It's been a while since I last posted here. I've been trying to work on some things but I'm having a really hard time seeing any good coming from my efforts.

I had worked so hard, and worried so much, about my disclosure to my GF that when I finally told her - she's the only person I've ever told - I felt like I had taken a giant step forward. Unfortunately, since then I feel like I've slipped back, and back, and back. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I just don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

I've been struggling to control my self-destructive behaviors and I've tried to distance myself from my old methods of coping.

Without going into detail, I've removed all of the things around me that I used to use to cope when I felt this way (alcohol, drugs, porn, etc, etc). The problem is, now that I'm trying to cope in a more healthy way, I realize that I don't really know how to do that.

I am so frustrated right now.

I had a huge triggering event a few weeks ago and it sent me reeling.

After it happened, I could, literally, feel myself shutting everything out again. I thought it was just a temporary feeling, that it would pass, but it seems to be getting worse as time goes by. I've been experiencing extremely vivid flashbacks about my abuse, I'm constantly depressed and I'm really not feeling very good about myself or my place in the world.

On top of everything else that's going on, I'm faced with another issue that I don't quite know how to handle.

My nephew's birthday is today. He's seven years old - the same age I was when my abuse began - and that fact is very upsetting to me.

I don't know how much more I can take right now.

I have so much more I could write, but I'd be here all night. I just needed to get some of this off my chest, and I thank anyone who has taken the time to read what I have written.

It's funny, I'm still never sure if I should write anything on here. I can't help but feel like I'm bothering everyone...I guess that's something else I have to work on.

Anyways, thanks again for being here.

If anyone has any thoughts, comments or suggestions, I'm all ears.

Post deleted by ttoon

wheni first came here and saw guys that been here for years i thought well that wont be me im ok im just gonna talk to people and everything will be ok . i'll just hang out till im better.its been two years im just as confused as i was then maybe more .

Adam,

You will be amused to know what I thought when I first showed up here. I saw all these guys who were dealing with things that were also troubling me and I decided, Oh okay, I will hang here a few weeks, figure everything out, and be gone in a few weeks! Little did I know...

Much love,
Larry

Scott,

I don't recall whether you are in therapy, but I can tell you that was crucial for me. Before I was with a T I could really trust and connect with, I could take a few big decisions but then have no idea how to consolidate them or put them to any use. It was my T who got me to focus and move forward, rather than drifting from one crisis to the next.

Much love,
Larry

Larry,

I've been giving your advice a lot of thought lately. I have not yet sought the help of a T, I'm not really sure why. I keep saying I'm too scared to talk to anybody about what happened. Scared of what...embarrassment...feeling helpless...not having control? I don't know...
Really, how do I know when I'm ready? Maybe I'll never really be ready, maybe I need to force myself to go, ready or not.

Oh yeah, I really should mention... In my original post on this thread, I was worried about my reaction to my nephew's birthday. Well, I went to his birthday party and I had a really, really good time. I am so glad I went to the party, I got to act like a kid! It was sooo much fun!

BruisedSpirit,

Hello.

I would also advise you to find a theraist. This will help you. Try several ones and stop when you will find the most comfortable person who will make you think and feel about your issues.

The process of therapist shopping is interesting. It is challenging and demanding one's courage, but it is rewarding.

Thanks for this post.

Alexey