ever want to become a hermit? just run away from it all? just say fuck it? I was doomed to not be happy. I need to accept that lot in life. How and where is not important. I have never been as black as I am at this moment.

What is the point....


NUMB by Linkin Park
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Lorie...

Even in your darkest time ther are those in your life that provide light. Friends are here for you...I am here for you...the girls here are here to help as well.

No matter how dark things get...look into ______'s and ______'s eyes...their little shining faces. Thats what helped me through my hardest times was knowing I had my baby to take care of and she never stopped making me smile no matter how hard things got.

Just like i have told the guys here....running will do nothing and solves nothing. running only delays the hard fact that things have to dealt with. You dont have to deal with these things alone...we are here right beside you. I am here for you whenever you need and you know that.


You are not doomed to be unhappy...its not your lot in life. You are a strong woman who I know WITHOUT A DOUBT can handle this. It wont happen overnight but this too shall pass and you're not alone...lean on those who want to help. One ex-hermit to another.....you can be reformed okay!!

Love ya,
Brian

Lorie,

I just wanted to say how much I relate....although I have been feeling slightly less numb this past week than I have for so so long......there is hope! I know that hermit feeling all too well.....except now i have kids, which forces me out at least some of the time, so thank goodness for them really.......


My T keeps advising me to find safe spaces for myself. The smallest pockets of time and self care can help, even if it feels pointless. Self consideration of our own suffering in all of this. I have felt this black numbness before in my life and came out the other end. Therefore it is possible. We can do it. That is the light at the other end of the tunnel. But while we're caught here somewhere in the middle of the tunnel, the very best thing we can do is to be kind to ourselves.


Also it can useful to note how you are feeling physically in these times of great emotional stress.....people often get a lot of tension in their tummy for example. This is emotional pain, hurt and anxiety taking hold in our bodies and we can literally physically sooth ourselves, much like the way a mother would with their child.


take care of you

peace
Beccy

(((Lorie)))

this too shall pass, my friend. And you are not alone, we are all for you as you have always been here for us. Make some time each day to find a positive, even if you have to dig (The grocery clerk gave me the right change) eventually, the positives outway the negatives and then you'll have the strength to deal with those when they come up.
you are needed and loved.
M:)

Hi Lorie,

It seems to me that you need to just say fuck it for a while and let shit happen as it will. You, none of us, can always be on and it's just crazy to try and even crazier to beat yourself up when you just can't do it. Do what you need to do to take care of the kids and that's that; I'm sure Rob can pick up some of the slack.

You don't want to do the laundry for 3 days? then don't. Don't want to cook? Hell there's nothing wrong with pizza for a week. Don't want to be the family counselor? Then fuck it! Don't do it and give yourself a rest. Take a few days off from work if you can, stay on the couch and don't even take a shower, the smell might not be pleasant, but it won't kill anyone. Tell them all you're not even gonna brush your teeth till your breath smells like your butt - and you don't care - but I'll bet you still get kisses 'cause you're loved and you deserve them!

In time, the blackness will fade to a lovely shade of gray and then one of your kids will bring home a good grade or an art project or just give you an unexpected hug and the gray will start to fade too and you and Rob will find your footing again, I promise.

ROCK ON........Trish

BTW, I don't believe for one minute that you're doomed to be unhappy.

Trish I like that idea.

I think f & f need their own fuck recovery weekend. We should all meet at a spa and not do one damn constructive thing. And not one thing we don't want to do. I believe Hersheys has a spa....none of those health food crap places for this!!! If we are going to really say fuck it, chocolate must be involved!!!!!!!!!

Thanks

and wine, lots and lots of wine - I'm in!

Trish

noo....no wine. Martinis my dear!

Lorie

well, in the meanwhile, maybe we can all eat Dove dark chocolate during healing circle or something.

V.

green and blacks chocolate, red wine and a few other vices.......

peace
Beccy