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#18324 - 07/19/05 07:34 AM Confused emotions (have triggers)
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Greetings again to people here. I am sorry that will seem that I arrive here only to ask to help, and to not do so much, to help whom - or still. I really read here more than one even, and I start to understand still a part of that it is told here, in reading it. I only do not know how properly to speak in the answer, but I know, that - not the justification, I am sorry it.

I only come back from on holiday in some days with two friends. It was very good thing, time to weaken, see new things, to like to be far normal life. It was very pleasant, and I am grateful, that we have made it. They are two friends from whom I think more than my own family which is distinct from my sister.

The problem, is returning to ' the normal world '. You cannot really clean all within several days and tell not, I shall sleep good and eat good and to not have any trouble that is and I shall not have any bad ideas during this time. It - strong attempt but to not work.

I struggle with dream. Dreams of negative things, recent and old. I am not afraid of it, I think, that I usually accept from this. But it carries in me.

I struggle with the foodstuffs. I always had a problem (release) with meal in which I cannot eat some things, not causing there is more than difficulty for me. But, to speak it it is graceful, I have the big difficulty with the foodstuffs right now. I have difficulty to have that - feeling of something in my mouth except for a liquid. I have lost some weight which has forced me to feel like weaker and more inconvenient. But the majority of time to hold the foodstuffs in general in my mouth, it causes me fear, disgust, and I feel need(requirement) to be ill it. It which the majority of my abusing in a sexual manner was my mother, and only little male offenders, I am not sure concerning why it is so bad for me. But I think it is that it ' feel ' as that, of male abuses in past.

It is difficult, to stand every day with a pain. A physical pain, I shall see the expert soon for this purpose. An emotional pain, I see the therapist. I speak with my friends here which I know, can understand how anyone can, and are very useful to me. I feel selfish as I know, that it - not only I facing to these problems (releases). I know, I read here, other people which have transferred so the worse abusings and disrespect. I feel unwillingness to speak how I feel not worthy complaints.

How it should erase these feelings, or do(make) by their easier? It is a little more difficulties, they will arise for the following some months, both physical and emotional. The stream, I is absolutely not confident, that I can address with them properly. I do not wish to be failure. I do not wish to be weak. But I do not know now only, what I.

Thanks to listen, I regret, that I - not such good friend here.

VN

(edit because getting help to clear the thoughts of what is said here)


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#18325 - 07/20/05 12:05 AM Re: Confused emotions (have triggers)
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
VN - I think from what you are saying, that you may be having problems eating solid food, but are OK with liquids.

Try not to worry too much about this - when I first started dealing with being abused, I used to live on soup and peanuts (more or less).

Please post as often as you wish here - you have a right to use your voice!

Best wishes ..Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#18326 - 07/20/05 12:17 AM Re: Confused emotions (have triggers)
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
VN - you are a really good guy -

no worries - you are just starting to talk of stuff -

everybody here is at different times -

keep talking - this is your time -

in time when you are better - you can give

back - because you will have a better perspective -

you are doing great -

mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#18327 - 07/20/05 01:46 AM Re: Confused emotions (have triggers)
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
VN,
Quote:
I know, I read here, other people which have transferred so the worse abusings and disrespect. I feel unwillingness to speak how I feel not worthy complaints.
Someone hurt you. There is no "worse" abuse. There is no "less" abuse. It is simple. They did something wrong.

Pretend that you answer someone here. Would you say, "You are good. There is nothing wrong with you. Something is wrong with the abuser."

Those things are true. They are true about you. Your feelings are real. They are not "wrong." They are what you feel.

You have great strength. Enough strength to challenge bad memories. You will get stronger in time. Give yourself time.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#18328 - 07/20/05 10:06 AM Re: Confused emotions (have triggers)
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
My friend,

There is a lot of things to be having the bad dreams about. They are working through your brain, the memories of things. As you speak of things more, they will have less power over you. It is NOT weak to speak of this. I know that it is still hard sometime to believe that people are hearing you, listening to you, and supporting you. Please give the people here that chance until you feel it for yourself, until you realize that you ARE so worth it.

The food issues, I think right now, that is quite commen. When I first start dealing with my abuses, I lost 32 pounds in 3 months. We are easily triggered at times by the feel of food in our mouths, if we suffered certain kind of abuses. I know it is hard, and I know you are trying. Keep in mind, there are choices you can make that do not involve solid foods, but keep you healthy, and hopefully help regain some of the weight.

I hope that the doctor's appointments will help with the pain. It is miserable, to wake up every day and knowing you are facing another day with pain. I really hope that the specialist can help you with that. I think if the physical pain is more controlled, you will find the emotional issues easier to deal with, and will have more energy to do that. But for now, you must deal with one thing at a time, and do not think yourself weak to not be able to do it all. There is nothing weak about you.

Please keep coming back here, and don't feel you have to be giving back here until you are able to. You give by sharing of what is happening, so that perhaps another person can relate to you.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#18329 - 07/20/05 12:18 PM Re: Confused emotions (have triggers)
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
VN,
Quote:
You give by sharing of what is happening, so that perhaps another person can relate to you.
Leosha's right. Maybe someone else will speak after they read your words. It might be today. It might be next year. You have already "given back."

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#18330 - 07/20/05 08:50 PM Re: Confused emotions (have triggers)
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
VN. You have given more than you know. You have been there for others and they know it.

You speak of food problems. As has been said it is fairly common. In my case it came from having anything put in my mouth. I felt totally unclean. To this day I have a hell of a time going to a dentist. 2 1/2 years ago I shattered a tooth that had had a root canal. I still have not gotten it fixed.

I do have a bit of advice for you. You are so good with your friends who have needed support and you are a take charge kind of guy in that respect. You make sure they are safe. Start letting them do the same for you. You know my friend FRIENDSHIP IS A TWO WAY STREET. It is not a sign of weakness you know but one of strength

I hope that the physical pain can be resolved so that you can continue in your career and that the mental pain will ease.

Take care ok.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#18331 - 07/23/05 11:34 PM Re: Confused emotions (have triggers)
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Once again thanks, those who reads it who answers me so kindly. I am very happy, how generous people here, they - with me.

I regret about mine mixed ideas, and my desperate ideas several days ago. It - not I, as I - now. To have the some the reduced pain, it so is very useful how I feel from all rest right now.

I feel even wish to eat as meal of the real foodstuffs today! Probably I will ask the friend for a dinner.

Once again thanks, kind men.

VN


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