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#182343 - 09/25/07 08:26 PM self cutting
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
For the first time(since i have been sober since 2002) i cut myself today twice and i have no idea why i did this yet confused and terrified with fear and yet again i really don't know why....i know this is not normal behavior.

I did however tell my T and Dr who both asked me why and still i have have no clue.....i'm bewildered,afraid,scared of this self cutting ...what do i do i can't keep doing this ......i'm hurting myself now not only emotionally but psychically.....the turmoil going on inside of me is getting to much to bear....


Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#182345 - 09/25/07 08:28 PM Re: self cutting [Re: thecoopstah]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Dear Coop,
Please do not do that. Take a deep breath and slowly let it out.
I am going to hug you if its okay?

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#182352 - 09/25/07 08:43 PM Re: self cutting [Re: mmac]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
I have someone close to me that use to cut themselves. I was there when their T recommended for them to dip their hands and arms into a bucket of ice water any time they felt the need to cut themselves. The T said that this will have the same effect on the mind as cutting without physical harm. Ask your T about this see what they recommend. But I can say it seemed to work for them.


Please take care.

Brokensoul


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#182356 - 09/25/07 08:56 PM Re: self cutting [Re: thecoopstah]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Dear Coopstah,

I believe that you did already identify why you cut yourself. Your last line said, "the turmoil going on inside of me is getting too much to bear". There is a certain stressor or stressors that are going on in your life that you perceive as being beyond your control. The self-cutting is your pressure valve to give you relief and escape from reality.

I can say this from experience. I have been exactly where you are. I know the feelings, or, should I say, shutting the feelings down and escaping. I feel really bad for you because I know the road that that self-destructive took me down.

I don't know where you are in your recovery, but, apparently, you either hit a major roadblock or you are dealing with something that is too painful to identify out loud.

You need to dig down into your soul and identify what the stressors are, name them and take a break from them. I am sure that it is stuff either directly associated with or exacerabated by CSA. Slow down! The cutting involves adrenaline, energy and a break from reality. Stay in reality. Talk to people. Slow your pace down to get rid of that "rush". I am not going to say "just stop" because that is easier said than done.

Be good to you. Do it right now, right now. I don't know how many people or things that you are involved with, but take a break from them. Go take a walk and pick some flowers instead. Cry on someone's shoulder. It's good for you. If you are working or going to school, take a day off. Take - a - break. Clear your mind. It's time, right now.

I wish you the very best, my friend. I want to see you get well. I have walked a mile in your shoes. Please let me know how you make out.

God bless,
John, The Music Man.


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#182382 - 09/25/07 10:10 PM Re: self cutting [Re: MusicMan]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
At this point who knows what i'll do or say or even turnout as a result i am clueless to all thats going on and feeling numb is all i want these days.


Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#182430 - 09/26/07 08:52 AM Re: self cutting [Re: thecoopstah]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Coop -

My friend - STOP! Reach out, do anything - but don't go down that dead end.

I know - I could do it in ways and places no one knew about. It started on my hands and arms and but that was not enough…I had to see it on the inside of my legs. Seeing it brought me right back to the bedroom when I was 10 – seeing the blood and thinking I was going to die. It was the first time I would bleed like that – and the rush it gave me was something out of this world. That’s why it was my “drug” of choice. The sting, the euphoria, and the sight of the “red tears” (as I have come to call them) seemed to make me feel better – a pressure valve.

I say this not to excite you but to warn you – this is an awful addiction – every bit as powerful as drugs, alcohol, or sex. It is just another self-destructive coping skill that we have. It is so easy to get lost in and feel the numbness. But you know what – the pain returns, along with more self-hate, loathing, and sadness…such profound sadness. You make all those promises – and you have every intention of keeping – only to slip back into the sea of misery. Don’t start. If you are thinking about it or doing it and want to talk, just PM me and know that you are not alone and are not crazy – and that you can stop – I have not cut myself since December of 2006.

(((((thecoopstah)))))

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#182436 - 09/26/07 09:20 AM Re: self cutting [Re: kellygtx]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Here is just a large list of things you can do besides self injury. If you feel the urge coming on, there are many, many things you can do instead of self injuring. Below is just the tip of the iceberg of things you can do. This was taken from a web site I visit often.

Go to SLEEP (I've used this a lot...just went to bed the hell with everything else, at the time the most important thing was for me NOT to cut)
Leave the room- just go out, anywhere
Call a friend/IM a friend/See a friend (seeing best, calling second, IM if you can't do the other two)
Email counselor/Call counselor
Exercise (great way to get out that frustrated energy)
Write
Watch a movie or TV
Come here and get support
Turn on the radio (dance around if you want to...like me)
Go into a room with someone else in it....if you live with someone else like me
Play games....free-cell, or other stuff
Write letters to people
Take a SHOWER! or a bath
Curl up into a little ball on the floor and try not to move...try to make myself as small as possible...that helps sometimes...lol, sounds crazy though
SING!!!
Play video games, violent ones foe when I'm frustrated or angry
Practice my guitar 9 keeps my hands busy, and is very relaxing)
Reading comics ( of the funny kind, Calvin and Hobbes is AWESOME)
Play with my daughter, or take a nap with her
Talk to my husband, or friend
Take a hot bath or shower, somehow getting clean helps
Meditation
Yoga, my newest interest has been working wonders
Get a list of ways to annoy people, go to the mall, and try to do as many as possible... I've yet to do this, but I plan to sometime...
See how many pieces you can rip a piece of paper into
Count something....
Try to figure out new stupid human tricks (like tongue tricks and things to do with your eyes.... I can finally move my eyes in two seperate directions... though it kinda tires out the muscles....)
Fold a paper into a triangle and figure out how to shoot it from your face (I figured out one way... that's not actually inside my mouth)
Teach myself something new
Draw
clean
write
journal
create art
rearrange the apartment
think of things for the gallery
Tearing up magazines is great
Punching something (not hard things that are gonna mess up your hand, though)
Go driving (only if you are safe!!!)
Go to the library
Try to see if you can hold perfectly still and count how long you last
Paint your nails
Look back on old photo's but not ones that are depressing
Eat, mainly junkfood hehe, not exactly healthy
Try to lighten your mood, go try to find some friends and hang out with them
Go to Second Chances
Play with pet if you have on ( don't you dare play with it's claws!!!)
Listen to music
Write poems or stories or in scrapbook
Cry
Cuddle up with the dog - Until she tries to lick you to death, then kick her outta your room man!!!
Deep breathing exercises
Go jogging or to the gym
Look through magazines and cut out pictures (stick in journal)
Talk to my parents (if there's no other option)
Computer
Homework
Shop
Annoy my family, yell, scream, interrupt them , dance, be an idiot
Stretch
Clean, sort out cupboards, drawers, clothes etc. get rid of old stuff. re-organize. move things around. change my room around (i.e. furniture)
Stick posters all over my walls (and ceiling) or if there are some there, take them down, put new ones up
The other day I made a friendship bracelet and then I did some French knitting
Sewing (i don't but it's an idea for those who can actually sew)
Think about all the shit that will happen if i start cutting again

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#182446 - 09/26/07 10:12 AM Re: self cutting [Re: kellygtx]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I wish it was that simple......it's not....i can't promise myself therefore i know i cant promise others either i won't act on this behavior


Coopstah


"Cutting" seems to bring me to a place i can really see myself hurting and the kinife is only the "tool" to bring it ( the blood and tears through pain)to the surface.....i'll stop when the pain,whatever pain that is, becomes great enough otherwise who knows....

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#182448 - 09/26/07 10:15 AM Re: self cutting [Re: kellygtx]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
My fiancee went to bed at 10pm and was up at 230 last night and only dozed off around 6AM and had to be up for work at 745AM i know she's worried and i told her this,this morning " i know i worry you and i'm sorry".....who knows i know i'm stressing her yet she seems to be holding it together....i'm so fuckin scattered and filled with pain

Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#182452 - 09/26/07 10:24 AM Re: self cutting [Re: thecoopstah]
caointeoir Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/06
Posts: 37
coopstah. i hear you. i'm with you. i won't tell you to stop, i can't myself. everything you said i could have said myself. don't promise anyone anything. don't do anything beause anyone else said.

i don't get how you others can say 'please don't do it', as if it would make any difference. if we could stop to make someone else happy, don't you think we would? sometimes this is the only thing that helps, the only way to feel SOMETHING, the only way to embrace the pain, else you can't do anything else but just go nuts.

kelly, if i could, mentally and physically, do any of these things, i would. but i can't.

coop, i don't have an answer, i don't even have anything to say for real. i'm just with you there.


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