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#181786 - 09/22/07 08:27 PM Re: Can one really change what "turns them on"? [Re: MarkK]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
.



Edited by selene (10/04/07 03:34 AM)
_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#181789 - 09/22/07 08:38 PM Re: Can one really change what "turns them on"? [Re: selene]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
The original poster was talking about sex feeling "dirty" and seeking out situations in which it feels "dirty" all over again. Unless I missed something she wasn't talking about boys or girls or tops or bottoms or gay or straight.


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#181790 - 09/22/07 08:39 PM Re: Can one really change what "turns them on"? [Re: selene]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
we are born pure ,as close to god as your ever gonna get ,the minute you take that first breath ,and open your eyes ,the world and the people around you start shaping who you will be ,if a baby was born and kept in total isolation for say 20 years do you think he would walk out and say by the way im gay?

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its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#181791 - 09/22/07 08:42 PM Re: Can one really change what "turns them on"? [Re: Jarrad]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
I think that since people have many different things that are turn ons one could change or at least develop new turn ons that are just as strong as old ones if they where exposed to other things and like them.

I know that some of the things that turned me on big time years ago are still there but new stronger turn ons have developed now. But I had to be exposed to them for a while and like them.

But is this about turn ons or about sexual intimacy? IF this is the problem that they feel any and all sex is dirty all of the time and can not see that sex can be wonderful and meaningful then that is another issue.

But still something that can be changed if they really want to and have the help and support to do so. A big help I think would be to limit things that project dirty sex and introduce things that may stimulate more intimacy based sex. For instance if one was watching porn most porn is more about dirty sex that is what sells. But watching soft porn that is more like a>

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#181793 - 09/22/07 08:49 PM Re: Can one really change what "turns them on"? [Re: shadowkid]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
actually Adam their is alot of research now that pretty well has proven we are influenced by people while we are still developing before birth... so the idea that you are pure as a new born dosnt really hold up... and i hate to say it but the idea that as soon as we are born it is all down hill from their is pretty scary to me.

Anyways to answer the questions first brought up in the post. I think some one can change from acting out and having "dirty" sex to having a healthy loving relationship with another person. But i think the person must truly want to change and understand the negative effects of the behavior they were taking part in

Thats my thoughts on the subject

,Chris


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#181796 - 09/22/07 09:07 PM Re: Can one really change what "turns them on"? [Re: theatrekid]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Thanks, all of you, for your deep insights. It's ok if my question spurred into other avenues; it makes it more interesting.

Selene, I love the sentence that said that sex (or acting out, reenacting the abuse) as the result of abuse is "trauma turned into orgasm." That is a profound statement.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#181797 - 09/22/07 09:14 PM Re: Can one really change what "turns them on"? [Re: theatrekid]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i was talking about liking boys in terms of what i like sexually. so im saying that me liking boys is the same as liking dirty sex. not that they are the same. and selene, yes in another post i mentioned how i like rougher sex and may not have naturally liked that. the post is about changing it tho right? so if i didnt want to have "rough sex" anymore i cant change that. that becomes apart of me too. so changing that doesnt seem possible to me. even with therapy or whatever. i will always be turned on that way.


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#181801 - 09/22/07 09:39 PM Re: Can one really change what "turns them on"? [Re: Jarrad]
LadyLuck Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/24/07
Posts: 9
Loc: Maryland
Just thought I'd throw my two cents in here:

You may want to consider what it really is about "dirty sex" that turns you on. Is it the prostitutes? Or the sexual act(s) it/themselves? Is it the "taboo" nature of having "dirty" sex with people who have sex in exchange for money? There are a lot of minute things within the scenario itself that really might be the "turn on" rather than the entire situation itself.

Taboo sex is a turn on for a lot (and I mean A LOT) of people. "Dirty" sex is a turn on for a lot of people (how many times have you heard of someone who "talks dirty" during sex?)

If you're feeling conflicted about what you like versus what you think is acceptable sexual behavior, I'd first like to say that I don't see any problem, in any situation (barring death, of course) where two consenting adults (or more, whatever floats your boat) engage in sexual activities. That aside, if it really does bother you, try to figure out exactly what it is, on the micro side, about "dirty sex" that you like. Once you've figured that out, remove whatever parts of the equation you don't like (I'm assuming the prostitutes bit) and start searching for someone who has the same turn-ons that you do (trust me, they're out there...)

And on the subject of what we're born with and what we're conditioned to like/dislike: It's generally a combination of the two. Our genetic coding is reinforced or discouraged by our personal experiences. We may be born with an innate fear of, say, lions. But if you grow up in a house of lion-tamers, that instinctual fear is going to be discouraged over time.

People are born one way or another. But our experiences do the fine tuning. Jarrad, you were born gay. Were you born with a love of rough sex? Perhaps. But it's more than likely that your early experiences changed the actual shape and function of the pleasure centers in your brain to trigger more often during specific sexual activities. Linking an activity to pleasure isn't that difficult if you can convince yourself (or actually, honestly do) that you like it. There's nothing wrong with that, but not everything about your personality or personal tastes is coded into your gene sequences.


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#181802 - 09/22/07 09:40 PM Re: Can one really change what "turns them on"? [Re: LadyLuck]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
right
even Pavlov taught his dogs to salivate at the ringing of a bell

M

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#181858 - 09/23/07 10:10 AM Re: Can one really change what "turns them on"? [Re: MarkK]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Absolutely fascinating discussion.

I think you probably did the best job of answering your question Brokenhearted when you posted the following

Quote:
IF a survivor can learn to have sex w/ real intimacy and love, as opposed to plain "dirty" sex, I wonder if he would then prefer the sex/intimacy/love, because he is missing that now. Maybe sex is "just sex" until you learn to put sex and love together, then it changes everything??

Esp. if they figured out *why* they like the "dirty" secretive sex....i.e. it was dirty and secretive in their abuse...and once they make that connection, if they ever do, it seems like they would not want it as much anymore. Just my own thoughts as the spouse of a survivor...???

That is it in a nutshell in my opinion.

Jarrad, personally I think you are correct when you say that you will probably always like the kind of sex that has turned you on in the past. I certainly can't disagree with that, but like BH said, "dirty sex" can certainly loose it's first place ranking in what a person prefers to have when they discover sex of any kind combined with intimacy and committed love.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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