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#182936 - 09/27/07 07:40 PM My one hug
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I had lunch with my father today. It was the first time I had seen him in almost three months. It was a voluntary separation on my part. I needed my distance to heal. I intended to hug him today. I didn't have the courage.

But in thinking of that missed opportunity today, I have retrieved a fond memory of the one time, as a child, that I did receive a hug. This hug wasn't from either of my parents, oddly enough. Plus, it came at the most unsuspecting of times.

I was in a lot of trouble in elementary school. I made at least a weekly visit to the principal's office. These were obviously my acting out days, and it kind of bothers me that my teachers didn't realize that something was going on at home. Well, I think there was one person in that school that suspected that something was wrong, but in those days, I don't think he could have done much about it especially since I would have denied any prying questions into my home life.

There was that one fateful day in sixth grade where everything just kind of came toppling down. It was winter 1987, and my parents were in the midst of a brutal divorse. My mothers false accusations of rape and spousal abuse had just come to the forefront. Needless to say, things had just gotten very ugly. I wasn't functioning at all in school. The covert sexual abuse and emotional abuse from my mother was about to get really bad. I was less than five months away from my first emotional breakdown, something I endured in the privacy of my own bedroom, and I had incurred the wrath of my teacher for laughing maniacally during the very explicit part of my first actual lesson in the physiology sex education. All these years later, I realize that I had been triggered. How was my teacher to know that? I was sent to the principal's office for the third time that day, and I honestly did not know what I was doing wrong.

I had been in a fight the day before. I didn't start it, but I was the one who was seen throwing a punch. They never did catch the other kid. Just that morning, I had slipped while trying to take off my moon boots before class. I grabbed a hold of one of the jackets on the coat rack, and the whole dang thing came tumbling down on me. Another trips to the principal's office. That day at lunch, I was trading my pumpkin custard for a banana, and when I tried to slide the custard down to the other kid, he picked up his hand at the last second. Yep, it slid off the end of the table, and the custodian saw it. Another trip to the principal's office.

Needless to say, I did not have the courage to face my principal after that. I went to the bathroom instead, and I fully intended to spend the rest of the day there. One kid came in. I thought I was quiet enough so that he wouldn't hear me, but he ran into the principal on the way out. The principal was obviously looking for me.

"Have you seen Bryan?"

"No, not since he left class." I guess I owe this kid for trying to stick up for me, but the principal was too good.

"He's in the bathroom isn't he?"

The kid didn't respond, but I knew he had nodded his head. A few moments later, long enough for that kid to be around the corner, the principal called out in a stern voice, "Bryan? I have all day, you know."

Yep. It was time for me to face my punishment. Three times to the principal's office in one day, four times in two days...I was sure I was about to get suspended. I got up, off the toilet seat, and went out to face the wrath of this man I feared.

I tried to walk by him, hoping he would follow me to his office. It was a path I knew all too well, but he didn't let me pass. He grabbed me. I didn't like being touched, so I took a swign. I took a fucking swing at an adult authority figure. I caught him in the stomach, but he didn't flinch. He pulled me close. It was an embrace of understanding. I cried.

I don't know how long he held me. It might have been all afternoon. I was never allowed to cry at home. I let it all out right then and there. I was losing my father, a man with whom I would not reconcile for over a decade. It hurt, and I didn't even realize it until that moment.

We went to his office, and I cried some more. He let me sit in there for the rest of the afternoon. He told me I could sit in there the next day as well. I sat the rest of the week in his office until I had the courage to return to class.

I'm crying as I write this post. This man was important to me. That one fateful day in January 1987, he changed my life. One hug, one show of compassion, might have saved me from myself. In the terrible years that were to come, I thought of this hug often. It kept me going at times of trouble. This man believed in me. It took me twenty years to live up to his expectations, but I'm finally doing it, Mr. Kercher.

Thank you

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#182939 - 09/27/07 07:46 PM Re: My one hug [Re: BJK]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11026
Loc: Denver, CO
How wonderful that there was an adult to reach out to you with compassion.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#182942 - 09/27/07 07:57 PM Re: My one hug [Re: FormerTexan]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Bryan,

Wow.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Here's another one...wish I could give it in person...

((((((((Bryan...20 years later))))))))

Much Love,
Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#182943 - 09/27/07 08:00 PM Re: My one hug [Re: trusty]
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
Wow Bryan, that's incredible.

There's people like that everywhere, but they're so hard to run into I think. I'm glad you did.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#182950 - 09/27/07 08:25 PM Re: My one hug [Re: melliferal]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Bryan thats a fantastic story.... have you ever talked to him since you were an adult?


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#182958 - 09/27/07 08:43 PM Re: My one hug [Re: theatrekid]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Thanks a lot guys. This post was kind of important to me.

I did run into him one time after elementary school when I was 15 years old carving roast beef at a local buffet restaurant. He shook my hand and told me he was proud of me. It put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.

I haven't seen him since, but I sat next to his son during graduation commencement.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#182987 - 09/27/07 09:16 PM Re: My one hug [Re: BJK]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
bryan------------------thanks for sharing this---------------steve


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#182991 - 09/27/07 09:26 PM Re: My one hug [Re: sabata]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Bryan that is SO cool. You make me remember a time that I broke down in front of the principle in 9th grade. I fucking lost it dude. And he knew shit was going on behind the scenes of my life as well.

You know WHY he hugged you? I suspect it's because he knew that you were a GOOD KID but you had a shitty life and he did what he could to help you. We need more Mr. Kerchers in this world.

Thank you Bryan.........you made me remember when I lost it as a kid in front of a practical stranger too.


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#182994 - 09/27/07 09:32 PM Re: My one hug [Re: Hauser]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
i guess my loosing it was--------------------i would freak out hyperventlate-----------pass out------------right there-------------------------------on the spot-------------did it once in 2nd grade--------------5 th--------------and around 7 th-----------------no one really did anything-------------------carried me to the nurses office--------------------till i came to--------------then they sent on my way-----------------oh also i did this once in my 20s-------------at lunch hour at work--------------------i looked around--at the people--------------i thjought i dont know any of these people----------------started freaking----------------------then out like a light-------------------------steve


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#182998 - 09/27/07 10:02 PM Re: My one hug [Re: Hauser]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: Hauser

You know WHY he hugged you? I suspect it's because he knew that you were a GOOD KID but you had a shitty life and he did what he could to help you. We need more Mr. Kerchers in this world.


Yes. I know why he hugged me. I didn't know then. In fact, I was embarassed as hell about it then. Looking back? Before my sister had kids, that was the only sign of pure affection anyone ever showed me in my entire life.

All of these years later, it means so much.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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