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#181999 - 09/24/07 04:59 AM triggered by friends with a "normal" relationship?
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
ok, here goes:

i've thought this over for about a week now - more or less 10 days ago a friend and i were making plans to get together during the week for the coming weekend. then i called on a sat; she was coming to my house the next day, sun evening. we sent text messages that sat afternoon, i was grocery shopping; it was raining, was a bit frazzled anyway because someone stole my umbrella out of my cart (!) but then, i tried to call her when a text answer was going to be too long and she didn't answer so i left a voice mail.

coming out of the store she sent me a long text; she was sorry she missed my call, her and her boyfriend were just finishing dinner before he had to leave and go back to his home - he lives some distance away and they mostly just see each other on weekends. not unlike the way my bf and i were doing when we started out. only she and him are rock-solid, have traveled out of the country together, are going on for about 6-7 years now.

for all intents and purposes, they have a good relationship, one that is built on trust, respect and communication. she is my friend, her bf respects that also.

of course i haven't told her of the issues between me and my bf, only that they are there and things are difficult.

but i don't know why, something somewhere just triggered me that afternoon, her text about them finishing up dinner and all - i really just had a total meltdown as in got nasty to the taxi driver taking me back from the store. of course i got soaked in the rain from no umbrella but so what? it's just water.

once inside my apt, i just sat down and cried like i haven't in a long time. i was just so hurt that someone else could have such a great relationship and i didn't, and it hurt, and i just love him so much and i know he loves me and he can't function properly and it's all just so hard.

of course i pulled myself together and all but i just thought it was so weird - it really was like just being around someone else and seeing things in a better way - it really triggered something. i don't resent her or anything, and i don't resent my bf because he's not like her bf, it's not that. it just made me sad that the csa hurt our lives, hurt what's going on, hurt him so deeply.

i just wondered if anyone else ever experienced this - like does it make you sort of nervous about being around people with good relationships? especially those of you whose marriages are now in turmoil post-disclosure?

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#182020 - 09/24/07 08:06 AM Re: triggered by friends with a "normal" relationship? [Re: indygal]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Indygal:

First, I'd like to extend a sister (((Hug))) to you. Meltdown's and crying are a healthy thing to do. I look at it as the release of a pressure valve within our emotions...without this release well, would it all just build up and we'd explode like one of those old fashioned pressure cookers?

I guess I'm not the one to attest to being around those with "good relationships"... I have yet to meet a couple who did not have at least some bit of problems. I think within the balance of life that even those couples who appear to have it all there is some sort of life challenge they face. Health issues, financial...something...

Personally, I admire couples who have a wonderful attitude about life. They seem to believe they can move mountains together and they often do! Rock by rock including the stream that flows down the center of it. I'd love to get to that place myself...that belief that no matter what is tossed in the way that we'll work around it.

Thanks for sharing the term turmoil post-disclosure...I never heard that one before and that pretty much sums the whole thing up right now.

Hang in there Indy!

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#182059 - 09/24/07 11:34 AM Re: triggered by friends with a "normal" relations [Re: sweet-n-sour]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
sns,

thanks so much for the hug.

the thing is, it was more like a realization of sorts, that the relationship i'm in is sooo dysfunctional - by no means do i think (my friends) their relationship is perfect, i didn't mean to say that. it's just i'd trade petty jealousy, resentment over who makes the most money, friendship issues, just about anything rather than have to deal with the kind of issues we as fnf of survivors deal with.

nothing personal guys - it's just hard, you know? and we hurt for you, too, not just ourselves.

Originally Posted By: sweet-n-sour
Thanks for sharing the term turmoil post-disclosure...I never heard that one before and that pretty much sums the whole thing up right now.


after being on this board a while you pretty much see the patterns and if ever there was (is) a pattern, by golly, this is a big one. maybe there already exists a term for it, donno, just seemed sorta on the money.

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#182071 - 09/24/07 12:27 PM Re: triggered by friends with a "normal" relations [Re: indygal]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Indygal:

Yes, I get what you're saying. It reminds me of a friend I had in school who used to voice her anger every time she broke a nail and the girl sitting across from her was missing her right index finger. I often wondered what the girl thought of this friend complaining about something so trivial.

Wouldn't it be nice to be in the spot of the girl whose big worry was the chipping of a fingernail? (The relationship with resentment over who makes the most money, ect.?)

Yes, it is very hard indeed...for all of us sharing this journey.

Turmoil post-disclosure...describes it best...

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#182116 - 09/24/07 04:55 PM Re: triggered by friends with a "normal" relations [Re: sweet-n-sour]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Dear Indygal,
As different as our BF's or H's or partner's journey is, it seems like the common thread we all experience is a deep sense of loss. loss of what could have been, loss of innocence, loss of connection, the inability to help. Bamboo shoots under the fingernails would be preferable to watching someone i love be in this much pain and being unable to help. a giant (((HUG))) to you. Tears are a way of washing the slate clean to be ready for another round. M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#182117 - 09/24/07 04:56 PM Re: triggered by friends with a "normal" relations [Re: mmac]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
S-n_S, God bless you and the many hands you hold on this incredible journey of Love.
(((HUG)))
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#182251 - 09/25/07 08:57 AM Re: triggered by friends with a "normal" relations [Re: mmac]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear mmac:

Thanks for the blessings...and (((hug)))right back to you as well.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#182411 - 09/26/07 02:13 AM Re: triggered by friends with a "normal" relations [Re: mmac]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: mmac
As different as our BF's or H's or partner's journey is, it seems like the common thread we all experience is a deep sense of loss. loss of what could have been, loss of innocence, loss of connection, the inability to help. Bamboo shoots under the fingernails would be preferable to watching someone i love be in this much pain and being unable to help.


i couldn't have said it better.

thanks so much.

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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