how the fuck do i get him out of my head? alcohol is the only thing that drowns out his voice, its 10 am and im ready to get plastered because i cant stand it anymore

i wish i knew, Jesse. i was goofin around with my son, basically playing tag - when my father's voice resounded in my head - telling me what an idiot i was, how stupid i looked, and that i was going to trip over my own feet.

needless to say i did trip and fall - killed my arm ...

only thing that drowns that voice out for me is working on music. but eventually i have to lay down for sleep - or do something else - and there he is again.

i wish i had an answer for you, Jesse. cuz then i'd have an answer for myself.

Jesse (and Mark),

I understand how you feel, and to be honest, when I was your age I was finding the same "solution" you are using. I drank and got high not to have fun, but to escape and numb out. You are searching through the tools you have and this is one that seems to work.

The problem is, as you already know, that eventually the binge is over and it's the next day. And how do we feel? Not better, but worse. So this starts the cycle all over again. That's what "acting out" is - a cycle of self-defeating actions that seem to help at the moment, or seem to be the only thing we can do, but in fact just set us up for the next round.

Mark, I think you actually have a good suggestion for Jesse right there in your post where you talk about music. One thing we can do is try to get more self-affirming and positive activities in our lives. I know it's difficult, because if you've spent years numbing out it's rough trying to break out of that pattern. It's like the mouse running on the wheel in it's cage, doing that because, well, that's what a mouse in a cage does. You open the door to the cage and what does the mouse do? He peeks out and then goes back to his wheel and does what he knows.

I think anything creative is a big help for any effort to break patterns like this. If we are concentrating on doing something creative that helps us feel better about "being me" and keeps us focused on positive things. We can see that today we are doing something we couldn't do a month ago - creativity gets to be its own reward.

For me it was music, which I had loved since childhood anyway. But anything else is also possible: writing, painting, drawing, writing poetry, whatever.

Or how about sports and physical things like swimming, diving, gymnastics, judo, karate, boxing - again, anything that interests you and allows you to see yourself progressing in your abilities.

These aren't the answer, though; they are just strategies for keeping away from that feeling of being so totally lost and helpless that we just want to freak out and do anything at all. The real answer lies in seeking the help we need and committing to recovery, so we're really talking about a long-term task.

But however we decide to face this mess the first step has to be talking about it. So what you guys are doing is already a positive step and I hope you will both continue. Just remember you have a LOT of guys here who understand what you are up against and are facing the same problems.

Much love,
Larry

well, the verdict is in - rather, the x-rays are in. seems i fractured the end of the humerus (which, by the way, is NOT humorous...)

it's like somebody repeatedly banging your funny bone with a hammer.

thank goodness for pain pillssssssssssssss.

REALLY have to stop listening to that voice!

M