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#182068 - 09/24/07 12:06 PM feeling helpless part 2
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
Hi sweetie,

I first need to breathe and THINK about how i am supposed to absorb all this crap others are either saying to you,saying things about me to you,and it's unfair for sandy to even think for a minute i could ever put my hands on you in violence you and i both know what happened with your eye i mean afterall did sandy not say she didn't believe it for a minute i'd do this because "i'm so not this way and i'm the last person to in the world who could do this",it's even rediculous to think i could ever hurt max therefore grab him by his throat that's bullshit in any way shape or form afterall he loves me although i dont have to tell you this as i love him as well.

Not for a second am i going to believe,and i sure hope you don't believe it either,that all i want in my life is you and no one else(or choose it to be this way or thereabouts) you're entitled to your freedom therefore who am i to tell you otherwise according to sandy and granted there are not alot of people in my life however there are not alot of people in her life either.This is not my fault,i'm working on my issues,as you know,i can promise you i will NEVER AGAIN say anything remotely close to burning down catholic churches, throwing people in chippers and any off color statements and when others hear this i can understand they can be put off by it

.No one has any idea,even you, although you damn sure show your compassion,love and understanding of my past and the anger as a result of my past as to how i feel so damaged and filled with terror and sadness but i guess it's not important to anyone who can think i'd ever hurt you in any way or what i go through i'd never put my hands on you in violence and i hope sandy influence is not causing you to have second thoughts.

I'm not built that way i also realize that sandy is jealous and i am sorry (only) for the way you are feeling.I can honestly tell you honey i left your work this morning and i went over in my head alot of stuff about how i knew she said something to you,or told you something...ie not going to the wedding and as we've talked about this before i want whatever you want when it comes to our wedding( and i so hope we'll still have one) and the guests who attend.

Why,why why is it that i feel as though i am again the bad guy,the one who is essentially wrong for being who i am and trying to deal with so much of my past and yet still i feel awful.


It's so unfair for people to make comments like they do yet i virtually have no right to (a speak up for myself or you for that matter ( b why is it "IF" i did in fact grab max by his throat did treasa tell sandy whereas max is your dog therefore go directly to you not to mention wait so long to say anything at all.

This is so unfair to, for others to pull you into their stuff and point the finger at me because it's easier to take the focus off me instead of looking at themsleves.This is unimportant to me and you're the only one who matters most to me furthermore why is sandy worrying about who is in my life or not.

If you can see the big picture(and i know you can) sandy is jealous and i will not own her misdierected anger and jealousy because she's choosing to acting this way.



Finally sweetie i hope from the bottom of my heart you're not having second thoughts about our life together as a result of someone who expects you to entertain them any more because you now have a life.I'd like to ask you what else she did say because i know none of it applies,although it could, i won't get mad because i am over getting mad with what she says and she's only acting this way for no other reason then she does not have you at her beck and call yet pointing at me as the one who cause ALL THIS DRAMA.

However the most important concern i have about us and how others think means nothing although support for you from others is special,sweeite people don't have any right (unless of course) it's out of concern,to question our life together and i also mentioned to you that i understand she''s your aunt but why is she acting this way and if you want her at the wedding then she is invited but if my speaking up for you to the very person who says you're like a daughter to her yet says the things she does then tell you she is not going to our wedding, is it so wrong for me to speak up for you in a way that talks about how I FEEL and nothing more then i guess it is what it is.

I am sorry you're caught in the middle of all this and as i mentioned to you before i will not apoligize because of being true to myself therefore if she's upset about the letter i mailed to her then i guess she needs to take a look at why she's upset instead of what i am to her,what i have never done to her.Does she think she can say things whenever she wants with a comeplete diregard of who it effects then i have no control over that and i'm not going to allow others to disrespect you obviously she's not used to people speaking up to her.


I never disrespected her and if that's how she feels about the letter and the result is she's decided to not attend our wedding then i once again have no control over that.

She needs to take a look at her issues and her reasons into why all of a sudden now that someone is speaking up to her, how it bothers her and she's upset when this happens well i'm not going to own that.


This is wrong unfair,hurtful and most of all pretty bad that i'm being bad mouthed because of who i am and the person you fell in love with because my love for you and our life together yet the things that have transpired over the last 4-5 months then i guess it's not my call asfar as people in your life who push themselves on you in that have so much to say yet unable to look at their stuff.

I love you baby with every fiber of my being and as we all know no one is unfaliable and my hope,my wish,and most of all my concern is we can get through this because nothing in our relationship from outside sources should cloud our judgement because they can'nt see our happiness.


Coopstah

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#182254 - 09/25/07 09:08 AM Re: feeling helpless part 2 [Re: thecoopstah]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Coop:

You did a wonderful job of presenting yourself and your feelings. I hope L understands that it matters not what anyone else thinks, says or does...the relationship that you have together is far stronger than all of the stuff thrown at you.

Take care Coop!

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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