Newest Members
RepressedMem, jet_step, JimHouston42, GKB, MorganWut
12468 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
AndyP (48), Gaius (50), JoziSA (52), mmafan66 (48), nltsaved (36), RMM (52), Steve63 (51), zenboy (51)
Who's Online
3 registered (myrlin, 2 invisible), 29 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12468 Members
74 Forums
64028 Topics
446826 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 4 < 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#183321 - 09/29/07 10:24 AM Re: How to Talk About Sexuality [Re: Kathryn]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
To be quite honest, I find the whole issue disturbing and threatening, even thought my bf never actually physically acted out with anyone. He went out to do it, but didn't do it and has acted out online with porn and I would guess other ways which i don;t know about. My experience has been to wittness the importance(to him) of his desire/fantasies about men and also how arousing that is and while I understand the theories around that issue, it is still the case that I feel less important, less desireable etc.........


I also feel that his approach to 'sort out' our situation, has been to basically demand that I accept his sexuality and then everything else will fall into place...........His theory being the fact that I had not yet been more accomodating/accepting of his desires/fantasies/whatever and therefore not fully accepting and loving him and that being the main problem for us. While I can appreciate his feelings about that, for me, until I felt more reassured about what exactly it all meant and what it would mean for my own life, I was wondering why he couldn't understand why I was so anxious about it all........bearing in mind that many of us partners here have been denied facts and lied to and decieved and basically kept in the dark as to a pretty large part of the person we've been with for many many years. The shock of it all is pretty massive and damn hard to get past.

Trust has to re-built and the whole issue of talking about sexuality can be a mine-field, depending on the emotional maturity and empathy of the survivor. If simply approached from the point of view of the need to be accepted, the survivor really needs to take a look at exactly what it is he is asking his partner to accept, or exactly what he wants to share and for what reasons. How it might impact on his partner's life, their sex-life together etc etc


My bf has actually appologised for not effectively reassuring me. He has acknowledged the fact of his missing empathy and consideration.....but still has not actually changed these things.


I sense that my bf would have liked/like to be sharing more with me about the whole issue of his sexuality, but I'm not sure about my ability to do that, at least not at the moment. For me, the sexual side of it is a thing i cannot share in any way. I am not a man, will never have a penis, lots of bady hair etc etc. Also for me personally, acting out his fantasy is just not something I relate to sexually, although he's not expressed disappointment over that specifically. I do know however, that if i had been interested, he would've been happy about that, happy to try it, happy to experience that etc......So you could say, that the impact of knowing his desire for men has taken it's toll in the most severe way for me. To say I now feel inadequate would be an understatement. I know my body doesn't drive him wild in that same, instant way. I know i can't offer him the satisfaction of exploring his fantasy. In short, I feel I can't please him which is fairly devastating for me, since pleasing my partner is very important to me.


Where our own personal situation journeys on to from this point, I don't know and since my bf still has much recovery to do/memories still repressed, it is hard to say what might change or develope.


Yes our men are confused and for sure that's not their fault and it breaks my heart to think of the devastation that has been/is for them.....but it's also important to remember the devastation which can be caused to us and the whole issue of discussing sexuality really needs to take that into account and take it very seriously.


peace
Beccy


Top
#183487 - 09/29/07 10:19 PM Re: How to Talk About Sexuality [Re: Kathryn]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest




Edited by selene (10/04/07 03:28 AM)
_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

Top
#183713 - 10/01/07 09:32 AM Re: How to Talk About Sexuality [Re: Kathryn]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Wow! So much to think about here. I am struggling but we seem to be talking more - and have more so in the last 6 months than the previous 6 years.

I am integrating my thoughts and my actions. I did act out sexually with men, off and on, for 14 years. It all started when my brother (my perp) died. Before that I was just cutting myself. After his death, I acted out but it was like a fog - like I was not even there. The more I acted out, the less I cut, and vice versa. I am by nature a very private person and not very verbal (in one personality test on communication skills the average male scored like a 65 - I scored a 10! LOL). So I disagree with Kathyrn's statement that it was a lifestyle - it was a coping skill. I am talking maybe 10 times over 14 years - but once is too many.

I know this is very confusing and very threatening for my wife. She wants the man she married to be 100% straight, a good Catholic, and a fun guy to be with. What she has is a guy who may be bisexual, is not a very good Catholic, and not a whole lot of fun to be with. But one who does LOVE her and has always taken good care of her and the kids. She will tell you that I have been and am a wonderful, connected father.

You have given me so much to think about and I thank you. I pray I can continue down this painful path and find out who - and what - I really am. Acting out and cutting are behind me - but I must discover the real me. When I am physical with her (better in the last 6 months then many, many years) it feels so warm, caring, and loving - nothing like acting out (so maybe my answer is in that statement!).

But that real me will always be by her side as she is my soul mate.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

Top
#183735 - 10/01/07 12:52 PM Re: How to Talk About Sexuality [Re: kellygtx]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


Kelly,

What I meant by a lifestyle is a way of behaving that spans many years -- but I'm glad to know it was only about 10 times in 14 years!!!! Just cuz I hope you and your wife make it through this.

Rob is also an amazing father -- he really is -- one of the best I've ever seen. Oddly enough I find this fact confusing because it just doesn't mesh with the way he's acted. He's also a really good friend, good collegue, etc....

Like you, he describes his sex with men as being in a daze, haze or trance (fog). He also says he focuses on the sex act itself, not the man per se.

And yeah, I'd assume that what you said about sex with your wife pretty much answers your question, at least in a good-enough way -- or so it seems to me.

And yeah, this is way easier for me to say to somone else and much more difficult to trust in my own relationship....

Good luck Kelly,
Katie


Top
#183736 - 10/01/07 02:02 PM Re: How to Talk About Sexuality [Re: Kathryn]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Katie -

Peace be with you...I really mean that, to both you and Rob. We are working, the one week intensive couples therapy we went to helped a great deal, very cathartic in many ways. When I went home for lunch today thinking about this it just seemed so right to be with her.

Like you, she has said "How can the man I love so much, the father of my children, get so lost in himself." And that's what it is, I get so lost in myself, not in a selfish way (intentionaly that is)...just lost.

I could never call and talk about this with someone - just too shame-filled I guess (Peace and Love your way). The fear of losing her is so strong that I wondering if I am not sub-consciously trying to make it happen to punish myself.

But aside for the abuse, it's also hard to share with her that I am still sexual and I want sex to be fun and spontaneous, and not for her to worry that I am not "there" so I get worried about doing or saying something and she says "What are you doing that for...". Maybe part of this should be "How to we get the fun back?" instead of being so clinical. How much of that is my shame and guilt that stops me from getting close to her? It would be so much easier to just throw my hands up and say "Yeah, I like men better." and start a new life. But that is not what I want, but I don't want to cause her any more pain either. We both deserve so much more. Maybe we struggle so much because we have so much to loose?

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

Top
#183743 - 10/01/07 02:42 PM Re: How to Talk About Sexuality [Re: selene]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Selene -

Thanks for the info on Zanax. I only take 0.25 mg every week or ten days. Just enough to get past the nightmares. I do appreciate the caution.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

Top
#183744 - 10/01/07 02:45 PM Re: How to Talk About Sexuality [Re: Kathryn]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Originally Posted By: Kathryn


Kelly,

What I meant by a lifestyle is a way of behaving that spans many years -- but I'm glad to know it was only about 10 times in 14 years!!!! Just cuz I hope you and your wife make it through this.

Rob is also an amazing father -- he really is -- one of the best I've ever seen. Oddly enough I find this fact confusing because it just doesn't mesh with the way he's acted. He's also a really good friend, good collegue, etc....

Like you, he describes his sex with men as being in a daze, haze or trance (fog). He also says he focuses on the sex act itself, not the man per se.

And yeah, I'd assume that what you said about sex with your wife pretty much answers your question, at least in a good-enough way -- or so it seems to me.

And yeah, this is way easier for me to say to somone else and much more difficult to trust in my own relationship....

Good luck Kelly,
Katie


Katie -

I in no way meant to minimize anything when I said "....10 times in 14 years." If it sounded like I was rationalizing I did not mean to. As I said - one time in 14 years was infinitely too many times. I am sorry if you thought I was being trivial or less then empathetic.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

Top
#183760 - 10/01/07 03:37 PM Re: How to Talk About Sexuality [Re: kellygtx]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Kelly,


I just wanted to say that it sounds to me like you really truly love your wife, want to be with her, desire her, everything. Please hold onto that truth.


I have also sent you a PM.


peace
Beccy


Top
#183787 - 10/01/07 04:47 PM Re: How to Talk About Sexuality [Re: beccy]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


Kelly,

I didn't feel you were minimizing.

Life is strange, isn't it?

K.


Top
#183798 - 10/01/07 05:25 PM Re: How to Talk About Sexuality [Re: Kathryn]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Thank you for all your words. You artfully blend thoughts and ideas that both comfort and challenge - and I thank you for that.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

Top
Page 2 of 4 < 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.