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#183149 - 09/28/07 12:11 PM Anyone else Paranoid for kids?
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Is anyone else out there paranoid that somehow our children will be abused no matter what steps you take to make sure they are safe? I have talked to them about what appropriate touch is and how they can tell us anything, etc. We have been very cautious with who they spend time with and who babysits them.

So why do I have this unending fear that they will be molested by someone? It scares the living daylights out of husband and I.

HELP!

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#183150 - 09/28/07 12:14 PM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: violet]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Violet...

I feel you completely. I am totally paranoid with my daughter...over protective and at time I have made her over-paranoid as well. The thing is I know that no one will ever be able to touch her because she has had the "bad places" and "no secrets" talk a million times.

Still doesnt keep me from being terrified it will still happen.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#183151 - 09/28/07 12:15 PM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: violet]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Violet,

I just want you to know that how you react to it if it does happen is just as important as the steps you have taken to prevent it from happening.

I can't take away your paranoia, but abuse isn't just something that happens at random. It tends to happen more to kids who are vulnerable. You have taken steps to prevent that, and that means your kids are in a good position to fend for themselves in the world. You have yourself to thank for that, so congratulations.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#183248 - 09/28/07 10:03 PM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: BJK]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
As long as you follow these steps, you're 99% assured to prevent it:


*Know where your children are at all times. Be familiar with their friends and daily activities. Teach your child if he or she becomes lost to quickly tell a policeman that he or she needs help.

*Be sensitive to changes in your children's behavior; they are a signal that you should sit down and talk to them.

* Be alert to a teenager or adult who is paying an unusual amount of attention to your children or giving them inappropriate or expensive gifts.

* Teach your children to trust their own feelings, and assure them that they have the right to say no to what they sense is wrong.

* Listen carefully to your children's fears, and be supportive in all your discussions with them.

* Teach your children that no one should approach them or touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable. If someone does, they must tell you immediately.

* Be careful about babysitters and any other individuals who have custody of your children. Obtain references from people you trust and see if you can have access to background screening information about these individuals. Many states give people access to sex offender registries and criminal histories.


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#183258 - 09/28/07 11:51 PM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: Hauser]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
Hummm, Paranoid lets see a couple of months ago we where at wal-mart and I went to the mens room and was on the way out when my wife sent our son in because I was still in there. As he walked around the maze to get in a man followed him and was looking at my son in a way I did not like. My first thought was to grab this guy up and start breaking bones. But I stood by the exit with my arms crossed and a evil look to me I'm sure. I feel that I must to have picked up on something because the guy just combed his hair real quick then left. Does that count as Paranoid!!!

Anyhow to add to Hauser's list.

* Don't send young boy's to the mens room alone most decent stores have a family restroom that you can check and make sure there is no one else in there first.

* Teach kids that if anyone touches them in a bad way or tries to grab them they are to hit kick and scream and they will not get in trouble for it even if it is not a stranger.

* Make sure they know that mommy and daddy are tough and that no one can hurt them. To often a child is threatened that if they talk their parents will be harmed.

* Make honesty a big deal in your home early because kids will tell lies or fibs and when we catch them and they get in trouble it makes it easier for a perp. to make them think they will not be believed.

* I think this one is very important. Teach kids to hold their heads up high and be alert of their surrounding's. I think that I was a target because I had a depressing home life near from the start and when I think back I almost always walked around with my head down. If a child looks confident of themselves it is like a sign that tells crooks there is an alarm installed this kid will tell his/her parents and might fight and make a scene exactly what they don't want.

Violet, Thanks for starting this thread I know you where asking about being paranoid but is their such a thing when we are talking about our children. But I think if one person reads this and we save one kid from having to live through what we have then hell we have all done real good.


Take care.

Brokensoul.


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#183261 - 09/28/07 11:54 PM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: brokensoul]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
Damn straight!!!I don't call it paranoid.. just vigilant!!!

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

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#183262 - 09/28/07 11:58 PM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: GWsurvives]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
I don't think there is a type of kid who is more likely to get abused. ALL kids are "vulnerable."

In my experience the most important thing is to listen to your kids carefully, watch their behavior and sadly, to some extent, place absolute trust in no one. Just my experience.....


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#183267 - 09/29/07 12:09 AM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: testingWaters]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
it is our responsiblity as loved ones to keep our children safe, no matter what. In this goofy world that can be a daunting task.
Do what you know in your heart is right.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#183345 - 09/29/07 12:06 PM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: mmac]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
I also will not let my children play with friends or cousins with their bedroom doors closed, nor will I let them play in areas where I can't easily hear or check on them (like basements or attic playrooms)

Since my spouse's abuser was a family member, I am very nervous about having the kids around certain members of that family...and I was around one of them two days ago and I don't think I can go over there again.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#183404 - 09/29/07 02:42 PM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: violet]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
V,
if it is uncomfortable to go, DON'T! If he needs to see them ???
let him go. Only let the kids go, if you are staying with them.
God has a way of giving us the message when the environment is not safe. Hear his voice and head the warnings. For yourself, and your children.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#183478 - 09/29/07 09:28 PM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: mmac]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
My spouse was not with me, but a trusted family member who knows the circumstances was.

But I think I will not go there for awhile.

The suspicion never ends.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#183485 - 09/29/07 10:11 PM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: violet]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
I think it is very important to have an open discussion with kids. telling your kids that they can tell you anything is a good step but you have to do more than that. You have to make sure your children feel comfortable telling you something. Kids are good at reading body language if they can tell your or even just think that you are uncomfortable talking about some things with them, they might think that you really dont want to hear about it in the future.

,Chris


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#183486 - 09/29/07 10:17 PM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: theatrekid]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
To add to this: kids are pretty sharp. Talking about good touch vs. bad touch might be pretty anemic if they are afraid for their lives. Always make sure your kids know that 1) you will believe them and 2) you are not going to make them confront the abuser and 3) you are not going to put them into any situation where it is their word against their abuser's word.

If they are in a bad situation and they think there is *any* possibility of that happening, they're going to shut up and shut down.

Sorry if this is brutal...


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#183488 - 09/29/07 10:47 PM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: testingWaters]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
testingWaters,

The way you put it is not brutal but it is truthful. We are the ones the world should listen to about how to protect children from CSA because each of us together have a wealth of knowledge that we want to share to protect others.

GWsurvives,
I like the idea of changing paranoid to vigilant.


Brokensoul.


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#183502 - 09/30/07 02:29 AM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: brokensoul]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
In my opinion, a child who is not receiving the affirmation, love, and gentle guidance from their parents is many times more likely to fall into situations where they can become sexual abuse victims. That is not to say that children who do have a supportive home environment are immune.

Yes Violet, I fear for children no matter what, but I have to keep the Serenity Prayer in mind otherwise I could go nuts.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#183986 - 10/02/07 08:12 AM Re: Anyone else Paranoid for kids? [Re: WalkingSouth]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Violet,

My kids were born in the mid-80s, so we were raising them right at the time when child abuse, especially of boys and especially by people known to the child, was gaining more and more public attention. We didn't feel there was a lot of specific guidance out there, so we did what we could. We told them no touching secret should be kept, that touching places covered by a swim suit is not allowed, and that if anything happens that makes them feel uncomfortable they should come to us right away. We checked out babysitters, never let either of them go to the toilet in a store unaccompanied, and so on.

But I think John absolutely nails it when he speaks of how important it is for a kid to feel special, wanted, loved, and cared for at home. Kids yearn for that, and if they don't get those feelings at home they will be that much more vulnerable to the lies and enticements of predators.

Violet I don't know how old your children are, but these days there are quite a few books out there for children of all ages, containing age-appropriate information, guidance and opportunities for discussions with Mom and Dad. You can check about these with your doctor, a local social services department, or online from the SPCC, I would think.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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