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#181950 - 09/23/07 09:35 PM Shame Spiral/Finding Out Who Did This
toomscuz Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/31/07
Posts: 16
Hey Everyone,

Just wanted to say I've been on a shame spiral the last few days do to the fact that most of my family feel like I'm obsessing over trying to discover my memories and who did this to me. It's because for me I need someone to put all the shame I'm feeling now in my life and hating myself for some disturbing thoughts I have. Could someone please try to tell me ways I can help my family understand that for me this is the most important thing right now. I lived in secret for 20 years having an idea that I might have been abused but never was able to fully investigate it so now that people know I feel more free. I've used all these ways of discribing it to them and they still can't understand. So please help me make them understand if you can.

Luke


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#181965 - 09/23/07 09:59 PM Re: Shame Spiral/Finding Out Who Did This [Re: toomscuz]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Luke,

I don't know any ways to get your family to understand. Families can be the most difficult sometimes, I'm finding.

Are they supportive, even if they don't understand? If they support you finding out the truth - that is SO huge.

M


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#181967 - 09/23/07 10:06 PM Re: Shame Spiral/Finding Out Who Did This [Re: MarkK]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi Luke,

I've been down this road myself. At times, my family has been supportive. At other times, they've wondered if I was okay. And my shame cycle wasn't helped by the fact that my first counselor forced me to disclose to them before I was really ready. Yes, I was ready to tell them. No, I wasn't ready to deal with the fallout I knew would come (and I'm not sure that it helped them to know what little I knew at that time).
And sometimes you get that look that says, 'Okay, we've been through this before. Do you have to bring it up again?' Funny thing is, there has been a time or two I've stopped Mom from probing, because I didn't want to talk about things with her. Always been a trust issue there. Anyway, only do what you're comfortable with.

Ed


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#181971 - 09/23/07 10:29 PM Re: Shame Spiral/Finding Out Who Did This [Re: copenbay]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
In my experience, you're treading in very dangerous water. Especially if family members abused you. Get support elsewhere if you can. Ideally with a good therapist.

As for obsessing and trying to discover memories and identify people -- I can only say that in my experiences, if you were abused, regardless of how you have tried not to remember, you already have the answers you are looking for somewhere in yourself and it'll come to the surface when it is ready. IOW you can't discover what you already know.

For me obsessing has often been a way to hold the pain at bay. It doesn't work.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so very painful and so very difficult. Feel free to PM if you ever like, TW


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#181972 - 09/23/07 10:34 PM Re: Shame Spiral/Finding Out Who Did This [Re: copenbay]
toomscuz Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/31/07
Posts: 16
Thanks for the responses yeah they're supportive but they are also not understanding they can't deal with my disturbing thoughts they also a lot of time won't validate what I'm trying to discover because it's hurtful to there memories. I feel like saying to them have the time "JUST DEAL WITH IT" don't they realize that I'm having a tough time thinking it could be a certain person in my past someone I thought did nothing but teach me alot of good life lessons and now I'm finding out that he's not as perfect as I remember and he could've of done the ultimate form a betrayal to me. It just get's so frusturating not only of their reactions but also of the amount of repression my mind has done and also the constant fear that it really never happened and that the "disturbing thoughts" I have don't hold any merit to my past.

Luke


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#181973 - 09/23/07 10:36 PM Re: Shame Spiral/Finding Out Who Did This [Re: toomscuz]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
just remember - this won't be easy for them either.
not invalidating your suffering - just remembering theirs


m


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#181974 - 09/23/07 10:37 PM Re: Shame Spiral/Finding Out Who Did This [Re: toomscuz]
toomscuz Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/31/07
Posts: 16
Wanted to clarify my last post. I was saying my family are the ones being supportive but also not understanding. Not that your responses weren't. I realized I didn't put a period after saying "Thanks for your responses"

Luke


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#181975 - 09/23/07 10:38 PM Re: Shame Spiral/Finding Out Who Did This [Re: testingWaters]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi again,

I totally agree with TW, especially when family members are involved. And yes, obsession was a way of coping with pain for me too. As I said, the T better know what he/she is doing. Otherwise, there could be even more problems, as I well know. My prayers are with you, Luke. I wish you as much peace as possible while you heal (it's a long, painful process, but the pain doesn't have to be all there is).

Ed


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