think its normal. i find myself getting really selfish lately but i don't think thats bad, some times we need to put our selves first.

i think its important to remember though that we dont know peoples whole story... so when they say their life is ruined because they are missing a date there might be something deeper to what they are saying.... maybe they are saying they feel like they are all alone and no one cares about them.

then again maybe they are just a drama queen who knows \:\)





Edited by theatrekid (10/01/07 07:24 PM)

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#183831 - 10/01/07 07:29 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: theatrekid]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Geez...I'm like the opposite.

You know, my mom just disowned me, my niece is in the hospital, I have a migraine from the stress, and I just threw up my lunch. Yeah, I'll stay late so you can make your massage appointment.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#183832 - 10/01/07 07:32 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: BJK]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Bryan i used to be like that... but these last few months i have really changed almost to the complete opposite of that.

once i learned i could say no to people its like i havnt stoped


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#183834 - 10/01/07 07:42 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: theatrekid]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6574
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
I remember being 8 years old....during the peak of my troubles with "them" and thinking that I would dearly LOVE to have the problems of the other kids in the neighborhood. Nothing has changed in that regard.

But now I'm old enough to have seen people with worse problems than mine.

_________________________
You are using 118 of the 300 allowed characters.

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#183840 - 10/01/07 07:57 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: Still]
melliferal Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
I have seen people with worse problems than me; a lot of them are right here. But as I said, sometimes I get these moments where people complain about the smallest things just makes me furious.

I don't show it, of course - nobody can tell when I'm angry. But I know I'm angry.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#183845 - 10/01/07 08:13 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Melliferal,

Some people just don't see how fortunate they are. The feeling you describe isn't something I experience so much anymore, but there were times I felt like I must have dropped onto the earth from another planet - all the inane bickering and squabbling just made no sense to me.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#183858 - 10/01/07 08:49 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: roadrunner]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
omg i totally feel like that.


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#183861 - 10/01/07 08:59 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: melliferal
I don't show it, of course - nobody can tell when I'm angry. But I know I'm angry.

Wow. I have no idea what that is like. Not that people can tell what I'm thinking - except when I'm angry...

But when I'm angry - the universe knows.

M


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#183862 - 10/01/07 09:01 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: MarkK]
melliferal Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
Be glad you can express it!

Internalization can hurt in lots of ways. \:\(

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#183864 - 10/01/07 09:02 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: MarkK]
BJK Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: MarkK

But when I'm angry - the universe knows.


Jeez...in the past, when I've been angry, the entire universe has known...except me.

It's strange how we all process things in different ways, isn't it? It's kind of a testament to our uniquity (is that a word?).

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#183865 - 10/01/07 09:03 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
yeah - i used to have 3 ulcers as proof... but even then it wasn't my anger that was being held in - it was everything else.

but in answer to your initial question - yes, there are times I have wondered what planet people were from - thinking their life was over because the store ran out of their favorite nail polish.

M


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#183889 - 10/01/07 09:51 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
jf Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 54
totally.


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#183907 - 10/01/07 10:40 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. *DELETED* [Re: melliferal]
nicky Offline
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Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 261
Post deleted by nicky

_________________________
i like the rain cause no one knows im crying

a strong man is one who is able to control himself when he is angry
what is your definiton of control?

i lay awake another hour
just like the one before
the shadows play a game with my head
i can't take this anymore

http://youtube.com/watch?v=x4EOw8wPBN8




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#183958 - 10/02/07 05:43 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: nicky]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
i feel like this sometimes too. but its all relative as well. unfortunately, it does annoy me.


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#183959 - 10/02/07 06:13 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Two consecutive posts on the extremes struck me as really illustrative of how it can go:

Originally Posted By: MarkK
But when I'm angry - the universe knows.


And then:

Originally Posted By: melliferal
Be glad you can express it!

Internalization can hurt in lots of ways. \:\(


Both so true! What a great idea for a thread.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#183961 - 10/02/07 06:23 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

Originally Posted By: MarkK
but in answer to your initial question - yes, there are times I have wondered what planet people were from - thinking their life was over because the store ran out of their favorite nail polish.


Your comment here recalled to my memory some of the stuff that made me wonder the same thing when other kids groused about stuff:

1. Is so-and-so fat?
2. Why doesn't the pay phone give change when all you have is a quarter?
3. Why isn't there more chocolate milk in the milk machine?
4. Why is my bus stop at the beginning of the route?
5. Why did you forget to take out the trash?

Meanwhile, I'm thinking what's the best way to kill myself.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#184071 - 10/02/07 11:50 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: roadrunner]
kellygtx Offline
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Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Good lord - sometimes I want to scream at other people "Your problems, let me tell you something...." and other times I think "Why did what happened to me bother me so much when <fill in the name> has so much more to be screwed up about." so I get confused about that too. What the hell!!

And as for emotions, one therapist I saw said I was a totally blank slate - she said "You sit there and I can't tell what you are thinking at all." and that I could not read other people non-verbal communications. She even went so far as to suggest I had Asperger Syndrome. I have not flushed that out or discussed it with a Nuerologist yet, it was hard enough just to go in for a routine check up. So when I get angry - nobody knows - usually not even me.



Edited by kellygtx (10/02/07 02:09 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#184243 - 10/02/07 10:07 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
VN Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I think usually I feel the opposite. That my problems are not importent enough to bother people with. And then once in the while, I feel things get 'back up' enough inside that I just make some crazy post saying everything I should been saying for a few months. And then it start again.

VN


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#184259 - 10/02/07 11:47 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: VN]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Mel,

I think when people snivel over the minor stuff all the time they may actually be in denial about the really bad things that have happened in their life so they major in the minor stuff. Subconsciously if they can do that they don't have to face the really big issues, you know?

What a way to live, eh?

Yeah, from our side it can get really irritating, but I try to remember that in actuality their problems may be a lot worse than mine because of what they may indeed actually be doing. Kind of changes the perspective a little.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#184770 - 10/05/07 01:18 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
patch22 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/24/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Ireland
I sure know how you feel, and how you never show it. (Made me a good poker player in my youth!) I have for the first time ever slightly lost my temper with people recently - nothing very serious. (Really startled them that someone who's usually so mild could get excited.) DOn't know if that's good or bad - freaks me a bit that I seem to be losing control of my emotions a little.
Paddy

_________________________
A dog is a man's best therapist

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#184799 - 10/05/07 03:51 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
I suppose 'what ruins our day' is relevant to the life experiences we have endured.

In my job I used to work alongside another Supervisor (this was when I was starting to break down, and just before I made my statement to the police). He was always worried if he didn't produce a graph on time, whereas I was only really bothered about getting the product to the customer.

When I broke down and had time off work, he came to see me as everyone thought I was off with a virus. I told him why I was really off work & I always remember the shock on his face. He said: "Christ, no wonder you don't care about graphs and stuff, with all that going around your head". I think it has changed his outlook on life and others somewhat. To him, a crisis was telephoning his wife because he had to work back an hour.

A broken fingernail is a crisis to someone who has never experienced anything worse (think junked up celebrities with too much time and money).

A crisis to someone who has experienced a broken mind/body or both is going to be something pretty horrific!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#188717 - 10/25/07 03:30 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: RICK57]
copenbay Offline
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Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

Good response, Rick. I think most of the times that people complain about inane things they simply want attention or pity or whatever. And if they knew about real problems they wouldn't even know how to react (like your boss didn't). But Mel, I understand. I don't know whether to get ticked or simply laugh when someone's problems seem so insignificant to me (because they're nothing compared with mine).
I, too, feel like saying, 'Oh, you think that's bad. You want to trade with me? Here's mine...'. But I don't. It is much better for me to find things to be thankful for, starting with not being bothered by trivial things, or worried about where I'll take my next vacation, etc.
As long as I don't resort to sarcasm, with something like, 'Oh, I thought for a moment you really had a problem....', or rolling my eyes or walking away ready to hit something, I'm okay. Then again, I always try to be sympathetic, even when the attempt seems to make me ill.

Ed

Ed


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#188729 - 10/25/07 09:47 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Darren Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 120
Loc: The High Seas
Hi All,

Yes, I've felt like this, more and more lately. I don't have the stomach anymore for petty complaints. I tune them out. I think some of it may be jealosy -- jealosy that 'they' have not had to deal with what you have, and selfishness, which I think is OK, because we have been denied our 'selves' for so long.

BTW, this may be a little off-topic: I think I just get angry a lot more, period. I storm around fuming sometimes. I especially get angry at incompetence, like store clerks giving the wrong change or charging too much for something, telemarketers, newspaper delivery that doesn't deliver... I didn't used to be like this.

Darren.

_________________________
“Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates” -Mark Twain

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#188731 - 10/25/07 09:50 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
What I absolutely hate it when people say "I know exactly how you feel" Yea, right. These people don't have a clue.
KENKEN

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#188732 - 10/25/07 09:50 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
What I absolutely hate it when people say "I know exactly how you feel" Yea, right. These people don't have a clue.
KENKEN

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#188739 - 10/25/07 11:56 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: KENKEN]
River Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 114
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
I go both ways on this one. On a Good day (LOL!)I see my journey through the trauma and pain as a gift because it has forced me to grow in ways I would have never grown otherwise. I am definately not a shallow person and I see, think, feel and experience things very deeply and I feel I have something to offer to others.

On other days (LOL!) I really get pissed off at people whining and bitching about stupid stuff. I want to say, "Grow up!" but I don't.

Then there are those days when I think other's pain, hurt and trauma is more significant than mine AND my needs, pains and hurts have no place. In fact, I will stay on the phone and listen to others for an hour, when I am hungry or it's past my bedtime and my wife is pissed about how long I have been on the phone. I call it self-deprivation ... my job "as a victim" is to have no boundaries and to go without because a friends or family member's needs are more important.

Peace

_________________________
GD

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#188761 - 10/25/07 04:56 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
I have deifinitely had those moments; but it depends on my state of mind at the time, i guess- sometimes i can almost use someone else's conniption over trivial crap as a way to relax; since there is no serious immediate concern, or triggering associations, i can make reassuring noises at them, let them vent, and just take a mental break. If i'm getting screamed at over nothing, by someone whose biggest life-stress was to decide between Aruba or Bora Bora for their vacation home's location?
Let's just say the middle ground between remaining silent, and being cuffed n' stuffed for assault, hasn't been reached by yours truly as of yet...

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#188763 - 10/25/07 05:44 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: dgoods]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
just a word on this issue from "the other side" \:\)

I am a partner and yes, to some, a hangnail is the end of their world and others carry an inconceivable amount of real pain daily.without so much as a word.....

BUT, try explaining to a survivor that you (a non CSA person) had a bad day, or has an issue that you need to discuss..
no matter how grave you feel about whatever it is your feeling, it can NEVER EVER match the intensity of his feelings....

it can be frustrating to be dismissed or trivialized because your issues couldn't possibly be as bad........worse yet, they are not as bad!
But at the time, they are painful just the same.

Just wanted to throw that out there...Thanks.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#468308 - 08/01/14 04:52 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3433
Loc: O Kanada
short answer: YES.

long answer: I REALLY REEEALLY TRY MY BEST NOT TO.



_______________
interesting side note: my anger at someone else complaining about their problem caused me to commit my first act of disclosure.
i was as shocked and surprised as the person i told!
the words hung there in the air like an echo chamber, after i blurted them out.
there was no [REWIND] or [DELETE] button, and it was too late for [MUTE].
of course that launched me on a whole new adventure.
i discovered that i had not recovered.

i boasted something very similar to "My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. i was raped by a serial killer, big deal. i got over it, so get over it."

i had in fact, not gotten over it.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#468417 - 08/03/14 12:23 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Oh misery poker is such a fun game.

The irony is if someone is generally upste about something, i find myself unable to be quite as one sided at all, even when people are telling me about their relationship problems part of me just wants to say "hay your lucky to have! relationships to have problems with! I wish I had! those problems

The fact is though, in someone's company I don't, sinse my empathy is always stronger than my resentment.

Outside of that however, however, especially when I see celebrities or singers winjing about how bad their lives are, I just want to scream at people.

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#468446 - 08/03/14 10:06 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 613
Loc: where the shadows lie
What I'm learning is that when we are dismissive of another persons pain (no matter how big or small) it is because we have yet to fully validate our own pain. We are still mad at ourselves for being "weak" so we get mad at other people's weakness. But if we can learn to recognize that our struggles our valid, it actually makes us more sympathetic to other peoples struggles as well. "Worse" becomes a meaningless word then. It is not about who got it worse, it is about every one of us having issues. Even when people complain about shallow things, you never know if that is a defense mechanism they use to keep back the deeper things they aren't ready to face. If they have a strong feeling, there is probably a real issue at the base even if they are deflecting that feeling onto something ridiculous.

hope that makes sense. It is something I am still working through. Trying to be less judgmental.
_________________________


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#468456 - 08/04/14 02:54 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
The problem Jacob is that it seems just as wrong to assume everyone has some sort of problem as to assume everyone is fine. I have in fact met people with few to no emotional problems at all, sometimes they are arogant pigs, sometimes they are perfectly nice (I have a good friend who is one).

Equally, there are people who can take things in their stride, and people who make a song and dance over nothing, all reactions are possible and I agree that it is wrong to assume without knolidge.

My problem however is when I see people using their own misery or misfortune to their advantage, be that disabled people, women who cry just to get what they want, or celebrity sob stories.

In truth this is probably what irritates me more than someone not coping with their own weakness. For example, my tutor has recently had a detached retina wich has caused sight problems in one eye and resulted in him being in hospital. I could! say "well hay you can still read, you can still drive, you don't need to worry about basic navigation around objects , what's your problem?" but I'd never want to do that, indeed I felt extremely sorry for him over this, and have tried to help with things like telling him about the windows magnifyer to aide in reading text.

On the other hand, I can't stand! visually impared people who reffuse to learn to do anything themselves and constantly demand assistance from others (without pay or reward or even often thanks).

That is probably it, I have spent most of my life trying to be more compitant than the world percieves me to be, to do things for myself, or at least to use a system of mutual bennifit for the few things I actually can't do, so I find people who use missfortune as a club to beat other people really get up my nose, especially when it seems what they're crying over isn't much.

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#468457 - 08/04/14 02:57 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 302
Id give a leg or arm to have the same kind of problems as 'normal' people, instead of my own.
People just don't understand... and how can they.. They didn't go trough the same crap.
Or if they know a tiny bit and start giving advice, like on a hiv site I go to now and then.. Can't help but thinking 'if only it was ever that easy'. Just sticking around on this planet is an immense task right now!
That said... Of course 'normal people' may whine about unimportant stuff (hell i do it too sometimes) but sometimes they take it so far I want to yell at them. Perhaps that's why I can't stand those dramatic 'real life' series such 'real housewifes in beverly hills' or whatever other crap is out there on tv. It gets under my skin!
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#468462 - 08/04/14 10:15 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1753
I come to learn issues from CSA are extremely difficult to deal with and changes someone's life. I remember when I first started the healing process I thought everyone had it worse than I, I was alive, I was not addicted to drugs or alcohol, and I only had one abuser and so on. I remember seeing children with cancer and other incurable illnesses and saying I guess I was lucky I am alive. My T, support groups and doctors helped me to understand my situation was no worse or no better than anyone else. It was my issue and how it impacted me may be different than it impacted others. I needed to focus on me and not compare myself to others. How my mind and I coped was mine and I needed to understand and accept the abuse, I needed to believe it was not fault. Yes, my life was difficult, nightmares, flashbacks, dissociation, sleep walking and some other physical issues which some say is directly related to the abuse and a turbulent home life. I had to deal with these issues. Many never knew of my CSA and when I looked at others who seemed to have the near perfect life I was envious but today I realize no one escapes life unscathed. I do not know what they may have lived so I am no longer envious. I just want my life to be as rich and happy as it can be.

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#468485 - 08/04/14 04:36 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6574
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
I apologize if this is redundant. I've not read the past 7-years of commentary, but there are some quick-flash gems on this page. "Misery Poker" Major LOL!

There are many astonishingly-bad sides to the argument of "you don't have it as bad as _______," or "At least you are not in ____________'s situation!"

Sick part: That bad T I had once, had no other place to go that "you certainly have it better than a lot of people."

What does that do?

1) Disqualifies our stuff into zero-ville. At this point, we may as well stand-up, walk out and declare ourselves "fine."

2) It becomes a global game of "who has it worse that him?" So that means there's only one person, deep in the jungle of Mozambique, who has EVERYTHING wrong with him.

The "normals" around us reach for this weapon to use on us thinking it a brilliant tool of healing. Its sort of like healing a sunburn with battery-acid though. No?

Parents, family friends, perpetrators, teachers, counselors, clergy and kitchen sinks love to grab for that brilliance too. We'll hear them use it about others long before we hear them use it about us. WE think it. WE believe it too.

A boy's parents may (and frequently do) say directly to him, well honey...we're just going to leave this alone right now. There are people out there who have it much worse than you." A man's wife may use it too (like mine did).

The world around us bases their dime-store philosophies and reason upon the "have it worse" doctrine. It works SO very well for them, but can cost us our lives.

Rebuttal Question for Them: So just how injured does that guy have to be before you think him worthy of help?


Edited by Still (08/04/14 04:37 PM)
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#468488 - 08/04/14 04:49 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: Sven]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6574
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: Sven

... Perhaps that's why I can't stand those dramatic 'real life' series such 'real housewifes in beverly hills' or whatever other crap is out there on tv. It gets under my skin!


I've imaginarily shot 47 flat-screen TVs from those freakin moany-groany little yuppies who think their master-bathroom is out-dated...and Missy is in a Hissy cuz she has no granite in the kitchen. She and Chip are so distraught, and are this close to going to the E.R. from the depression...and the designer thinks it will be hard to do what Missy wants on their $100K budget.

What WILL they do?

If you ever wanna screw with them and ruin their year, tell them that you heard "they really ought not set the baby up on that granite cuz of all the radiation it emits." Missy will google it and scream from the newly redecorated Media Room.
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#468489 - 08/04/14 05:09 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Obi Offline
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Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1372
Loc: kansas
Read a meme on Facebook a few weeks ago that I just remembered.

saying someone shouldn't be upset because others have it worse is the same as telling someone they can't be happy because someone else has it better.
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#468494 - 08/04/14 07:40 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
KMCINVA Offline
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Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1753
Well said.

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#468498 - 08/04/14 08:55 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 155
Loc: SF Bay Area
At the moment I find myself very stressed out about one of the managers in my apartment leasing office...I'm moving out soon and all of our interactions (there haven't been that many) have basically been tense or negative. I find myself thinking that I painted a target on my back when I butt heads with her early on in the lease because the lease said the front office would accept packages and she tried to quietly remove the service without asking or informing residents...so I stood up for what I felt was right, which was to stand up for the services that are guaranteed to me in the lease (Leases are contracts, and contracts are two-way streets) and ever since then she's been downright happy to trap me in whatever niggling term she can find, and she can find a lot of them because it's her job to know that 6-point font backward and forward and I have other things to do with my life. I'm at an inherent disadvantage.

I'm expecting to be taken advantage of by them when it comes to the deposit. I'm expecting an uphill battle to get the prorated rent reimbursement they owe me for ending on a partial month. And the whole thing really has me scratching my head and questioning values, questioning sanity, questioning approach.

I find myself sometimes wanting to unload on this woman. You BITCH. You have no RESPECT for residents; we LIVE HERE and are not just walking ATM machines for your shady business practices! But I already know that raising a stink in the first place just made it worse. It's a really frustrating catch-22...can't stand up for myself, because it makes it worse, MUST stand up for myself out of a sense of self-respect. I guess I'm inventing problems that haven't happened yet?

Am I allowed to judge this woman as the superficially nice, technically exploitative person I think she is? What steps do I take to protect myself? If I stand up for myself, is it because it's appropriate or because I need to make a stand on SOMETHING and she just happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? (For the record, it's very rare for me to come across someone in life I dislike this much, so I'm inclined to take it at face value and say "I've stumbled across a genuinely unpleasant person" but I know I can never separate how I feel about this person to what I've brought to the table...but then thinking THAT way is basically blaming myself for being myself and causing problems. I don't want to be a judgmental bastard! And I don't want to be a doormat!!!!)

At the end of the day, I find myself thinking...I want to stop apologizing for existing. I want to stop feeling like I need to justify myself to others like my entire value is on the line. Those have been habits for far too long and they make connections with others miserable too often. But how does the rubber hit the road? Where's the balance that respects others, even if they're people I don't like or want to have in my life?

When is my love for myself unconditional? So far I've made a lot of headway in my healing by expanding the conditions under which I will love myself, but there's still steps to take...
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#468517 - 08/05/14 12:28 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Jacob S Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 613
Loc: where the shadows lie
Quote:
I have in fact met people with few to no emotional problems at all, sometimes they are arogant pigs


I'd say someone being an arrogent pig is a pretty good indication that they have an emotional problem. Arrogance is a sign of emotional paralysis, which means at some point in their life something happened to make them want to stop feeling. You don't know their inner heart or their childhood history.

If the 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 3 girls number is right, and given that there other kinds of abuse besides just the ones that those numbers cover, it means that a very significant number of the people you come across in your life will be dealing with some kind of trauma. But they won't always be vulnerable about it, so it will look like defensiveness or rudeness. To outsiders, even other survivors, that defensiveness might just look like being a jerk. But who knows what it really is. I still maintain that if we find ourselves impatient with others, it is because on some level we have yet to fully accept ourselves.


Edited by Jacob S (08/05/14 12:29 AM)
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#468538 - 08/05/14 05:52 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
dark empathy Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
@JAcob, when I made that statement I actually had someone in mind. When I first met him he was a fairly nice guy, however things fell into his lap. He was charismatic and goodlooking in that sort of effortless way. It was not put on or dishonest, people just gravitated to him, this meant he got just given recognition out of hand. In the world of ameter light opera he was always guaranteed a principle role not because he was unusually good (he's certainly not bad but not that amazing), just from his manner, his looks and his general demeaner. for me, who has to struggle to let people know I even exist rather than as the problem in the corner they don't want to see, or the weerd incompitant disabled person who is incapable of anything.

It's after all very frustrating to be someone who walks into rooms and has to wait to be noticed aas opposed to my friend who walks into places and is instantly the center of attention simply for being himself.

yet while he was simply okay about it I didn't mind. I even was the person who ended up making him feel better during his unrequited love, despite the fact that three months later he meets a lady who is now his wife!

The problem is after this he changed, he started believing he deserved all this good fortune, he even told me at one point "well you don't need to sing properly to get rolls, which is why I get so many"

It seemed he was starting to sincerely believe he deserved! everything he got, and those who weren't as blessed as he was were reprehensible.

This is! actually an attitude i've encountered fairly often, in musicians and post graduates and sometimes in higher ranked professionals in business too. People who believe fervently that they deserve! their own good fortune and that those not so fortunate are somehow less. Sometimes it's even stated in people's political opinions "oh people are only poor because they are lazy" though more often it is simply implicit.

I'm not talking about the people who obviously use their importance of wealth or position or relationship or looks or anything else as a mask for their insecurities (such people are usually fairly obvious anyway), I mean people who are absolutely all ego, who believe not only that the world revoles around them, but that they dam well deserve! it to.

It is actually quite amazing sometimes, just how basically shallow, how utterly unreflective, and how completely and totally oblivious some people are.

@Stil, great thoughts. This reminds me of a wonderful bit in an old book I remember reading (I believe it was Adrian mole), where a child's granny is telling him to eat his cabbage because "there are lots of little boys in Africa who'd be glad of a bit of cabbage" Where upon Adrian (or whichever boy it was), replies "well stick it in the post and send it to them then!"

@No simple machine, I'm not myself quite as convinced about the link between how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about others, sinse for me at least it is far easier to think about others first and myself after, which probably explains why I'm such an intravert sinse I can only be selfish when I'm on my own.
One thing however I do find useful when dealing with others (and sometimes myself), is to use the illusion of rationality.

I personally don't agree with the sort of model that people from Descarte to Freud followed, where you have the emotional self like an animal on a lead and the rational self like some wise old mathematician holding the lead. It just isn't how mental experience or even decision making or consciousness works (and interestingly enough both neuro psychology and philosophy seem to be moving away from that idea).

But I do find it a helpful way of pretending, to treat both my emotions and circumstances absolutely coldly, to become an android who just calculates the odds. For example, the other day on a web forum I administrate about accessible computer games there was a topic in the offtopic section where various people were talking about relationships, in particular those who already had successful relationships were giving advice to others (sinse most forum members are visually impared this makes more sense than it sounds).
Part of me wanted to delete the topic out of hand, to in effect use my admin rights to exact a very petty revenge against people who had what I don't. Another part of me wanted to read the hole thing, to test myself, to say I'm fine, maybe even to punish myself, or still worse wollow in my own jealousy. however this is where I put on my rationalist hat and just weighed the odds.

I don't have! to read what others say about this and I know it'll do bad things to me, so I don't.

I try to do the same when dealing with others, to look at things reasonably. If person x were in this circumstance, what should! person x do, irrispective of if I happen to be person x or not.

I don't always succeed at this of course, sometimes the emotions are too strong, sometimes I find the rationality gets too cold and I start to become distant which is not what i want at all, and sometimes my rationality fails under a weight of resentment, but I do try, and on occasion it has actually worked.

I hope it sort of helps.

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#468545 - 08/05/14 10:17 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1428
Loc: California
People who are born with disabilities are cursed with a much harder, more arduous existence that most people realize. I am often exasperated when 'regular' (non disabled) people point to someone who is disabled, who has defied all the odds and overcome his disabilities to become a hero, and say "See? He can do it. Everyone should be able to!"; ie: The blade runner (Oscar Pistorias).

Thing is, they are extremely rare exceptions to the general rule - that people with disabilities are often forced to live out their entire lives hidden from society, and enduring a mundane life without access to opportunities that most other able bodied people simply take for granted.

That is the hard reality. I know it because I've had to live it, with my disabilities. And I'm one of the "lucky" ones. I have "access" to opportunity, much more so than most disabled people do.
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