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#18225 - 11/07/02 12:14 AM more EMDR for Orodo
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
**Possible trigger***

I had another EMDR session today. The objective was to reprocess all the emotions and
stress related to the abuse at the hands of my first perpetrator (a priest) and another
perpetrator whom I had told about this first abuse. The second perp was my babysitters
son, who was about 17, when I was about 10. Both of these perps still live in my
hometown. The first is now an ex-priest, who was shuffled around the Diocese, where he
likely perpetrated against other children, and is possibly still perpetrating against
children. Right close to home. The second perp, the baby sitters son, lives next door to
my Mom and Dad’s home, where I grew up. He still lives with his Mom and Dad. I visit
my Mom and Dad every Sunday for lunch, and bring my kids and wife there, and have
been having a really hard time with going to my Mom and Dad’s home. A place where I
should feel safe and secure, and where I should feel my kids are safe, but I cannot get
there. Before we got started, she asked me to rate my level of emotion with regard to my
first abuser. The objective would be to have me rate that abuse as a zero on a scale of 1
to 10. I rated it a 2. Then she asked me to rate my stress level with regard to my second
abuse. I rated it a 9. So there we go. The following could be triggering to some, as I am
going to give details about my abuse. If you don’t want to go there, stop here.

So last session, you can read my previous post. See

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001188

So I was right on time for my appt. My wife and I have been having a hard time. Our
relationship, IMHO, is on the rocks. She was PO’d cuz I went to this appointment. I’ll
leave my wife and I’s relationship out of this for now, cuz that’s too long a story to go
into for this post.

I got comfy in the Lazy Boy chair, asked her to turn off the big lights, and maybe turn on
a lamp. EMDR can be done in three ways that i know of, with eye movements (therapist
moves a hand or finger before your eyes, and you follow it with your eyes) auditory (you
wear a head set and tones beep in left and right ear) or tactile, (you hold two nodes, one
in each hand and they pulse or “vibrate” left and right hand). I’ve been using tactile
EMDR. I close my eyes, and she asks me to visualize or remember. I can talk it out or
just go there in my head. Today, i chose to talk it out loud. Otherwise, she would have
stopped, and asked me to repeat to her where I had gone in my mind, and what was going
on. Talking it through was the best yet. And here is what happened.

I went back to my first memories of my first sexual encounter with the babysitter’s son.
I’ll call him “Dufus”. I visualized sitting on his lap, watching TV. Beverly Hillbillies
were on. It was right after school. I was in third grade. I had no homework. I
remembered talking with him about “Ellie Mae Clampit”. He was touching me on my
shoulders my back my butt. This was in the den. I told him that the priest at the church
liked to feel me that way too. I asked him why and what did it mean. Dufus told me that
he liked to feel my body too. That it was normal for boys to play like that. It feels good,
and it’s ok. He told me he liked to play “ellie may clampit”. And he grabbed my crotch
really hard. I got hard almost instantly. He told me to come upstairs to his bedroom and
watch “Price is right”. I went. The door to his room was very old. He jammed a coat
hanger into the latch to lock it. He draped a dirty sock over the hole, so no one could see
into the room. He turned on TV. He said “I’ll show you something even more fun than
“ellie may clampit”. He asked to see my penis, to see if it was normal, and big like his. I
said ok. I took off my pants. He checked it out with his hands. He told me it’s more fun
to play with someone else’s penis than your own. He asked me if I’d ever played with
myself. I said no. He showed me how. He put a little spit in his hand, rubbed it on his
penis, and started to jerk off. Asked me to try it. I did. He offered and started to jerk me
off. He said my penis was too dry. Needed to be wetter. He started to suck me off. It
tickled. It hurt. It felt good. Back in the chair, i was getting a hard on. Kinda
embarrassing. But my eyes were closed, and my therapist is safe. I trust her. I could not
feel the pulses in my hands anymore. I figured she had turned them off cuz i was going
too fast. In reality, she had sped up the pulses, I was very very deep into my
subconscious mind. The “price is right” show ended at 3:30. Somehow, Dufus
remembered that I had to go serve at Mass for 4:00. He stopped, told me not to tell
anyone what he’d showed me, cuz it was just for us guys. I went off to church, with a
hardon. When igot to church, my priest perp was there, and he tired to jerk me off in the
sacristy of the church. By the time i got home, I was so horny, and my little 10 year old
penis was sore. And red. Bruised even. But no blood. So my therapist, now intervenes.
She tells me to go back there while the “price is right” is on. Go into the room, as ME,
grown up ME, and rescue the boy, the little Orodo. So off I go. Up the stairs. It’s dark.
Dufus’s sister is behind me. I get to the door. I knock. I yell. I ask “what is going on in
there. LET ME IN.” The boy and Dufus say “we’re just watching tv”. I hear shuffling,
and mumbling, like someone is in a hurry. I pound on the door. “LET ME IN”. I can’t
break down the door. Dufus’s sister says “i’ll get a screwdriver to open it” and she never
comes back. She is the same sister that almost caught him one time, but never did ask
the right questions. Finally, the door opens. The boy is sitting on the bed, hands on his
knees watching tv. Dufus is “cleanin his room”. I ask what the fuck is going on. Why is
the door locked if they are just watching Tv. “i dunno, just wanted to be left alone from
my sister” answers dufus. I tell dufus i will deal with him later. I take the little boy, and
bring him downstairs to the kitchen table. I ask him what happened, it’s ok to tell me, he
wont’ be punished, he can’t do any wrong in my book. He is silent. Nothing. He is
totally spaced out. Says nothing. I can’t get him to talk or come back to me. I feel so
helpless unable to help him. Therapist tells me to go back, and find an ally to help me
out with this little boy, cuz he really needs someone to talk to right now. And guess who
I found.......this was incredible.......Lightfang.

Lightfang, my hero, my brother, from NOMSV/Male Survivor. Thank God, Jesus and
Mary for Lightfang.

Lightfang showed up, as a 14 year old boy. And sat down beside me. LF told the little
boy, “no matter what happened up there, it’s ok. You didn’t ask for it, sure it might have
felt good, but that kind of stuff is usually for grown ups. You can say no. Don’t ever let
him touch you there again, your privates are yours and yours alone. You can tell me or
anyone about it, and you will be believed. Because he’s not nice, he’s the one who’ll be
punished. Don’t feel ashamed that it felt good. You are a good kid. “ LF then messed
up the little boy’s hair. He said” come outside and i’ll show you how to pass a football”
And off they went. Smiling. Holding hands. Brothers. Safe brothers. (I”M CRYing
again, just writing this............)

So therapist tells me to go back to the room upstairs. And bring some allies this time. So
i have LF, Dufus’s sister, my mom, my dad, my two sisters, and all the brothers from
NOMSV i’ve come to know. My therapists were there. My pastor from my church too.
I kick down the door with one blow. Dufus’s head is in the little boys’ crotch. For some
reason, i have a whip and a crowbar. I use the whip on Dufus’s ass. he rolls to the floor.
LF takes the little boy away. I whip Dufus’s ass again. and again and again. until it bleed
s. He rolls onto his back. I kick his balls up inside of him. Bash his head with the
crowbar. Now that he’s passed out, I tell him” you ever touch that boy again, and you
will suffer more than this.” And i threw his sorry bloody ass out the second floor
window.

Then my T said i needed to get safe again. I need to absorb and bring those qualities that
LF had demonstrated so much of with my little boy. The strength. The knowledge. The
right words. I need all that. For me, and for others. There are so many others. I am not
alone. So I tried to find LF’s strength, courage, healing, and make him my role model. I
could not find it. I didn’t want to take this gift that LF was offering to me. It was truly a
gift, with no reciprocity expected. But i could not accept it. So i went back. Back to a
dream. A dream that LF told me he had about us. I remembered the dream. LF was
trying to rescue his own little boy. His boy was deep in the water. Drowning. LF was
swimming deeper and deeper trying to save him. The LF boy was too far away. LF could
not breath. Now LF was in trouble. My hand reached out. I took LF’s hand. I pulled
him out of the water from so far down deep. LF boy was already in the canoe with me. I
had already saved him. And now i’d save LF. and lil’ Orodo appeared in the boat with
us. Imagine the scene in my mind. Me, LF, lil me, lil LF. All paddling away in the same
canoe. In the same direction. Healing. INCREDIBLY PEEACEFULL FEALING.

I cried alot. I am crying again. I suspect i’ll cry more. I have a long way to go. But this
EMDr made me realize. I am powerful. I am strong. I have what i Need. Iknow what i
need. I just need to do it. I can be stronger. I can be whomever I want. and i don’t need
to figure that out right now if i dont’ want to. It will come with time.

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#18226 - 11/07/02 02:49 AM Re: more EMDR for Orodo
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Orodo,

Thanks for sharing your EMDR experiences. I told my T on monday that I want to try EMDR and he is getting things aranged for me to start EMDR with another T in the clinic.

It sounds like the EMDR is helpful. I am anxious for my first session ...... but at the same
time scared. I was 26 when Dr. Laughlin and Ted raped me. And then Tom ( My boss ) tried
to rape me three years ago. It pisses me off so that Tom got away with it ( stalking me) by
declaring bankruptcy. He used bankruptcy to get away with trying to rape me. I am still
scared that he will come back and try again. He is in Phoenix right now ... but he can return
here at any time ... to hurt me again .... to rape me this time .... maybe even to kill me. I
know he is still out there. But until he actully does something there seems to be nothing that can be done. The Stalking laws are F***ed. He has to actually harm me before something can be done. He did grab me inapproapiately twice at work .... but nothing was done. When Iwas working for him he was in my apartment one day while I was at work. He has been in my house before and he could do it again. In my preparation for my EMDR my therapist told me to thing of a safe place. I told him I didn't think of my house or my yard as a safe place. I had forgotten about Tom being in my house. I don't feel safe right now. All the doors are locked and my dog is on the floor next to me ... but I don't feel safe.

I don't know if the me today can rescue the me of three years ago.

I think the me today can rescue the 26 year old me.

We shall see.

keep me posed on your EMDR Orodo.

And I will keep you posted on mine.

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#18227 - 11/07/02 02:21 PM Re: more EMDR for Orodo
Lightfang Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/00
Posts: 102
Loc: Minnesota
Orodo,
Thank you for sharing your EMDR experience, it is wonderful to see how things come together. I think it would be good to show others the dream that you mentioned in the recall of your EMDR. So here it is, edited a little from the original I wrote up last August.

Orodo,
I had a dream the other night, like I said it involved you.
I was paddling around my lake in my canoe when I saw a young man in the water having trouble. Started to paddle faster and faster and I couldn’t seem to reach him. Finally I dove into the water and searched and searched for him. I thought I saw him, down under the water, so I swam down after him. Deeper and deeper I went. Finally I felt my lungs hurting more and more. I couldn’t reach the top. No matter how hard I tried. Struggling more and more I tried to break through the surface, just to reach air once more that is all I wanted. Then like out of no where, I see a hand. I reach for it and it pulls me to safety. When I reached the surface, I see two young men sitting in my canoe. One of them asked me if I was all right and if I needed anymore help. The other just sat there, shivering in the cold and stared straight ahead, I could have sworn it was me at a very young age. I asked the first man,“who are you” and he answered “I am Orodo.” “How did you get here from Maine?” I asked with surprise. And you said, “I am here when you need me.”

Looking at the two of us, sitting in the cold with this third young boy, it felt so strange, as if this was a real memory and not a dream. I saw us as the same age, about 14 years old. It seemed so strange that I would see us at that age. It was at that age that my abuse started and at that age when I was so into swimming, I could swim 65 yards underwater in one breath, and at rest hold my breath for as long as 4.5 minutes. The young boy who you saved first left us somehow and we talked and shared our secrets. Then you said it was time for you to get ready for work and the next thing I knew my alarm was going off. It has been a long time since I had such a vivid dream. Thank you for bringing it out in me.
Orodo, you are my hero, my strength, my Brother.

Your Brother in Healing,

Lightfang

May God Bless us all.

_________________________
"Please love and protect all children, they are the future of us all!!"

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#18228 - 11/07/02 03:28 PM Re: more EMDR for Orodo
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I am still crying.

This post is very moving to me, in a good way. I am so happy for you to have found someone to rescue you, Orodo, to get you out of that room and to tell you the truth about your feelings and experiences.

Quote:
no matter what happened up there, it’s ok. You didn’t ask for it, sure it might have
felt good, but that kind of stuff is usually for grown ups. You can say no. Don’t ever let
him touch you there again, your privates are yours and yours alone. You can tell me or
anyone about it, and you will be believed. Because he’s not nice, he’s the one who’ll be
punished. Don’t feel ashamed that it felt good. You are a good kid. “ LF then messed
up the little boy’s hair. He said” come outside and i’ll show you how to pass a football”
And off they went. Smiling. Holding hands. Brothers. Safe brothers.


_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#18229 - 11/07/02 03:29 PM Re: more EMDR for Orodo
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I cried just copying and pasting that again. So strong and helpful, intelligent and simple. I am truly moved, I operated the damn post buttoin wrong I am so moved.

Thank you so much for sharing.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#18230 - 11/08/02 03:12 AM Re: more EMDR for Orodo
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Quote:
I am powerful. I am strong. I have what i Need. I know what i
need. I just need to do it. I can be stronger. I can be whomever I want. and i don’t need
to figure that out right now if i dont’ want to. It will come with time.


_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#18231 - 11/08/02 01:08 PM Re: more EMDR for Orodo
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
sometimes lifes mysteries amaze me, and this surely does.

Who cares what's going on ? If it has this result do it.

Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#18232 - 11/09/02 12:37 AM Re: more EMDR for Orodo
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Orodo

Thank you for sharing that. I am so glad for you that EMDR is helping. You are an amazing, strong and loving person. Your children are lucky to have you as their father.

Best wishes and continued prayers as your healing continues.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#18233 - 11/09/02 01:28 PM Re: more EMDR for Orodo
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
Orodo,
Again, posting this does so much for me. I cried at the last EMDR posting as well as with this one. Somehow the open detail becomes so universal and I see myself there doing this healing - Thanks

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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