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#182297 - 09/25/07 01:45 PM Can you share?
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Survivors & partners,

I was hoping you all might be kind enough to share your insight on these subjects. These are things that could be very helpful to someone who has just begun to deal with their or their partners CSA issues. After talking to some newbies on here (myself included, of course), I thought it would be helpful to have it all in one post.

1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?


Feel free to add other questions that would be helpful.

Thanks,
V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#182298 - 09/25/07 01:54 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: violet]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Violet -

1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

That I am not alone. I did not think I would be able to share how I felt with anybody. But I met men and women in group that felt the same way I did! Imagine that - I was not alone. I was not a freak, a monster, or a pervert - just a really f^%@ed up guy.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

I had memories of what happened 35 years ago. During that 35 years I cut myself and when my perp died 14 years ago (my older brother) I started to act out sexually - completly disassociated all the time. I also worked like a demon and became a CFO - and everything had better be perfect. And it all came crashing down the end of February this year when the world literly fell apart. I checked into an inpatient facility and spent 6 weeks trying to understand why I was "crazy".

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

That once you face it and talk about it, you can get over it. It continues to haunt me - yes I have better coping skills - but the issues are still there.

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?

That would be my wife. She has been so strong - but also tough. She forced me to face my problems and understands that she can't fix me. She does listen, loves, and sometimes crys with me but is always clear that recovery is a choice that I have to make - and she and the kids will only support me in recovery. But she also makes it clear that she will always love me.



Edited by kellygtx (09/25/07 02:04 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#182319 - 09/25/07 05:10 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: kellygtx]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Dear Violet,
I am a partner of a man that suffered abuse as a boy.
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?
I agree, that I am not alone. and the knowledge that men, women, couples, DO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?
The negative spiral that my BF was experiencing. i couldn't be my positive self anymore, I was drained and of no help to anyone.
I tried to talk to him but he was just "Not in the moment" if you know what I mean. So I made the decision to move out. Not to leave him, but just the daily situation.
I miss him and am in panic over his state of mind, but i am not unable to catch my breath anymore.

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA
That only the abused person is the victim. Everyone that truley loves that person is so deeply affected and it mirrors the exact emotions that the abused felt as a child. Survivors do not "know" it as their own pain is so overwhelming. The only difference is the partners ability to physically walk away. (of course your head and heart are still with the survivor)The lonliness and pain go with you wherever you are and anything can trigger it's wave. You know you want to(and should) be able to let it go, but it's all encompassing. With help and the honesty of the folks here (and a good T) you can learn to ease any pain.
It just is not a path easy to walk alone. But the first step must always be ones own.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#182323 - 09/25/07 05:35 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: kellygtx]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

As Kelly said that I was not alone. I was not the only male to be abused. I was not alone in things I did as a result of being abused.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

I just got feed up with myself and my dangerous Behavior.


3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

Don't know may have to think on that one a while.


4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?


Create a safe place to be able to talk about our abuse. A place that is calm and where there will be no judgments or guesses made. A place where we know that it will not change how someone else thinks of us when we share our nightmares. We also need to know that our pain will not hurt those we share it with. most importantly trust that we will not be pushed to talk about what happened(a little nudge to keep us moving in the right direction is ok.) Trust that who we talk to won't rush ahead and tell others before we are ready to tell them ourselves.

I'm sure others will chime in and add to the list but this is what came to my mind and wanted to add to Kelly's thoughts.

Brokensoul


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#182328 - 09/25/07 05:52 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: brokensoul]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Dear Brokensoul,
THANK YOU SO MUCH for #4. It's so hard being the partner cause we are afraid to add to the pain. Thank you for making it clear.
((HUG))
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#182944 - 09/27/07 08:06 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: violet]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Hi, V.

Quote:
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

That I am strong enough to do this.
That there are good people who care.

Quote:
2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

I confirmed my ex-wife was in an affair, and I still don't know to this day why I decided then to disclose to her. When I talked her into marriage counseling, she told the counselor and I was on my way.

When my sister told me that a perp whom my parents and all my siblings knew was working at a home for boys, I wrote to the police.

Quote:
3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

All Lies....

Quote:
4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?

I don't. My ex-wife wasn't willing or even able to help. Her childhood was worse than mine, and she's still running from it.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#182970 - 09/27/07 08:58 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: outis]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Thank you all for sharing. I hope we get even more responses.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#183022 - 09/28/07 12:16 AM Re: Can you share? *DELETED* [Re: violet]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Post deleted by ttoon

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#183031 - 09/28/07 01:19 AM Re: Can you share? [Re: ttoon]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i can only answer#3 THE BIGGEST LIE IS THAT BOYS THAT GET ABUSED BECOME ABUSERS. thats the biggest lie ever ,second is a perp saying he was abused and abuse made him a perp shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#183044 - 09/28/07 01:55 AM Re: Can you share? [Re: violet]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: violet
.
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?


That there is a difference between love and abuse.

Quote:
2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?


There were several issues, but the most important was that I needed to protect my nephew from my mother, the lady who abused me.

Quote:
3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?


Oh, there are several. The one that infuriates me the most, though, is the one that states that if a boy enjoys being sexually abused, then it really isn't abuse. Yes, I enjoyed my abuse. Yes, it seriously messed me up.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#183136 - 09/28/07 11:18 AM Re: Can you share? [Re: BJK]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Thought I'd try to answer this as well.

1. The things a child does to survive the abuse aren't wrong- they did what they had to to get through it.

2. Caught in deceptive behavior, came clean to try to save relationship.

3. You aren't worth it, whether that means to be listened to, to recover from, or to escape from the abuse.

4. -

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#183555 - 09/30/07 01:42 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: violet]
sunshine70 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 51
Loc: florida
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?
That helping someone through this type of abuse can be really rewarding. Just knowing you are there and doing your best. I learned too that I never want to stop learning so that I can know what to do to understand my boyfriend more.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?
Yes my boyfriend. I wanted to learn about him and help him and I still do. That no one can ever be healed and I never expect that. But through all of this I learned you can become closer and more connected by learning together and sharing.

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?
I dont know if i ever read anythign that was a lie. But i believe that no one deserves to be abused in any way and at any age.

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?


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#183567 - 09/30/07 03:19 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: BJK]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

People are inherently evil.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder took me over. I had no choice but to deal with it. I was being flooded by flashbacks.

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?


"You liked it....so its your fault too."
"You got good at it....so its really your fault now."
"Hey...you came back for more...we've got nothing to do with this...its all on you now."


4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?

Read the books about CSA. The books will give such great insight so that the wheel does not need to be re-invented.

5. What is the most harsh discovery post-disclosure?

I'm not the husband that I thought I was.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#183579 - 09/30/07 04:29 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: Still]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

The mind is an amazing mechanism that can withstand a tremendous amount without "breaking" altogether.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

Nowhere left to run. Tired of hiding. Would've preferred death to living in denial any longer.

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

that society has any real interest in recognizing it and dealing with it. that talking to kids about good touch, bad touch, the bathing suit zone, etc. is really going to help.

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?

understand that they are getting into something very, very difficult. that it is going to take a huge amount of patience and work on their part, etc. read. take care of themself. have clear boundaries. be willing to leave for themself if they have to. understand that i am not crazy but sure do have some major issues that are going to compromise our relationship at times. love me anyways.

5. What is the most harsh discovery post-disclosure?

most people are completely ignorant of CSA. its prevalence, effects etc. that disclosure marks the beginning of the really hard work. that once you tell you can never go back. etc. oh and of course the biggest one -- sometimes perps just lie. and their is a powerful network that will bolster them -- ie capturing the friedmans, the false memory foundation, etc. there really is a mindset that thinks survivors are relishing in "victimhood."



Edited by testingWaters (09/30/07 04:34 PM)

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#183581 - 09/30/07 04:40 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: violet]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Quote:

1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?


That all the lies I was told are not true. I am NOT worthless, I am NOT good for only one thing, and I am NOT weak and pussified.

Quote:

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?


Yes, as much as I tried to run from the past, it was always able to run a little bit faster than I could. I was 43 years old before I finally understood that I was never going to be able to outrun it, never going to be able to live in denial the rest of my life, and that I was finally going to have to confront the past instead of trying to ignore it.

Quote:

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?


That it didn't matter.

Quote:

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?


Listen, and finally, for once in my life, be someone who understands and is someone I feel like is on my side in life.


Thanks for asking, V. It means a lot.

_________________________
Eddie

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#183587 - 09/30/07 05:21 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: EGL]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
hey egl -- your MLK quote is so great. wanted to point it out at some point and it fits really well with this thread. TW


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#183589 - 09/30/07 05:27 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: BJK]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

i am not surviving. i am living. this is just how my life is taking shape. but anyway.. on to the question. i think the most important thing is that i am one tough mofo. that i basically can handle what ever happens in my life. maybe not always handle it well, but i can handle it at least. ive also discovered how connected things are. if one thing sucks in your life its connected to something else.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

i stumbled upon it. i went to a shrink for a completely different reason and just mentioned the abuse casually. i didnt even call it abuse at the time.

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

ohh.. everyones going to hate me. but i think the biggest lie for me is that its always a bad thing. for me, it did a lot of good as well. it made me a really strong person. i doubt that i would be this strong had it not happened.

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?

give me space. the guy i was with when i started all this was great. he wanted to help and all that but he also knew that this was my battle not his. and he gave me the room i needed, but always had an open invitation if i wanted to talk about it.


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#183596 - 09/30/07 05:45 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: Jarrad]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

I'm not alone. and it wasnt my fault.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

i was extremely depressed and wanted to change my life around.

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

Once you talk about it, the pain goes away. it dose get easier but it still sucks.

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?

I would say just listen. i think having some one to listen to you is helps so very much.


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#183644 - 09/30/07 09:50 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: Jarrad]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
I Like your outlook... GOOD FOR YOU !!!!


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#184181 - 10/02/07 06:49 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: ptsdwife]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Violet:

Girl, Thank you for starting this thread...I was at my T yesterday and I'm sort of in a little rut right now. I think it's time for my partner and I to head to a couples session it's been a few months now he's been 1 on 1 with the T. I'm lost, I don't know where he is, therefore I don't know if I'm doing to much or to little all of that. This post was really helpful and I'm going to cut and paste a few of everyone's answers to help me convey to my bf what I need to know and also how to talk to him too. Sorry if it makes no sense I know what I mean and that's what counts, right?

THANK YOU ALL THOUGH!

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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