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#182297 - 09/25/07 01:45 PM Can you share?
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Survivors & partners,

I was hoping you all might be kind enough to share your insight on these subjects. These are things that could be very helpful to someone who has just begun to deal with their or their partners CSA issues. After talking to some newbies on here (myself included, of course), I thought it would be helpful to have it all in one post.

1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?


Feel free to add other questions that would be helpful.

Thanks,
V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#182298 - 09/25/07 01:54 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: violet]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Violet -

1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

That I am not alone. I did not think I would be able to share how I felt with anybody. But I met men and women in group that felt the same way I did! Imagine that - I was not alone. I was not a freak, a monster, or a pervert - just a really f^%@ed up guy.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

I had memories of what happened 35 years ago. During that 35 years I cut myself and when my perp died 14 years ago (my older brother) I started to act out sexually - completly disassociated all the time. I also worked like a demon and became a CFO - and everything had better be perfect. And it all came crashing down the end of February this year when the world literly fell apart. I checked into an inpatient facility and spent 6 weeks trying to understand why I was "crazy".

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

That once you face it and talk about it, you can get over it. It continues to haunt me - yes I have better coping skills - but the issues are still there.

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?

That would be my wife. She has been so strong - but also tough. She forced me to face my problems and understands that she can't fix me. She does listen, loves, and sometimes crys with me but is always clear that recovery is a choice that I have to make - and she and the kids will only support me in recovery. But she also makes it clear that she will always love me.



Edited by kellygtx (09/25/07 02:04 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#182319 - 09/25/07 05:10 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: kellygtx]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Dear Violet,
I am a partner of a man that suffered abuse as a boy.
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?
I agree, that I am not alone. and the knowledge that men, women, couples, DO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?
The negative spiral that my BF was experiencing. i couldn't be my positive self anymore, I was drained and of no help to anyone.
I tried to talk to him but he was just "Not in the moment" if you know what I mean. So I made the decision to move out. Not to leave him, but just the daily situation.
I miss him and am in panic over his state of mind, but i am not unable to catch my breath anymore.

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA
That only the abused person is the victim. Everyone that truley loves that person is so deeply affected and it mirrors the exact emotions that the abused felt as a child. Survivors do not "know" it as their own pain is so overwhelming. The only difference is the partners ability to physically walk away. (of course your head and heart are still with the survivor)The lonliness and pain go with you wherever you are and anything can trigger it's wave. You know you want to(and should) be able to let it go, but it's all encompassing. With help and the honesty of the folks here (and a good T) you can learn to ease any pain.
It just is not a path easy to walk alone. But the first step must always be ones own.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#182323 - 09/25/07 05:35 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: kellygtx]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

As Kelly said that I was not alone. I was not the only male to be abused. I was not alone in things I did as a result of being abused.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

I just got feed up with myself and my dangerous Behavior.


3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

Don't know may have to think on that one a while.


4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?


Create a safe place to be able to talk about our abuse. A place that is calm and where there will be no judgments or guesses made. A place where we know that it will not change how someone else thinks of us when we share our nightmares. We also need to know that our pain will not hurt those we share it with. most importantly trust that we will not be pushed to talk about what happened(a little nudge to keep us moving in the right direction is ok.) Trust that who we talk to won't rush ahead and tell others before we are ready to tell them ourselves.

I'm sure others will chime in and add to the list but this is what came to my mind and wanted to add to Kelly's thoughts.

Brokensoul


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#182328 - 09/25/07 05:52 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: brokensoul]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Dear Brokensoul,
THANK YOU SO MUCH for #4. It's so hard being the partner cause we are afraid to add to the pain. Thank you for making it clear.
((HUG))
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#182944 - 09/27/07 08:06 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: violet]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Hi, V.

Quote:
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

That I am strong enough to do this.
That there are good people who care.

Quote:
2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

I confirmed my ex-wife was in an affair, and I still don't know to this day why I decided then to disclose to her. When I talked her into marriage counseling, she told the counselor and I was on my way.

When my sister told me that a perp whom my parents and all my siblings knew was working at a home for boys, I wrote to the police.

Quote:
3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

All Lies....

Quote:
4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?

I don't. My ex-wife wasn't willing or even able to help. Her childhood was worse than mine, and she's still running from it.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#182970 - 09/27/07 08:58 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: outis]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Thank you all for sharing. I hope we get even more responses.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#183022 - 09/28/07 12:16 AM Re: Can you share? *DELETED* [Re: violet]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Post deleted by ttoon

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#183031 - 09/28/07 01:19 AM Re: Can you share? [Re: ttoon]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i can only answer#3 THE BIGGEST LIE IS THAT BOYS THAT GET ABUSED BECOME ABUSERS. thats the biggest lie ever ,second is a perp saying he was abused and abuse made him a perp shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#183044 - 09/28/07 01:55 AM Re: Can you share? [Re: violet]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: violet
.
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?


That there is a difference between love and abuse.

Quote:
2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?


There were several issues, but the most important was that I needed to protect my nephew from my mother, the lady who abused me.

Quote:
3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?


Oh, there are several. The one that infuriates me the most, though, is the one that states that if a boy enjoys being sexually abused, then it really isn't abuse. Yes, I enjoyed my abuse. Yes, it seriously messed me up.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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