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#468417 - 08/03/14 12:23 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Oh misery poker is such a fun game.

The irony is if someone is generally upste about something, i find myself unable to be quite as one sided at all, even when people are telling me about their relationship problems part of me just wants to say "hay your lucky to have! relationships to have problems with! I wish I had! those problems

The fact is though, in someone's company I don't, sinse my empathy is always stronger than my resentment.

Outside of that however, however, especially when I see celebrities or singers winjing about how bad their lives are, I just want to scream at people.

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#468446 - 08/03/14 10:06 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 614
Loc: where the shadows lie
What I'm learning is that when we are dismissive of another persons pain (no matter how big or small) it is because we have yet to fully validate our own pain. We are still mad at ourselves for being "weak" so we get mad at other people's weakness. But if we can learn to recognize that our struggles our valid, it actually makes us more sympathetic to other peoples struggles as well. "Worse" becomes a meaningless word then. It is not about who got it worse, it is about every one of us having issues. Even when people complain about shallow things, you never know if that is a defense mechanism they use to keep back the deeper things they aren't ready to face. If they have a strong feeling, there is probably a real issue at the base even if they are deflecting that feeling onto something ridiculous.

hope that makes sense. It is something I am still working through. Trying to be less judgmental.
_________________________


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#468456 - 08/04/14 02:54 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
The problem Jacob is that it seems just as wrong to assume everyone has some sort of problem as to assume everyone is fine. I have in fact met people with few to no emotional problems at all, sometimes they are arogant pigs, sometimes they are perfectly nice (I have a good friend who is one).

Equally, there are people who can take things in their stride, and people who make a song and dance over nothing, all reactions are possible and I agree that it is wrong to assume without knolidge.

My problem however is when I see people using their own misery or misfortune to their advantage, be that disabled people, women who cry just to get what they want, or celebrity sob stories.

In truth this is probably what irritates me more than someone not coping with their own weakness. For example, my tutor has recently had a detached retina wich has caused sight problems in one eye and resulted in him being in hospital. I could! say "well hay you can still read, you can still drive, you don't need to worry about basic navigation around objects , what's your problem?" but I'd never want to do that, indeed I felt extremely sorry for him over this, and have tried to help with things like telling him about the windows magnifyer to aide in reading text.

On the other hand, I can't stand! visually impared people who reffuse to learn to do anything themselves and constantly demand assistance from others (without pay or reward or even often thanks).

That is probably it, I have spent most of my life trying to be more compitant than the world percieves me to be, to do things for myself, or at least to use a system of mutual bennifit for the few things I actually can't do, so I find people who use missfortune as a club to beat other people really get up my nose, especially when it seems what they're crying over isn't much.

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#468457 - 08/04/14 02:57 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 304
Id give a leg or arm to have the same kind of problems as 'normal' people, instead of my own.
People just don't understand... and how can they.. They didn't go trough the same crap.
Or if they know a tiny bit and start giving advice, like on a hiv site I go to now and then.. Can't help but thinking 'if only it was ever that easy'. Just sticking around on this planet is an immense task right now!
That said... Of course 'normal people' may whine about unimportant stuff (hell i do it too sometimes) but sometimes they take it so far I want to yell at them. Perhaps that's why I can't stand those dramatic 'real life' series such 'real housewifes in beverly hills' or whatever other crap is out there on tv. It gets under my skin!
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#468462 - 08/04/14 10:15 AM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1780
I come to learn issues from CSA are extremely difficult to deal with and changes someone's life. I remember when I first started the healing process I thought everyone had it worse than I, I was alive, I was not addicted to drugs or alcohol, and I only had one abuser and so on. I remember seeing children with cancer and other incurable illnesses and saying I guess I was lucky I am alive. My T, support groups and doctors helped me to understand my situation was no worse or no better than anyone else. It was my issue and how it impacted me may be different than it impacted others. I needed to focus on me and not compare myself to others. How my mind and I coped was mine and I needed to understand and accept the abuse, I needed to believe it was not fault. Yes, my life was difficult, nightmares, flashbacks, dissociation, sleep walking and some other physical issues which some say is directly related to the abuse and a turbulent home life. I had to deal with these issues. Many never knew of my CSA and when I looked at others who seemed to have the near perfect life I was envious but today I realize no one escapes life unscathed. I do not know what they may have lived so I am no longer envious. I just want my life to be as rich and happy as it can be.

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#468485 - 08/04/14 04:36 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6601
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I apologize if this is redundant. I've not read the past 7-years of commentary, but there are some quick-flash gems on this page. "Misery Poker" Major LOL!

There are many astonishingly-bad sides to the argument of "you don't have it as bad as _______," or "At least you are not in ____________'s situation!"

Sick part: That bad T I had once, had no other place to go that "you certainly have it better than a lot of people."

What does that do?

1) Disqualifies our stuff into zero-ville. At this point, we may as well stand-up, walk out and declare ourselves "fine."

2) It becomes a global game of "who has it worse that him?" So that means there's only one person, deep in the jungle of Mozambique, who has EVERYTHING wrong with him.

The "normals" around us reach for this weapon to use on us thinking it a brilliant tool of healing. Its sort of like healing a sunburn with battery-acid though. No?

Parents, family friends, perpetrators, teachers, counselors, clergy and kitchen sinks love to grab for that brilliance too. We'll hear them use it about others long before we hear them use it about us. WE think it. WE believe it too.

A boy's parents may (and frequently do) say directly to him, well honey...we're just going to leave this alone right now. There are people out there who have it much worse than you." A man's wife may use it too (like mine did).

The world around us bases their dime-store philosophies and reason upon the "have it worse" doctrine. It works SO very well for them, but can cost us our lives.

Rebuttal Question for Them: So just how injured does that guy have to be before you think him worthy of help?


Edited by Still (08/04/14 04:37 PM)
_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#468488 - 08/04/14 04:49 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: Sven]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6601
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: Sven

... Perhaps that's why I can't stand those dramatic 'real life' series such 'real housewifes in beverly hills' or whatever other crap is out there on tv. It gets under my skin!


I've imaginarily shot 47 flat-screen TVs from those freakin moany-groany little yuppies who think their master-bathroom is out-dated...and Missy is in a Hissy cuz she has no granite in the kitchen. She and Chip are so distraught, and are this close to going to the E.R. from the depression...and the designer thinks it will be hard to do what Missy wants on their $100K budget.

What WILL they do?

If you ever wanna screw with them and ruin their year, tell them that you heard "they really ought not set the baby up on that granite cuz of all the radiation it emits." Missy will google it and scream from the newly redecorated Media Room.
_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#468489 - 08/04/14 05:09 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1390
Loc: kansas
Read a meme on Facebook a few weeks ago that I just remembered.

saying someone shouldn't be upset because others have it worse is the same as telling someone they can't be happy because someone else has it better.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#468494 - 08/04/14 07:40 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1780
Well said.

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#468498 - 08/04/14 08:55 PM Re: My problems are worse than yours, so shut up. [Re: melliferal]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 162
Loc: SF Bay Area
At the moment I find myself very stressed out about one of the managers in my apartment leasing office...I'm moving out soon and all of our interactions (there haven't been that many) have basically been tense or negative. I find myself thinking that I painted a target on my back when I butt heads with her early on in the lease because the lease said the front office would accept packages and she tried to quietly remove the service without asking or informing residents...so I stood up for what I felt was right, which was to stand up for the services that are guaranteed to me in the lease (Leases are contracts, and contracts are two-way streets) and ever since then she's been downright happy to trap me in whatever niggling term she can find, and she can find a lot of them because it's her job to know that 6-point font backward and forward and I have other things to do with my life. I'm at an inherent disadvantage.

I'm expecting to be taken advantage of by them when it comes to the deposit. I'm expecting an uphill battle to get the prorated rent reimbursement they owe me for ending on a partial month. And the whole thing really has me scratching my head and questioning values, questioning sanity, questioning approach.

I find myself sometimes wanting to unload on this woman. You BITCH. You have no RESPECT for residents; we LIVE HERE and are not just walking ATM machines for your shady business practices! But I already know that raising a stink in the first place just made it worse. It's a really frustrating catch-22...can't stand up for myself, because it makes it worse, MUST stand up for myself out of a sense of self-respect. I guess I'm inventing problems that haven't happened yet?

Am I allowed to judge this woman as the superficially nice, technically exploitative person I think she is? What steps do I take to protect myself? If I stand up for myself, is it because it's appropriate or because I need to make a stand on SOMETHING and she just happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? (For the record, it's very rare for me to come across someone in life I dislike this much, so I'm inclined to take it at face value and say "I've stumbled across a genuinely unpleasant person" but I know I can never separate how I feel about this person to what I've brought to the table...but then thinking THAT way is basically blaming myself for being myself and causing problems. I don't want to be a judgmental bastard! And I don't want to be a doormat!!!!)

At the end of the day, I find myself thinking...I want to stop apologizing for existing. I want to stop feeling like I need to justify myself to others like my entire value is on the line. Those have been habits for far too long and they make connections with others miserable too often. But how does the rubber hit the road? Where's the balance that respects others, even if they're people I don't like or want to have in my life?

When is my love for myself unconditional? So far I've made a lot of headway in my healing by expanding the conditions under which I will love myself, but there's still steps to take...
_________________________
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

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