People have asked why I feel the need to cut myself. So I thought perhaps now would be a good time to explain. I do not cut because I want to die; in fact I am not suicidal. I cut, for several reasons. To relieve the pain and shame I feel inside. To remind myself that I am still alive when I am feeling numb. To punish myself for wrongs I feel I have done. Perhaps, I cut, because the physical pain is better than the emotional overload.

Sometimes the pain I am feeling, the emotions are so great that my mind goes on overload and all I can think about is ending it (the pain that is). Dealing with it is more difficult, so I take razor to flash and watch as the emotional pain drains away. The razor slices small thin cuts that sting and bleed by drips. Sometimes the numb feeling comes back while cutting - and I end up doing it again...and the cycle starts.

Need a reason...

I was raped...cut

I "liked" it...cut

I acted out...cut

I am married...cut

I hate myself...cut

What would the kids think...cut


Sometimes when I argue with my wife or feel she has rejected me or fail at work I am feeling so shocked inside that I know I must punish myself. Only then will I be able to go on. I know it’s a cop-out sometimes instead of actually dealing with my issues, but I have been using the cutting as a coping mechanism for more than 35 years.

It has been over 9 months since I have cut the last time. But the want to cut is still there. Whenever I get upset and want to harm myself, I have learned to breathe in, breathe out, and move on.

Kelly,

Those are all the classic reasons for cutting and you're so right, cutters don't do this because they want to die. They do it because they are trying to cope.

I wish you all the best in your efforts to stay away from this. Well done for the 9 months so far! If you feel tempted, can I suggest that you talk about it before the temptation becomes overwhelming?

I so recognize what you are talking about when you say that the "want to cut" is still there. For me the demon is hard drugs, and can you believe it, after 32 years clean that shit still calls to me? I did get used to it, though, and each day clean is another reason to keep going. Hang in there.

Much love,
Larry

Larry -

Thanks so much! 32 years - I hope to hell I am not tempted for 32 years!! But I can't worry about that - it's just one day at a time, sometimes 1 minute at a time.

I posted this because I just wanted to. Those that asked me why I cut myself (wife, sisters, etc.) will never read this, so I don't really know why I put it here. I had to put it somewhere - and I don't like talking about it - it is easier to write then to talk.

Kelly,

I think it is wonderful that you have 9 months clean from the cutting. Congratulations!

I absolutely understand that need to cut and go to that place outside of yourself. Been there, done that, almost died in the process. However, I did survive by the grace of God.

The CSA issues in connection with any stressor = a reason to cut. You're right, it is time to move on. Good for you.

God bless,
John, The Music Man.