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#181843 - 09/23/07 08:46 AM the hole in my soul
cat lover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 89
Loc: Denver, Colorado
For professional reasons, I needed to find out the date something happened in my journal from a a few years ago. I've been journaling daily for over five years and so I have a number of journal books. I picked up one thinking it was what I needed. It was actually a year too early. The entry I happened on was one in which I told my ex (who was not my ex yet) the perp that I wasn't sure I'd be okay, that I had a hole in my soul. A trigger for a small rivulet of sadness for me. I loved that guy with my entire being. It would be over a year after that journal entry before I could call it for what it was, and name it rape.


But I never want to go back to that place again - that place of feeling entirely desolated. The hard part for me seems to be trusting. I have some fears about being involved so deeply with someone again. I know that I'm capable of profound love, and that I'm worthy of receiving that in return. I'm worthy of and deserve a healthy relationship with a mature, caring, giving, loving man. I have a lot to offer. And yet I seem to have trouble getting dates.


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#183521 - 09/30/07 05:30 AM Re: the hole in my soul [Re: cat lover]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
cat lover,

This seems to be a big issue for you these days; as I recall, you were talking about this last month and even earlier. I don't have a gay perspective to offer, but here's my two cents anyway.

It sounds in a way like you are "stuck at the starting line". I remember you saying once that you were getting dates but there was "no spark". Now you talk of trouble getting dates.

Although you haven't seen him in over 3 years the guy who abused you is still on your mind in a big way. You thought you had with him the loving caring relationship you were seeking, but that proved not to be the case. So now you wonder how you will ever be able to trust again, and what is a relationship if there is no trust?

Perhaps the answer is to take things in small steps. Take it slow and look for guys to connect with in places where the atmosphere isn't so highly charged with sexual expectations. And if a guy gets pushy and doesn't understand your need to proceed slowly, just let him go - he's not for you.

Maybe I'm wrong here. I keep getting told that "the scene is the scene", but I don't buy that. "The scene" has a hold over you only if you give it that control. I know plenty of gay men who want and need a stable loving relationship, just as you do. My bet is that such like-minded gay men will eventually find each other. It's just a matter of standing your ground and looking in places where guys like that are likely to be.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#184757 - 10/05/07 12:04 AM Re: the hole in my soul [Re: roadrunner]
cat lover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 89
Loc: Denver, Colorado
Thanks Larry. I'm hoping there are other good guys too. I'm not really into the "scene" anyway, if by "scene" you mean the bars and the meatmarket and the online hookups. Sometimes it's still on my mind - although I've been pretty successful for long periods of time at not even thinking about him; there've been a couple of incidents of triggers of some kind lately. I wish I knew where else to look. I do things that are important to me and which I enjoy, thinking those activities might be likely places. I'm all in favor of slow.


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#189439 - 10/31/07 10:01 PM Re: the hole in my soul [Re: cat lover]
cat lover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 89
Loc: Denver, Colorado
Well, finally, today I took the step of leaving a message for the counselor I used to see. It's been two years. I think I need a tune-up on my EMDR (eye movement therapy). I ran into another guy I know who is a rape survivor, and he said he also had EMDR.


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#190914 - 11/11/07 07:39 AM Re: the hole in my soul [Re: cat lover]
cat lover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 89
Loc: Denver, Colorado
This week I went back in to the counselor. We did some EMDR - eye movement therapy - which I also did when I was him before. I'll go in for a few sessions & see if I can get this guy out of my head for good.


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