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#183007 - 09/27/07 10:36 PM just need to vent
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Nothing's happened but I just want to vent anyway. On one hand I think of how wonderful it would be if H healed and we finally got a connection to each other.

On the other hand I don't mind saying I sometimes fantasize about ending it. Telling him it's over, I'm done, sorry, and moving on with my life. In a way that would be so nice! His lack of feelings and communication just drag me D O W N. I feel so weighted down by it all. He is never uplifting to talk to, always sounds sort of depressed, just brings me down.

So I just am going to indulge in imagining what it would be like to end it. It's not really what I want....but sometimes I wonder what it would be like....and have the hope of meeting someone who would be uplifting to be around....or no one at all, just a life that is more peaceful.

?? I think I'm just tired tonight. I have bronchitis also and know that's part of it. Sometimes I think if someone told me I have only 10 more yrs to live, I sort of would want to know what it would be like to live on my own before I die, and to have the chance to have a different sort of life, either with someone else or alone. Part of me feels excited at the idea of it.

I don't know why I am thinking this way tonight; I'm sure it's just a phase, an indication of how tired I am.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#183015 - 09/27/07 11:17 PM Re: just need to vent [Re: Brokenhearted]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
(((Brokenhearted))) which one of us has not felt that way at some poimnt in this journey? We are here for you and we know your pain. You must think about you in all of this. you must. take a happy moment when you can, take more each day until you find your peace. with OR without his pain.
you cannot be good for anyone else if you are not good for yourself.
My heart is with you,
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#183036 - 09/28/07 01:36 AM Re: just need to vent [Re: mmac]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
bh ... i don't know what to say except i wish it were better for you right now ...

hugs

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#183058 - 09/28/07 04:50 AM Re: just need to vent [Re: selene]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Brokenhearted:

I still maintain that you are the most patient woman that I have ever come across. I mean that, sincerely. Maybe someday your husband will realize what a gem you truly are...if not, it's his loss.

Sometimes this whole thing feels like one continuous bike ride in hilly country. There are days that we reach the summit of the hill and the glide down is filled with absolute enjoyment and then "bam" we face the trechery of yet another hill to pedal up...and the gear shifts are broken, there is a flat tire, it starts to rain and there's this huge dog chasing us the entire way showing it's large horrible teeth. Do we give up? Do we toss the bike into the woods, pull out our cell phone and call a taxi? I don't know...sounds good, maybe. I guess my point is that this whole experience tests the true grit of who we are from both sides of the fence, survivor & wife/partner/gf of survivor. I sometimes believe that SEAL training for the military would be a lot easier then living through this!

I had felt very low at the beginning of this week. Circumstances seemed very overwhelming especially since our youngest son had been acting up throwing tantrums and my husband's reaction reminded me a lot of my dad. Control is a big issue to him and I suspected he was reacting the only way that he knew how to react, the same way his dad reacted. I then began to consider if neither my husband nor I had an admirable role model as a father to know a better way, how on earth could we be better for our children?

I then made a trip to the library and checked out a bunch of self help books. It did not matter if husband was going to read them or not, I am going to read each and every word looking at them as a map to a better destination in our lives.

Last evening in therapy, my husband brought up how I checked out the books (of course with an eye roll) and then I explained that how I did not believe that if you were trying to get a child to stop screaming, I felt that by screaming at a child you were not teaching them NOT to scream, you know? I then asked the therapist for some trouble shooting on how to deal with our son when he projected these horrible fits of anger. To make a long story short, it was one of those break through moments in life that fill me with tremendous hope! My point in bringing this up is that when life seems the most grim, maybe a different perspective, somehow, from somewhere can do a world of good!

I want so much for better...I believe we all deserve the best that life has to offer AND I refuse to let my brother-in-law/father-in-law take over and win stealing away the man that I fell in love with so many years ago. Sure things are rough now and we are working on smoothing out the edges...but I have every confidence that tomorrow will be better. Somehow, some way it will be too.

I must ask you Brokenhearted, before all of this mess...who was your man to you? Apparently, he wasn't always like this...not in the beginning, right? I feel sometimes that the man I married is somehow fighting the other man that has temporarily taken over him. There is an internal fight going on within him everyday. I hold on to the man that I know is in there somewhere struggling to find himself once again...as we all are in dealing with these heavy issues.

I'm not sure if I've helped but you happened to catch me during my insomnia break, when I can think my clearest...so I thought I'd give it a shot!

I truly wish you a speedy recovery from not feeling well and I'm sending you my very best effort at support.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#183244 - 09/28/07 09:07 PM Re: just need to vent [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi BH,

First off, I'm sorry your so sick. Bronchitis is brutal 'cause even when you stop coughing, your body is still exhausted and in a terrible funk. I hope you come through it as quickly as possible.

As for your fantasy, yup, I totally get it. I wonder alot if it would be better for me - not him - if I just cut loose. This is so hard, I'm 44 years old and for the last 6 years, I've dedicated myself to a man who teeters on the edge alot. Yeah, I think about it just as you do.

There's definitely something out of sinc in those of us who put ourselves through this. Most can't understand it and I don't blame them one little bit - from an outsiders perspective it doesn't make a damn bit of sense. We know what we would tell another woman who lives with as much pain as we do. We'd ask why the hell are you staying with this? Get out and have a life! But as a general rule, we aren't telling our friends/family the whole story so they don't know, but we listen to what they say and we question ourselves. I don't think that's a bad thing.

We have to think about all of the alternatives and know or at least think about what life would be if we choose to walk away. If we don't do that, then we live in isolation on an island where the rest of the world doesn't count. That can't be good. We do live in the world and we're entitled to everything it has to offer. Informed decisions are the only right ones. You are the only person who can decide if it makes sense to you - it's not an easy decision.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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