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#181795 - 09/22/07 08:55 PM The Proposal
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Well.... he brough me the preliminary divorsed papers... : (
I'm so desapoited so sad not to mention confused...
he told me he dosent want to do this anymore ( marriage ) he dosent love me .. he thank me for all the book and the time I took to get him and even though he needs to work on himself he its clear in knowing that he dosent want me...
he asked me for his passport when I asked where his going he told me he got a free cruise ticket (some gay friends had a extra ticket ) to go on a gay cruise ???? he told me right away that he was not gay but he was just going to take the free ticket to get away ????
This is so confusing after 12 years just like that his over this.. I dont think his going to counseling, his pushing me away where all I can do is run the other way to try to protect me and the kids....
sunday was our anniversary and he left me a voice mail of Happy Anniversary and last time I talk to him he said I love you before hanging up this rollorcoaster its taking the best of me.. I spend a good day and then I'm back down trying to pick myself up I really think I can loose... I adore the man he is a great time and I want hm to be happy I just dont know he know what will make him happy ... look like our season its comming to an end ... I hope and pray for miracle .. I dont want to loose my faith but I dont want to play the fool either

Sorry for all of us, reading and posting on this site, my love and hope goes out to you all


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#181798 - 09/22/07 09:14 PM Re: The Proposal [Re: ptsdwife]
LadyLuck Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/24/07
Posts: 9
Loc: Maryland
The ending of any relationship can be painful, even moreso when it's a marriage. However, this obviously wasn't a healthy one, despite how much you love/d him and how much he loves/loved you. None of us can MAKE anyone change. We can suggest and support, but when we chase after the other person, we're really just chasing our own tails.

It sounds to me (and mind you, I'm just a girl with a few years of college behind her) that your husband is going through a serious identity crisis. Gay, straight, in a relationship, out of a relationship, family man, bachelor, he can't seem to make up his mind.

Sometimes, you really just have to let the other person hit rock bottom before you offer a hand to pull them up.

There's something I learned as a lifeguard that I try to apply to other situations, especially ones like this:

When a person is drowning, try to rescue them. When they panic and grab on to you, push you under to stay afloat, remove yourself from their immediate area and wait for them to calm down. Explain that you're only going to help them if they relax. Approach again. But never, NEVER, let the victim turn you into a victim as well.

My instructors never meant for it to be life lesson--just a safety precaution that most lifeguards have to know to keep themselves safe. But it does apply to other situations. As much as it is breaking your heart to watch your husband struggle, you have to make sure that you survive. As long as you're alive and healthy, he still has a way to reach the surface again. If he drags you down with him, you're both in serious danger.

It may seem unfair, but you have to be the strong one; for yourself, for your children, and even for your husband. He may not ever be back in your life the way you want him to, but he will still need you. Just remember that relationships go both ways. You can't be expected to keep the whole thing running on your own. If he's not putting in his share (of love, effort, support, etc), then it isn't a relationship.

Be healthy. Be happy.

Good luck and stay strong! \:\)


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#181803 - 09/22/07 09:42 PM Re: The Proposal [Re: LadyLuck]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear PTSD Wife:

I'm so sorry for your grief...I can only imagine the weight that you feel within. Although it may not seem like a blessing now, but maybe in five years you'll look back and realize that your husband did you a big favor. Seriously. You know the score, you can move forward now and stake claim to the endless possibilities that tomorrow brings. You have children to focus on...children that need stability in their lives.
A very wise person on this forum pm'd me one afternoon when I was having a rough day. Do you know what she suggested I do? Make a list of things that I've always wanted to accomplish, then set out to do them! Try it...having a concrete plan to follow does a world of good. Set an array of goals from simple to complicated...it helps raise a person's spirit!
If your husband wanted out of your relationship, who needs him anyway? Seriously...there is so much more to life than sitting around waiting for someone to figure himself out. Support is one thing, but sacrificing happiness is a whole other ball game. Think about it!!! What you have been handed is not just pre-divorce papers, but a preliminary ticket to a new beginning.
S-n-S




Edited by sweet-n-sour (09/22/07 09:59 PM)
_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#181810 - 09/22/07 10:04 PM Re: The Proposal [Re: sweet-n-sour]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Hi S-n-S

so here we meet again... the saga continues ... thank you so much for your support you have been there for me thru this past months...
You know is funny because he called me last monday to invited me to lunch and then move the appoitment to the house and I new it was either the end or him comming back... and I was nerves about bouth, it's like i'm afraid of him comming back and having to go thru him leaving again at any giving moment without any warning ... I dont think i can go thru that again and not sure that I can trust him not to do it so ... maybe to much has happend and not enough communication ( remember he told me and pretty much left a few days later)
I do feel awfull, scare, dissapoited, this was not in the plan .. life was good and puf is gone !!! CRAZY this where the best years to come... kids grown and out of the house we where going to enjoy our life and then this! ohh yes I guess i'm angry too, so many feelings .... and you know, afraid of next week because every week since different and the funny thing : this is been going on for 3 months it feels so much longer.
I so weak compared to much of the partners in this forum that they been supporting their partners for years .. well I guess I will be too if he did not leave and would have for life if he wanted me but the fact is ... Dont miss the next episode because you never know what tomorrow will bring...
even if is over I will continued to log in and check on you and everyone here ... without your support I will have drowned in many occasions ... THANK YOU, my Friend


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#181811 - 09/22/07 10:13 PM Re: The Proposal [Re: LadyLuck]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Hi LadyLuck
Thank you for the advice and it make perfect sence and you are defenetly right about my husband identity crisis ( I think )
it's hard for me to get it ... i can only hope and pray that one day we can have what we used to have but... its nor anymore so you are right I got to let go.... easy to say .. hard to do! but I must find the strengh and carry on without him in my life.. I think the hardest part it's not having a dream-plan .. you know what I mean ... after 14 years together we had plan the whole rocking chair together and now .. without notice I have no partner for old age, I'm on my own, I got to mourn, Heal and maybe dream again so I can start a new life ... almost like if my partner has died ... Just griving for now...
Thank you for your support and good luck to you!


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#181815 - 09/22/07 10:28 PM Re: The Proposal [Re: ptsdwife]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear PTSD Wife:

Sometimes we are put on a path that we would have never believed was intended to be our destination. This seems to be your path right now. I can feel the mixture of emotions that you are feeling. Be kind to yourself during this time. Each day it will all become a little bit better...I know this as truth.

You had said that you feel weak compared to some of the partners on his forum who have been supporting their s/others but that is not what I see...I see a woman who is very strong and courageous...who has enough compassion in her heart to find her way here to try and help.

I thank you for your kind words and feel a great priveledge to call you friend as well.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#181820 - 09/22/07 11:18 PM Re: The Proposal [Re: LadyLuck]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Lady luck,
The Lifeguard analogy is excellent. I will read that daily for support! I am also just removed from my loved one. (he's at the "wall". This helps more than you could know.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#181821 - 09/22/07 11:44 PM Re: The Proposal [Re: mmac]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Hi mmac

sorry to ask... what its the wall?


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#181822 - 09/22/07 11:51 PM Re: The Proposal [Re: ptsdwife]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
The place where he can't hide from it anymore and yet he's too frightened to actually let go. To finally realize and believe that Now he has control of something, His entire life and he 's too scared to do it. The wall

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#181825 - 09/23/07 12:24 AM Re: The Proposal [Re: mmac]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
ahh... I dont think my husband is ther but maybe he is ???? like always latetly " All I know is that I Dont Know"

= )


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#181828 - 09/23/07 12:32 AM Re: The Proposal [Re: ptsdwife]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Could be or could be him trying to justify or make okay, or live with it? You know him, is he pushing you away or running away. There is a difference. Pushing felt to me like, I want you here but this is too good or It scares me. Running felt to me like, I cannot handle this or you or anything so back off , i'm out.
That's me. The guys here who live (d) it can probably give you a better picture.
I'm just trying to survive his surviving.you know?

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#181829 - 09/23/07 12:43 AM Re: The Proposal [Re: mmac]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Yes I know ... well to tell ypu the truth in different time it has been a different man taking to me .. sometime I feel that he just dosent love me end of story it has nothing to do with the abuse and other time it's like his numb so .... again it all takes me to : I'm alone ... he does not want me or my help!
I'm happy for you ... i'm glad your partner is in the wall at least his doing something about sooner then later ( because his dealing with it)
good luck to you = )


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#181831 - 09/23/07 12:48 AM Re: The Proposal [Re: ptsdwife]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
He has stopped dealing with it again and that's one of the reasons I have moved out. I love him too very much to stay and continue to watch the pain. I was enabling him to justify stopping again. Sometimes they have to fly and sometimes they fall. Do you have children?

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#181832 - 09/23/07 01:08 AM Re: The Proposal [Re: mmac]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Yes 3 but the youngest is 18 just started university... he's providing for the family his keeping up with his job, friend and life in general and it simse to me that his doing ok in all aspects of it except ME .... so that it why .. maybe it really has nothing to do with the abuse but maybe its simply that he dosent love me anymore ... the weird thing its how it all happend ... it was very stressfull time and he had a personal situation with his father and got depress and I just sow him cramble and rebuilt himself ... very weird and when he became there was no space for me! I know this does not make any sence ... BELIEVE me it does not make sence to me = ) but it how it happend in May in June he told me he had never loved me then he told me he has done nothing but love me then in June after taking my daughter to collegue he told me how unhappy he was so I told him that if he wanted to go I will open the door and got his clothes ( I want him to be happy ) never thinking that it was going to be the end of us.... and at that time I do think he was running from it by now I think he has manage to put it away and since I know now (because he told me in June) he knows I will want to deal with it so that mean that I must be eliminated in order for him to continued ... but this is just one theory there can be another woman ... Mid life crasis or just fall out of love .. who knows but again nothing really matters the end result still the same : I'm alone ... Broken life, broken marriage,broken family, broken heart

just holding on to GOD = )


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#181849 - 09/23/07 09:14 AM Re: The Proposal [Re: ptsdwife]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
ptsdwife,

I am so sorry for your pain. Try to not get in his head and figure out what he's thinking or feeling, you need to seperate yourself from him emotionaly to begin your healing. Until you unwrap yourself from him and his issues, this will continue to be only pain for you.

I don't know if you recall, but I let my husband go to live the life that he wanted to live - a life that he can freely be an alcoholic without me upsetting that life. Now 4 months later he is sicker than ever and very angry that I'm not taking steps to fix things so that we can be back together again. The thought of this sick, selfish man coming back into my life makes me ill. I've come full circle in these 4 months and I'm not willing to let him sidetrack my life ever again.

So by all means you need to grieve over your loss, but at the same time if he does want to come back, take a look at how far you've come and like you said do you want to go through this ever again????

You said in your post that you don't know what will make him happy - let him figure that out, let him find the path to his recovery, let him figure out if he is in fact gay. YOU need to find what is going to make YOU happy. Stop focusing on him and focus on you - he's entirelly focused on him and your wasting precious energy focusing on him because he's very selfish right now and he's only thinking about himself. You need to get a little selfish and make it all about you.

It does get easier and you find yourself getting happy again. Hang in there and start having more faith in yourself. I have faith in you!!!

Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#181862 - 09/23/07 10:29 AM Re: The Proposal [Re: savemyfam]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
ptsd wife,

I too am sorry for your pain. I'm wondering if perhaps it's not time for you to separate yourself from this trauma and start taking care of you? Let him go. Face the future without him. He obviously is not in a place where he can do anything but cause hurt, confusion, and pain in your life.

It's time to quit worrying about what will make him happy. He's not in a place where his happiness will include you and frankly he doesn't seem to give a damn, as the movie line goes. It may take a while, but I assure you that facing the future without him will begin to look very appealing. You may wish to find a local womens divorce support group to attend on a regular basis.

I guess what I'm saying is it will be hard, but in the long run you will be better off without him in your life. Surround yourself with people who care about you and can support you in your grief, do the grieving you need to do, and begin your new life.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#181885 - 09/23/07 03:39 PM Re: The Proposal [Re: WalkingSouth]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Thank you, John

Yes all of you are right, whether by choice or by circunstance i have to let go of the past and move forward... and you know whats funny!!! if they could only do the same ... let go of the past and look forward to the future maybe some many of us will not be here ... today.... griving over the trauma that happen 25 years a go, and our partners did not let them go.... I know it's easy for me to say but then no difference that for me now, having to let go and move forward ...
Ohhh well!!! life goes on, I'm sure I will go on
thank you


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#181991 - 09/24/07 01:13 AM Re: The Proposal [Re: ptsdwife]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
.



Edited by selene (10/04/07 03:34 AM)
_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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