Scott,

Your post made me realize another sub-conscious coping mechanism I have used through the years to deal with my dreams. I did away with the alarm clock, and I learned to get up as soon as I woke up. Not only have I not been late for work in ten years, but I also stopped having incoherent dreams.

I just got home from my therapist, and she is convinced that what I feel is anger. I'll never forget her words when I asked her, "what if it is anger?"

She said, "All I can say to that question is, good for you!"

More importantly, she thinks it is a transition between the forlorn sadness I have been feeling for myself to the anger that my mom deserves to have directed towards her. She said that anger and sadness usually accompany each other, but when they are both present in an inordinant amount, they can be quite debilitating.

If this is what anger feels like, then I don't want to feel it. I guess I have to, though, huh?

Bryan

I understand that one myself...

I woke up this morning with somewhat of a new view on life. I'm not a new person, all my troubles aren't gone. I just feel like I have a better perspective on what I felt yesterday morning.

It's not anger. My therapist told me I sounded angry several times yesterday, but I truly don't think I'm there yet.

My feeling yesterday morning was one of resignation. I realized yesterday morning when I woke up that I no longer have a mother, that I probably never did. It's been so difficult. Through all of this, I think I subconsciously have been thinking that I just want things to go back to the way they were when I was a kid. I don't think I truly remember what things were like when I was a kid. All I remember are the good times. With all of these negative feelings I have towards my mother, I've started to realize that the empty sentence, "that's what mothers are for" isn't enough anymore. Those were her words, and she used them to manipulate me.

I guess yesterday was the first time I realized how far I have yet to go. Today is the first time that I can truly say that I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what today will bring. I'm afraid of breaking down in front of my co-workers. I'm afraid of facing the rest of my life without my mother's abusive control leading the way.

I'm ready to face this new fear. I wasn't yesterday. I am today.

Hi again,

There's always a fear of the unknown for us, if we're trying to live and not just survive. For a long time, I tried so hard to manage everything I felt, to exercise some control (especially when most of my life seemed out of control). So, when feelings come that I don't understand, I can either try to explain them, or just accept them.
Either way, though, I don't want to minimize what you've been through with your Mom. There are others on this site who have had very difficult relationships with their mothers (and though my story pales when compared with others on that count, I still sometimes have an uneasy truce with my Mom).
This much is true: I don't trust her with much of my personal life, since she could hurt me with it, whether or not she means to. I've had times when I didn't want anything to do with her. I still hesitate picking up the phone when she calls, though it isn't quite the ordeal it used to be.
And the future isn't as scary, because we are people who can face what we couldn't face before. We're not the same as we were when we were younger. We have more tools, skills, reasoning, etc. And we'll do just fine without Moms running our lives for us, thank you.

Ed