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#180259 - 09/14/07 10:11 AM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: melliferal]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Bryan
Originally Posted By: melliferal
Originally Posted By: BJK
I did like it.

But the fact that I did like it only served to mess up my life more.

Bryan


I agree.


I have read this thread so many times - with much reflection. I too did enjoy it. I was 10 and he was 14 when it first happened. I liked being raped - can you believe that - the first few times hurt like hell - but after that it felt good. And to be honest I was mad (or hurt?) when he shared me with his friend (was I jealouse?) and when he moved into his own room and it stopped - just like that.

I DID LIKE IT (JUST ADMITTING THAT IS PAINFUL)- and IT DID SCREW UP MY LIFE.

But the thought of reliving that now does not fill me with anticipation - it makes me want to vomit!



Edited by kellygtx (09/18/07 01:44 PM)
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I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#181328 - 09/20/07 02:09 AM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: kellygtx]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi Mell,

I completely agree with your explanation of connection between 'liking it' and convincing yourself that the abusers must have been friends. It's also much harder to blame the abusers if I 'liked it', even at all, which of course is evidenced by having some kind of response (a 'hard on').
Most of the abuse I can't say I really liked, but I had to tell myself I must have if I responded 'favorably', or if someone tried to convince me it was good and I simply went along, though I was sure something was wrong. So I had to choose to turn abusers into friends, since I was assigned blame and accepted it.
The confusion (or 'cognitive dissonance') was horrible, since I wanted to think of everyone as my friend, and that I must have really 'liked it', even if I didn't. I had the additional problem of wondering if my parents considered people who abused me to be friends, and if I was wrong to question their judgment. Sometimes I was pretty sure they didn't, but other times, I simply didn't know. Too young to do anything except go along.

Ed


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#181582 - 09/21/07 12:47 PM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: melliferal]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Melliferal,

I wanted to come back to something you said earlier:

Originally Posted By: melliferal
The perps used to describe me and my friends with words like "beautiful", which didn't make sense to me back then because "beautiful" wasn't a word you used to describe boys - but whatever, right? So I figured it had something to do with my image.


Even more than that, my friend, you were being made to feel special, wanted, loved, appreciated, important - all the things that a boy wants the most. The fact that the specific word they used seemed odd to you was totally beside the point.

This is part of the utter emotional cruelty of abuse: that an adult will use a child's own innocence as a tool to betray him.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#181599 - 09/21/07 01:38 PM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: melliferal]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hi Melliferal,

No adult has the right to molest a child. None. Your feelings are what you feel and you have every right to feel like you do. Please consider you as a child, needing some kind of attention and affection as the others have said. That is normal, and apparently to enjoy the physical nature is normal too. What is not normal is what was done to you and the rest of us. I think it is just part of the shit we all have to endure until we can get the help we need to sort out what was ours and what was theirs.

Please don't beat yourself up, just be patient, know that we care about you and your going to get where you need to be.

The best.

B


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#181761 - 09/22/07 06:15 PM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: Barney]
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
That's it. That's IT!

The part that I liked - that wasn't the abuse. I mean, in retrospect I would rather not have liked it - and I know that it was an abusive design that's the reason we did any of that in the first place...but what I actually DID with the other kids was not the abuse part! It was the leaving the tapes in the VCR that was the abuse part...and video camera. THAT was the abuse - I was more indifferent to that stuff. Maybe I didn't protest, but I can't say to myself I particularly liked that part of it.

Let's face it - I know that kids might explore now and then, but what I did with them was I think way more than most kids would just do. Still and all, they were kids my age; it was safe. It doesn't matter whether I liked that or not, because that wasn't the "abuse".

I was just killing time today, playing my flight simulator. And all the sudden, the thought occured to me. I wasn't thinking about abuse at all, and it just sort of popped up all of a sudden. Normally I would hate that intrusiveness - but this time it was such a relief, what I thought! It doesn't matter - I could've liked the living hell out of what I was doing; it DOESN'T MATTER. It just doesn't.

Guilt, stay away this time! There's no way I can shame my way around this breakthrough.

Today is a damn good day.

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Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

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#181788 - 09/22/07 08:34 PM Re: Guilt over "liking it" [Re: melliferal]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6397
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Well said....well framed Mel!!!

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