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#182029 - 09/24/07 09:35 AM sorry and wtf
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
first, sorry if i did or said anything stupid last Friday, i had too much to drink and don't remember much, if i offended anyone, sorry.

second, its really starting to piss me off that everyone i work with, everyone in this fucking ff community just thinks the world of my father. its not anyones fault because they dont know the truth, they wonder why i avoid him and wont comment on him or his years of service. they think hes some big fucking hero, give him all the respect in the world when he stops by. one of the guys was talking about him the other night and i made a comment kind of under my breath but loud enough for him to hear, something like "yea hes a great guy just keep your kids away from him" he wanted to know what i meant by that but i wouldnt explain, just told him it was nothing, its a long story, etc. i dont know how much longer i can do this. i dont want to cover up for him anymore.

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#182271 - 09/25/07 10:34 AM Re: sorry and wtf [Re: jessedawg]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Don't cover up for him anymore Jesse....stand up for yourself.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#182277 - 09/25/07 11:34 AM Re: sorry and wtf [Re: pain4ever]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

I know this is hard, but think it over with the aim of reaching the decision that's best for you in terms of how you feel about things right now. It may feel great at the moment to expose him and tell the world what he is, but remember that right now you control your information and you decide who knows what. Once you disclose, that's it. The cat is out of the bag and you have no control over where it will run.

There are ways of dealing with this problem that don't require you to disclose, if you feel you're not ready for that yet. One thing you can do is this: The next time his name comes up you can tell the other guys that you and he don't get along and you would appreciate it if they could just leave the topic alone. You can even say something like this: "Even a monster can look innocent in public." You don't have to make references to would lead them straight to the conclusion that he abused you.

My concern for you here is in two directions. The first is that I wonder if you are strong enough yet to handle disclosure. It's a real challenge, man, and something you shouldn't decide on without a LOT of thought. The second is that if the word gets out that you are saying he abused you, your father will almost certainly deny it. That makes one of you a liar, and guess who that will be?

When I talk about strength here, Jesse, please don't think I see you as weak. That's not what I mean at all, and in fact I think you've made amazing progress in the last 2 months since you came here. What I mean is that we should always be thinking in terms of doing things that we are ready to handle. It's sometimes tempting to charge the bull and figure the hell with it, but at the end of the day it's the small, safe and secure steps that really last and help us.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#182287 - 09/25/07 12:54 PM Re: sorry and wtf [Re: roadrunner]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
People are sometimes afraid of the truth . Most people have two sides to there personality , and only let out the side that they want someone to see . If you were to tell the dark side of your father to the other fire fighters. They most likely would not believe it . Because they have not seen that personality
But you know the truth . that the world is a fucked up place . and you must be careful of who you trust

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#182309 - 09/25/07 03:45 PM Re: sorry and wtf [Re: OKIE MIKE]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, Jesse --

Here's what I'm thinking --

1) These guys really don't know the buttons they're pushing in you. They think your father's a great guy, and are honestly trying to pay you a complement by praising your family to you as you join them. It's hard, but can you hear the good intentions, apart from what those words mean to you? They're not praising an abuser because they don't know he's an abuser.

2) Your choice--keep up the myths or tell the story? No advice there, but whatever choice you make, do it for you. Tell the story if and when it feels right for you. You don't have an obligation to hurt yourself to set the record straight. On the other hand, you don't have an obligation to keep his myth alive. The only question is what will help your life.


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#182311 - 09/25/07 03:55 PM Re: sorry and wtf [Re: MemoryVault]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
jesse,
in my opinion, the one thing you DON'T owe him is protection from what he did and who he REALLY is...

not the fake person he is with others...i watched my dad do that my whole life..."your dad is such a good father for raising three kids all by himself", "look at how well behaved you kids are, what a good dad he is"....

all the while he is beating us and having sex with us...

buzz


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#182312 - 09/25/07 04:03 PM Re: sorry and wtf [Re: buzz_key]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11183
Loc: Denver, CO
Jesse,

I bought my parents' house back in 2K. As a result, I inherited their mail carrier. She is a great gal, and we chat once in a while. About a year or so ago, she stopped at my mailbox and decided to tell me how great my mother was. I'd had enough, and said "Yeah.....she was abusive when I was growing up." Her tone changed, she felt bad, but then shared how her father was to her and her siblings. So, she was real understanding, even though I took a risk. But like I said, I'd had enough of this fakery that was my mother's image.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#183085 - 09/28/07 08:05 AM Re: sorry and wtf [Re: FormerTexan]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
yea i understand that these guys dont know about the abuse so when they say good things about him theyre doing it to make me feel good about being his kid, they dont have any idea how it really makes me feel and its not like im mad at them, im just mad in general so anyone who says anything that hits close to home is going to piss me off. anyway, i dont want to protect him or hide who he really is but at the same time its none of their business either and yea i have to protect myself and think about my own feelings. a day at a time i guess
thanks guys

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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