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#182161 - 09/24/07 09:39 PM he says he's willing to do outpatient
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
My husband says that he "doesn't want to be this way" and that he's willing to "try it my way" and stop drinking and go for outpatient therapy for the alcohol.

I have many feelings about this - but what surprised me that most is that it threw me into a panic. He has a LONG road to recovery, if he in fact goes through with it AND he has alot of damage to repair. I've come way too far to even think about trying to rebuild our marriage until he is well into recovery.

What scares me the most is that I'm not in love with the man that he is today and I don't know that I will ever want to be with him again. I feel a small sense of responsiblity to support him in his recovery but I'm worried about sending any wrong signals that there is any guarantee that we will ultimately end up being together.

I like being my own person and having only to depend on me and not worry about someone else's issues. I'll never go back to what our marriage had become.

I'm afraid that he's doing this only to be back with me and our sons and to be a family again, and not because he's sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I don't ever want to get lost in him again - or any other person for that matter.

Any thoughts are appreciated!!!!!!!

Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#182162 - 09/24/07 09:44 PM Re: he says he's willing to do outpatient [Re: savemyfam]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Dear Angie,
((((HUG)))
Do what your heart tells you is right for you. One of the survivors told me, "take care of you first" and let him prove his intentions. Time has a way of making someone very apparent.
Take a deep breath and focus on you and your family. Chances ARE hard, but they are yours to take or not.
Either way, we are all here for you.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#182165 - 09/24/07 09:53 PM Re: he says he's willing to do outpatient [Re: mmac]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks mmac!!!

The hug was most appreciated!!!

He was such a good man, but I mourned his death 2 years ago. Our marriage was very simple and family oriented - it can never be simple again. He has alot of work to do, but he's not very strong and I don't know that he can do it. And I cannot and will not do any of the work for him.

Thanks for your support!
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#182166 - 09/24/07 09:57 PM Re: he says he's willing to do outpatient [Re: savemyfam]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
((((Angie)))))


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#182167 - 09/24/07 10:00 PM Re: he says he's willing to do outpatient [Re: healingpartner]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
... angie, all you can do is what you think is best for you and for your kids ... you don't know what the future holds ... but you do know you're strong enough to handle whatever comes along ...

hugs

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#182172 - 09/24/07 10:41 PM Re: he says he's willing to do outpatient [Re: selene]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Angie,

alcoholism changes personalities so much... no wonder you feel you don't love the man he is today.

i'm sorry this is bittersweet news today. why oh why not years ago, right?

but if he's serious about it and sticks with it and cleans his life up, that's a good thing...

whether you are together or not.

i hope he is able to follow through- even for no other reason than to set an example for your kids....

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#182184 - 09/24/07 11:11 PM Re: he says he's willing to do outpatient [Re: violet]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
Hi violet i thought you'd be here and sure enough you are anyway i'm so thankful there are people left out there who give a shit how others are feeling and the other day i felt wanted because you went out of your way to see how i was doing and that was so nice.

God bless you and if you're up for it pm me perhaps we can chat...

Rich

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#182186 - 09/24/07 11:15 PM Re: he says he's willing to do outpatient [Re: savemyfam]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
angie i can only speak from my own experiences and that is i'm in recovery from alcoholism(day at a time over 5 years thank you god) however if he truly wants the help to become "whole" again then he must get sober and deal with his stuff for him and no one else otherwise the emotional pain only gets worse.


I wish you nothing but the best however in the meantime PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE look out for you and take care of you in any way you know how otherwise things can become real scarey.

God bless you ...


Coopstah

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#182241 - 09/25/07 07:14 AM Re: he says he's willing to do outpatient [Re: thecoopstah]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thank you all!!

The most important people in all of this is my children and I hope he does get clean for his sake and for them.

He spent many years blaming me for his unhappiness, still does today - I never believed it, but you sure get sick of hearing it. I guess I don't want to let him into my life even a little so that I don't have to deal with the same old same old. If I support him in taking steps to recovery, then I have to let him in and I'll have to be a part of his life and I don't think I'm ready for that. I don't trust him - I trusted him too many times and was made a chump of.

I feel very little compassion for this man, I'm sure because of what he's put me and my son's through - how can I feel supportive and I sure don't feel loving towards him.

Coop - I'm so glad that you beat the demon, I see how hard that is. I agree that he has to want to get sober and that is only the first step in his recovery, he has so much more to face. I'm afraid that he's not doing it for himself, like the twenty or so times that he told me that he was done with the drinking these last couple of years.

Thank you all for your support - I know that I'm not responsible for his happiness, only he is - but he still doesn't know that and that's why he needs to be in AA to reprogram his thinking of all these years, but he doesn't "believe" in AA - that's one of his problems, it has worked for millions of people but in his mind it won't work for him.

I'm rambling, but I think in my ramblings I figured out why this has thrown me into a panic. Thanks again everyone for the support!! Your all the best!!

Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#182250 - 09/25/07 08:52 AM Re: he says he's willing to do outpatient [Re: savemyfam]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Angie:

My goodness, going for out patient therapy and to stop drinking...that's a shock, huh? I think you are very wise to have apprehensions regarding this considering your past experiences with him. Isn't there a saying that actions speak louder than words? What I mean is that talk only goes so far, but to actually take action...well...

When you said: "I like being my own person and having only to depend on me and not worry about someone else's issues. I'll never go back to what our marriage had become."
This statement shows great strength and independence! It also is clear that you have grown and moved forward to be your own person. I can truly understand how you feel in this. ON one hand you want to encourage and support him, on the other...he could become an anchor with his issues pulling your boat back down along with his.
I sense from your posts and pm's that you are strong enough to find the proper balance in this. You know that nagging voice inside of your head? Listen to it and I believe you'll be just fine in figuring out what is best for you and your children.
Sending you my support and positive energy...
S-n-S
p.s. How's the weather on your end of the city?

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#182256 - 09/25/07 09:29 AM Re: he says he's willing to do outpatient [Re: sweet-n-sour]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Hi SnS!

Your right, I will find the balance in this although right now I kind of resent that he choose right this minute to throw a monkey wrench into my life. I have far too much going on that I need to concentrate on to worry about him - but I guess this is his thing and not mine so I can't be sidetracked by him. Therefore he'll have to be strong and do it on his own which is how it needs to be.

Thanks for your support and positive energy - I really do appreciate it.

The weather on my end is hot, muggy and gloomy!!! Good day to crawl into bed, can't do it of course but it would be nice!!!!

XOXOXOX
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#182266 - 09/25/07 10:19 AM Re: he says he's willing to do outpatient [Re: savemyfam]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Angie,

I don't blame you for doubting his intentions; you've certainly been burned before. You're doing well, for yourself and your sons so just keep on doing it and be proud of yourself for it! Your husband's success or lack of it is up to him to figure out. I hope he'll see your support as something you're doing for him as another human being and for your sons because they are entitled to a father who has himself together, not because you want him back in your life.

It may be true that he's doing this for ulterior motives, but keep in mind that even if he's seeking recovery for the wrong reasons, things might work out to his benefit anyway. Sometimes we learn stuff and adopt new ways of thinking and behaving even if we aren't trying.

I wish you the best Angie.

ROCK ON..............Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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