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#182936 - 09/27/07 07:40 PM My one hug
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I had lunch with my father today. It was the first time I had seen him in almost three months. It was a voluntary separation on my part. I needed my distance to heal. I intended to hug him today. I didn't have the courage.

But in thinking of that missed opportunity today, I have retrieved a fond memory of the one time, as a child, that I did receive a hug. This hug wasn't from either of my parents, oddly enough. Plus, it came at the most unsuspecting of times.

I was in a lot of trouble in elementary school. I made at least a weekly visit to the principal's office. These were obviously my acting out days, and it kind of bothers me that my teachers didn't realize that something was going on at home. Well, I think there was one person in that school that suspected that something was wrong, but in those days, I don't think he could have done much about it especially since I would have denied any prying questions into my home life.

There was that one fateful day in sixth grade where everything just kind of came toppling down. It was winter 1987, and my parents were in the midst of a brutal divorse. My mothers false accusations of rape and spousal abuse had just come to the forefront. Needless to say, things had just gotten very ugly. I wasn't functioning at all in school. The covert sexual abuse and emotional abuse from my mother was about to get really bad. I was less than five months away from my first emotional breakdown, something I endured in the privacy of my own bedroom, and I had incurred the wrath of my teacher for laughing maniacally during the very explicit part of my first actual lesson in the physiology sex education. All these years later, I realize that I had been triggered. How was my teacher to know that? I was sent to the principal's office for the third time that day, and I honestly did not know what I was doing wrong.

I had been in a fight the day before. I didn't start it, but I was the one who was seen throwing a punch. They never did catch the other kid. Just that morning, I had slipped while trying to take off my moon boots before class. I grabbed a hold of one of the jackets on the coat rack, and the whole dang thing came tumbling down on me. Another trips to the principal's office. That day at lunch, I was trading my pumpkin custard for a banana, and when I tried to slide the custard down to the other kid, he picked up his hand at the last second. Yep, it slid off the end of the table, and the custodian saw it. Another trip to the principal's office.

Needless to say, I did not have the courage to face my principal after that. I went to the bathroom instead, and I fully intended to spend the rest of the day there. One kid came in. I thought I was quiet enough so that he wouldn't hear me, but he ran into the principal on the way out. The principal was obviously looking for me.

"Have you seen Bryan?"

"No, not since he left class." I guess I owe this kid for trying to stick up for me, but the principal was too good.

"He's in the bathroom isn't he?"

The kid didn't respond, but I knew he had nodded his head. A few moments later, long enough for that kid to be around the corner, the principal called out in a stern voice, "Bryan? I have all day, you know."

Yep. It was time for me to face my punishment. Three times to the principal's office in one day, four times in two days...I was sure I was about to get suspended. I got up, off the toilet seat, and went out to face the wrath of this man I feared.

I tried to walk by him, hoping he would follow me to his office. It was a path I knew all too well, but he didn't let me pass. He grabbed me. I didn't like being touched, so I took a swign. I took a fucking swing at an adult authority figure. I caught him in the stomach, but he didn't flinch. He pulled me close. It was an embrace of understanding. I cried.

I don't know how long he held me. It might have been all afternoon. I was never allowed to cry at home. I let it all out right then and there. I was losing my father, a man with whom I would not reconcile for over a decade. It hurt, and I didn't even realize it until that moment.

We went to his office, and I cried some more. He let me sit in there for the rest of the afternoon. He told me I could sit in there the next day as well. I sat the rest of the week in his office until I had the courage to return to class.

I'm crying as I write this post. This man was important to me. That one fateful day in January 1987, he changed my life. One hug, one show of compassion, might have saved me from myself. In the terrible years that were to come, I thought of this hug often. It kept me going at times of trouble. This man believed in me. It took me twenty years to live up to his expectations, but I'm finally doing it, Mr. Kercher.

Thank you

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#182939 - 09/27/07 07:46 PM Re: My one hug [Re: BJK]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11053
Loc: Denver, CO
How wonderful that there was an adult to reach out to you with compassion.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#182942 - 09/27/07 07:57 PM Re: My one hug [Re: FormerTexan]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Bryan,

Wow.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Here's another one...wish I could give it in person...

((((((((Bryan...20 years later))))))))

Much Love,
Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#182943 - 09/27/07 08:00 PM Re: My one hug [Re: trusty]
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
Wow Bryan, that's incredible.

There's people like that everywhere, but they're so hard to run into I think. I'm glad you did.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#182950 - 09/27/07 08:25 PM Re: My one hug [Re: melliferal]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Bryan thats a fantastic story.... have you ever talked to him since you were an adult?


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#182958 - 09/27/07 08:43 PM Re: My one hug [Re: theatrekid]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Thanks a lot guys. This post was kind of important to me.

I did run into him one time after elementary school when I was 15 years old carving roast beef at a local buffet restaurant. He shook my hand and told me he was proud of me. It put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

I haven't seen him since, but I sat next to his son during graduation commencement.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#182987 - 09/27/07 09:16 PM Re: My one hug [Re: BJK]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
bryan------------------thanks for sharing this---------------steve


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#182991 - 09/27/07 09:26 PM Re: My one hug [Re: sabata]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Bryan that is SO cool. You make me remember a time that I broke down in front of the principle in 9th grade. I fucking lost it dude. And he knew shit was going on behind the scenes of my life as well.

You know WHY he hugged you? I suspect it's because he knew that you were a GOOD KID but you had a shitty life and he did what he could to help you. We need more Mr. Kerchers in this world.

Thank you Bryan.........you made me remember when I lost it as a kid in front of a practical stranger too.


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#182994 - 09/27/07 09:32 PM Re: My one hug [Re: Hauser]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
i guess my loosing it was--------------------i would freak out hyperventlate-----------pass out------------right there-------------------------------on the spot-------------did it once in 2nd grade--------------5 th--------------and around 7 th-----------------no one really did anything-------------------carried me to the nurses office--------------------till i came to--------------then they sent on my way-----------------oh also i did this once in my 20s-------------at lunch hour at work--------------------i looked around--at the people--------------i thjought i dont know any of these people----------------started freaking----------------------then out like a light-------------------------steve


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#182998 - 09/27/07 10:02 PM Re: My one hug [Re: Hauser]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: Hauser

You know WHY he hugged you? I suspect it's because he knew that you were a GOOD KID but you had a shitty life and he did what he could to help you. We need more Mr. Kerchers in this world.


Yes. I know why he hugged me. I didn't know then. In fact, I was embarassed as hell about it then. Looking back? Before my sister had kids, that was the only sign of pure affection anyone ever showed me in my entire life.

All of these years later, it means so much.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#182999 - 09/27/07 10:04 PM Re: My one hug [Re: BJK]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
yeah................tell me Bryan? When he hugged you.........you held on to him didn't you? Yes I can see just how important that is.


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#183001 - 09/27/07 10:19 PM Re: My one hug [Re: Hauser]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Actually, I didn't. I pushed him away at first, and when I realized how good it felt, I just kind of stood there and let him hold me.

I remember he always wore a nice suite to school, and I'm guessing the jacket was quite wet by the time he finally let me go.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#183011 - 09/27/07 10:48 PM Re: My one hug [Re: BJK]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
geez..........


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#183024 - 09/28/07 12:31 AM Re: My one hug [Re: Hauser]
Power_water Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/14/07
Posts: 45
Loc: Portland, OR, USA
the first time I 'Lost it' in front of an authority figure was as a tall boy in front of my Father and my brothers and sisters and some of their friends.
I was not as fortunate as you.

I was given a forceful spanking, and vicious tongue lashing and I was told to stay in a room alone for a few hours.

everyone there supported my dads actions as good discipline.

but nobody noticed I needed special help

nobody gave me a hug.

_________________________
Bring works of darkness to light

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#183025 - 09/28/07 12:32 AM Re: My one hug [Re: Power_water]
Power_water Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/14/07
Posts: 45
Loc: Portland, OR, USA
I was careful never to openly display such actions again.

I forced it all inside on myself

_________________________
Bring works of darkness to light

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#183039 - 09/28/07 01:41 AM Re: My one hug [Re: Power_water]
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
Bryan,

I am very glad that man was someone who could sense what you needed, and give to you a safe hug as that. It obviously had much impact to you, as you recall it still so strongly now. I wish only he could have help you more, sense more what was troubling to you, to protect you from some of the other of your life that caused to you pain.

VN


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#183070 - 09/28/07 07:06 AM Re: My one hug [Re: VN]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Bryan

That is really great. A teacher once put his hand on my head and just rushed it through my hair. Since that day I became almost obsessed with washing my hair every day just in case he would do that again.

My biggest fantasy in life is still the Good Will Hunting scene. Being held close by a man I trust and being told it is not my fault. To a certain degree you had that experience when it really mattered.

Thanx for sharing

Tjaart

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#183073 - 09/28/07 07:25 AM Re: My one hug *DELETED* [Re: pietie]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Post deleted by ttoon

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#183074 - 09/28/07 07:29 AM Re: My one hug [Re: ttoon]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
the only hug i ever got that mattered was from nyjah ,made me feel just like you describe . shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#183207 - 09/28/07 04:20 PM Re: My one hug [Re: shadowkid]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Shadow? What about Jimmy? What about Sam? What about Sarah? Those hugs didn't count? (after all these WERE real people and kids in your life not just us guys out here in cybrespace).


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#183250 - 09/28/07 10:10 PM Re: My one hug [Re: Hauser]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
they never been hurt hauser, they had no reason not to hug .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#183251 - 09/28/07 11:00 PM Re: My one hug [Re: shadowkid]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Wow, that's a GOOD point.


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#183438 - 09/29/07 03:53 PM Re: My one hug [Re: BJK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bryan,

I know how crucial those special people can be. I wept as I read this account of this one and his impact on your life. Do you know if he's still alive? If he is you might want to get in touch. That's what I've been doing and it's helping me a lot.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#183457 - 09/29/07 06:32 PM Re: My one hug [Re: roadrunner]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Larry,

I think you brought up a great idea. I know how difficult the job of teacher/principal can be. I think at my next T session, I'm going to talk with my T about sending him a letter.

There is no doubt in my mind that he will remember me.

Thank you to everyone who has responded here.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#183458 - 09/29/07 06:42 PM Re: My one hug [Re: BJK]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
Bryan --

When I was 8 my 2nd grade teacher tried to put barrettes in my hair because my hair was too long. You can scarcely imagine how terrified I was. Being abused at home and having a teacher publicly feminize you like that - hoo boy. The story ends with me throwing getting surrounded by the class and throwing a heavy book at her head.

She was wrong to do what she did and the incident would probably spark enough controversy to wind up on the Drudge Report if it happened today, but still - your story here makes me want to write her a letter to explain why I was so freaked out and to let her know (though I think she retired) that there is often alot going on with a boy that a teacher has no way to know. That it might be alot more helpful to talk to kids.

I bet this guy would really appreciate the letter. Hope your T thinks you should do it.

Love, TW


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#183462 - 09/29/07 07:18 PM Re: My one hug [Re: testingWaters]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Bryan

I have a teacher who im pretty close to... i asked him why he teaches and he said because he enjoys knowing that he might have made a difference in a childs life. i bet your old principle would think the same. i agree with Larry you should try to get in touch with him if you can.

,Chris


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#183689 - 10/01/07 02:47 AM Re: My one hug [Re: theatrekid]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi Bryan,

Yes, that was a special time, and I'm glad you shared that with us. I was almost in tears when I finished reading. It's tough when the hugs are so few and far between. In fact, I've promised myself when I see Dad in heaven we'll hug then as we couldn't here on Earth. I've had good moments like that, too, where a hug has helped me. And I'd give you a hug too, if I met you.

Ed


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#183700 - 10/01/07 07:12 AM Re: My one hug [Re: BJK]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Thanks for talking about your experience. I certainly would give you a hug if I could. You deserved it then and certainly a whole bunch more before and after your experience.

Glad that your here and that we can be part of your life.

B


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#184265 - 10/03/07 12:28 AM Re: My one hug [Re: Barney]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Bryan,

I'm late to this thread but I want to thank you for sharing that story. It is amazing to me the difference just one person can make in a kids life with a single act of kindness. My eyes were wet as well when I was reading.

Thanks,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#185279 - 10/06/07 05:44 PM Re: My one hug [Re: WalkingSouth]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
My T has agreed with the idea of sending this letter. I'm going to write it this weekend and pop it into the mail next week.

Thank you again to everyone who has responded. This thread has turned into something awesome for me.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185322 - 10/06/07 07:46 PM Re: My one hug [Re: BJK]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
That is what this place is all about, Bryan. Thanks again for sharing this part of your journey with us.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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