Thanks all. We've had lots of advice from attorneys and a private investigator. H is ready to take her down. He says that in a way, it will help him to be assertive and finally make her pay for all the pain she has caused him. Plus, I think he wants to prove to me that he can prtect his family. Sting is planned...
Sadly, becuase this will be a federal charge with 10 years minimum (perfect place for a r*pist, if you ask me), I'm sure that it will get much uglier before it gets better. But, if life is truly like the good old John Wayne westerns, good always wins.
i'm sorry to hear things have progressed this direction; i'm also sorry to say i warned you this might very well happen back on july 22nd in my previous post:
you might also consider, if you haven't already done so, discussing all this w/an attorney just to know what his rights are and all. it's also possible she could file a civil complaint, both against him and against her place of employment. i know you both want this to go away and it might, but it could also become an even bigger nightmare if she's the vindictive sort.
now, i'm going to say something that might fly in the face of everything you feel, want to do, and how you think things might go for you.
you might also recall i wrote about who would be believed if this was ever to go to trial? you described your husband as tall and well built, and her as much smaller -
believe me, you don't want this to go to trial - it sounds like she has a down-and-dirty atty, one who will go to the mat for his client, and it probably doesn't matter one bit if she's lying or not. if they are suing you civilly, it's about money, plain and simple. (lost wages, remember?)
first piece of advice - there are lots of attys whose only way of thinking is to fight; the more their clients hate each other, the better for them, the more time they spend filing motions and defending them, going to court, the higher their fees, so literally, fighting for them is quite lucrative.
so a good "go get'm attitude lawyer" at first sounds great, but in the long run, well, sometimes talking and mediation is really the best. you have your back up about this, rightly so of course, but considering the situation, mediation might actually be better. your husband, did, after all, participate in a sexual act (that part has not been denied), whether it was rape or not must be proven in a court of law if that's where it's headed (i believe he was raped, as many on this board do but we're quite biased you know).
in other words, your husband has to be ready to open up and expose an awful lot of vulnerability - in a PUBLIC FORUM - as to why he believes he was raped - if he's really going to fight this in court. it could be VERY expensive to defend this, calling experts in to testify, etc.
i don't think anyone would really think that much less of him if he decided not to do that, would you? really?
on the other side, mediation (arbitration lawyers do this, contact your local office to find an arbitration lawyer) can very possibly provide a much less confrontational solution and one that can put this thing to rest legally once and for all.
once again wife, i DO understand your seething, raging anger inside and how much you really want to confront this woman. however, it could very well be things don't go your way, are you prepared for that? if both sides agree to an arbitration, generally there are no appeals allowed by either side, the final decision is final, period, that's it.
in a civil or criminal trial (if it goes that far)the appeals can go on and last for years - and until it's settled legally it will be in your life, your home, your bedroom, there won't be any escape, for a long, long time.
your marriage has withstood a lot; more than many, and you have my utmost respect and admiration for that. i only wish you the very best and hope you'll consider putting your anger aside while you think of what really is the best thing for your marriage, your husband and your lives together.
wishing you only the best,