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#182093 - 09/24/07 02:44 PM Re: unanswered questions - trigger [Re: testingWaters]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
tw, i guess its good when something good comes out of something bad so even tho all that bullshit i wrote was digusting, if it helped you feel not so alone in this, then good, im glad.
hey, your father sucks and i cant believe you could try to forgive him, youre a way better man then him and youre a better man then me because i dont think i could ever forgive him or give him a chance to try and make things right. things have gone so terribly wrong between us theres just no way, he could try for the rest of his life and not be able to make up for anything he ever did to me. i dont know about denying it, last time i got close enough to the surface with my father he made it crystal clear to me that he not only enjoyed what he did but that he was right in doing it, to this day he still really believes that everything he done to me was for my own good and he was just trying to teach me to be strong, be a man. he also made it very clear that if given the chance he'd come after me again, not that he'd have a chance in hell at this point but it's always in the back of my mind, always watching my back ya know? about your post, just post whatevers on your mind, i wasnt able to do this a couple of months ago either and look at me know blah, blah, blah... the amount of bullshit thats coming out of me now is just endless, but no one here seems to mind and everyone seems to care so. if i can do it then you can too.

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#182267 - 09/25/07 10:23 AM Re: unanswered questions - trigger [Re: testingWaters]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse (and you too TW),

Originally Posted By: jessedawg
all i really know is theres nothing i can ever do that'll make him proud of me


That's a terrible truth to have to admit, but I think you are right to put it out there. It doesn't help us to cling to fantasies; we have to deal with the world the way it is and people the way they are - however bad that may be.

What you are talking about sucks bigtime, no doubt about it, but make sure you understand that the way your father thinks and the way he has treated you do NOT reflect on you. They tell us only about him.

Remember that all boys are special, important and worth loving, including you as a boy and you now as Jesse the young adult firefighter. If those at the center of your life won't or can't acknowledge that, it's their fault and has nothing to do with you. I know it's not an easy task, but try not to allow your father's fucked-up thinking and behavior to poison the way you yourself think and act. Sometimes what we have to do is just walk away and let go, not because we want to, but because that's the only way to deal with a totally toxic person.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#182270 - 09/25/07 10:30 AM Re: unanswered questions - trigger [Re: roadrunner]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
TW,

I've been really restricted in the time I have been able to get onto the site for the past week or so, so I haven't seen that other post you talk about. I will have a look at it tomorrow once I am back in the UK.

But I did want to speak to you personally and assure you that everything I am saying to Jesse applies to you as well. It took incredible strength for you to confront your father but at the same time open the possibility of reconciliation with him.

His decision to reject your offer doesn't surprise me, though. Abusers are bullies and cowards who pick on those smaller and weaker than they are. Now that you are no longer small or weak he can see he's in deep shit, so he takes the coward's way out - denying everything.

Just remember that this reflects on him, not you. You deserved to have your offer considered and appreciated, just as you deserved to haven a real and loving father. The fact that it hasn't worked out this way doesn't make you a terrible person and never will.

Don't worry about the cursing, bro. When you need to let it all hang out, this is the place to do it. ;\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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