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#182399 - 09/25/07 11:12 PM Should I or shouldn't I?
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Next week I have to go on a business trip and I will be staying in the town where my last prep lives, works, and is an active member of the community. I have his phone number and email. I have a free evening, should I contact him or just let it be?

I want to confront him, or at least let him know what happen between us was part of something way more than he know of. I want to know if he knew about what else had happened to me? If maybe it also happened to him?

I really don't blame him for my cycle of abuse. I had deep feeling for him, he was more of a brother to me then my own brother. When I look back I see want happen between us as him seeking to find himself. This town where he lives and that I will be visiting is known as a openly gay town, so it makes me wonder if he might be gay himself.

Thanks for any advise!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#182437 - 09/26/07 09:27 AM Re: Should I or shouldn't I? [Re: TNuss]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Troy,
If I may offer advice, I would suggest that you need to be certain that you are ready for this talk. Make sure you are stable enough to handle it (I suspect you are from the calm manner you posed the question to us).

But, also, be prepared for what you might get as a response. That can sometimes be harmful or shocking to the victim who is confronting his abuser. When I confronted my perp (my brother), I got a calm response, but then nothing more...it left me feeling empty and unsatisfied. You may get denial. Or anger...or any number of unexpected responses.

So, just be prepared...that's all I'm saying. Have you discussed this with your therapist? He or she might also have an opinion about your level of readiness.

But, finally, only you know if you are ready. I wish you well.

Much Love,
Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#182438 - 09/26/07 09:30 AM Re: Should I or shouldn't I? [Re: trusty]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i vote no. you are going to be on a buiness trip. not the time or the place. if you want to, plan a seperate trip on your own time.


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#182477 - 09/26/07 12:15 PM Re: Should I or shouldn't I? [Re: Jarrad]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Troy,

I think this is a wonderful opportunity for a great outcome! You know what they say, with risks come great rewards. However, before you do anything I would highly recommend you review the chapter on confronting your perp in Mike Lew's book. He discusses safety issues like meeting in a public place (if you two decide to meet in person at all) and possibly with a friend (or thug) nearby for support. He also goes over handling various scenarios or reactions your perp might have. Russ hit it on point that it's important to be prepared and that you get all the support that you need. I believe everything happens for a reason and that nothing happens accidentally. Okay, okay I confess I'm a Chick Flick watcher and wanna-be Buddhist (lighting my incense now & putting in VHS tape of 'Sleepless in Seattle'). Nevertheless, you have to admit this is an opportunity... I know you have a lot of pondering to do. If you do decide to make that jump, please be prepared and make sure you know where to land.

Wishing you the best,
Jay

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#183519 - 09/30/07 05:05 AM Re: Should I or shouldn't I? [Re: GentleSoul]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Troy,

You would probably benefit a lot from reading what Ken has to say about confrontations in an article here on the site: http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

I think you have received some very useful comments already. Be very careful and do this only if you feel you are ready. Jarrad has a good point: this is a business trip and a confrontation isn't something you should add to that without a lot of forethought and preparation.

Most especially, ask yourself, "What do I want from this? What do I need?" And then would come the question of whether you think you will get any of these things from a confrontation. Will it BE a confrontation? Or is it something else you want? A reconciliation? Would it help you to send him a letter first and see how he replies? Russ's thought on sharing this with your T is an excellent suggestion. And what about support, aside from your T? If it all goes wrong, who can you fall back on?

I think the main question here is how to proceed in a way that is safest for you. Recovery is hard enough already; you don't need any new devastation or trauma to add into the mix.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#183738 - 10/01/07 02:20 PM Re: Should I or shouldn't I? [Re: roadrunner]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Troy,

The main concern from my point of view is your safety.

This confrontation may not give you the results that you are looking for and you will be away from your home and support. I also suggest that you talk this over with your T and discuss what you're hoping to achieve from this. I don't want you to become overwhelmed by the past and fall into old patterns of abuser/abused.

I thought of the guy who abused me as an older brother too. I thought that he loved me at the time but he only used me. After he moved away I felt very used and abandoned, ashamed of what happened to me. I never want to see him again because he could never make right what he'd done. I've forgiven myself and have moved on with my life. He doesn't have any answers for me that would be remotely acceptable because I doubt if he even knew or cared what the affect of his actions would have on me. It's my healing that is important to me now.

Whatever your decision just make sure that you keep yourself safe and focused on your well-being. Larry has made some excellent suggestions in his post.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#183766 - 10/01/07 03:54 PM Re: Should I or shouldn't I? [Re: Stephen_5]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Let me start by saying thank you to each and everyone of you.

Also I apologize in advance, below is just my own rambles, I need to get them out of my head.

I have really thought through my options and my free time is the evening before I come home, so I want to enjoy myself. A confrontation would probably disturb the possibility of me having an enjoyable evening. So I知 going to go do what I have to do for work and Wednesday evening I知 going to enjoy the area by myself. If it is meant that I see him then I see him AND IF I that should happen, I知 going to have to be very strong. I won稚 be like, hey dude, so you molested any one recently. I値l just say HI and make small talk, you know, about why I知 there and so on and such, keeping it very simple. Just so happens, I actually have an appointment scheduled with my therapist as soon as I get back in town. I値l be driving directly there.

When I was younger, I spend my summers living and working, my grandfather ran a restaurant in this area. During the winter one of the gay clubs would host a teen dance club, so we spend many of a night in the town, so I know the area. I actually miss visiting it. After Labor Day, especially beginning in October this area is dead. There are just a few shops and restaurants open, mostly for the locals, which is heavily gay populated. This is why I wonder about him and worry about running into him and is what motivated me to think about just confronting him, so I was a bit more in control. I agree with what is being said, I won稚 have any support with me. And worse of all the place I'm staying doesn't have internet connection, that suck in itself. BUT I would love to just do it and get it over with, but the timing has to be right. I have to be safe.

Again thank you!!! XOXOXO

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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