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#181656 - 09/21/07 08:56 PM New Here would like advise
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
hi, i am very new to this . 3 1/2 years in a realtionship with a fantastic man that was abused as a child. I just moved to my own apartment because he quit counseling again and has pushed me out of his life. i would do anything for this man, but hurt him. Help, i do not know what to do?



Edited by walkingsouth (09/21/07 11:58 PM)
_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#181698 - 09/22/07 09:07 AM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Mmac:

Hi and welcome to the Family & Friend's forum of Male Survivor. We are here to offer friendship and support to the best of our abilities.

I'm sorry that you have been pushed out of your man's life. Trust is a very difficult thing for a survivor to extend since their entire idea of trust was tarnished at such a young age. It makes sense that when a person is hurt so deeply that a wall of protection is scaled around their hearts from that moment forward. Anyone that manages to get through that barrier causes such discomfort that all they know to do is pull away.

The unfortunate thing is that often times the survivor may keep themself at a safe distance, but they are also missing out on one of the most wonderful experiences of life...a true connection to others and intimacy.

The choice to continue therapy is ultimately his decision just the same as whether to rekindle the relationship that he shared with you. The best advice I can offer is to read articles/posts here and check out the books that are available regarding the male survivor. With knowledge comes understanding and compassion.

I'm sorry for the circumstances that landed you here as well as the rest of us...both survivor and f&f of the survivor. Just know that you are not alone and I truly wish there was more I could offer you. I am extending my support at most.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#181709 - 09/22/07 11:27 AM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: sweet-n-sour]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Dearest S-n-S,
Thank you for responding. i am in my own pain as i do not know what to do and my fear of doing anything that could cause this wonderful man anymore pain. He states he wants to "Feel better" and at times he does and we share a fabulous life, then the cloud washes over him and he just "goes away". i try to honor his need for space, but am confused on the signals of what that truely means. Stay or go, hug or not, love or hate, his lines are so blurred. He wants clarification but yet does not seem to really be marching in that direction. I came here for some answers so as not to loose what we have already built, yet most are not receptive to taking responsibility to stop the abuse from continuing. we live away from the recommended T's on the site and his previous T admits he is not an expert in this area.
i do not want to push, yet i do not want to back off either. what's the right thing to do? i love him.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#181847 - 09/23/07 09:00 AM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear mmac:

When you said:
"i do not want to push, yet i do not want to back off either. what's the right thing to do? i love him."

This sometimes feels like a juggling act where the balance a person is juggling changes at any given moment. I'm not sure any of us here can answer that question since not only does the balance change from moment to moment, but for ever survivor the issues they are facing varies as well.
The thing is, for most survivors control is a huge issue since it was taken away from them at a young age. If they are pushed too hard a sense of not having control present day is overwhelming to them. I have realized however, that by offering too much control, my personal boundaries are often encroached. I am truly uncertain even after a year of this what or how to balance this.
I am sorry for your pain. I do understand the good days are fabulous and the cloud washes over and the survivor goes away...I understand this mode all too well...for me I have described it as "checking out."
There is hope. I see postings by survivors here that have traveled ahead on this journey...years into it and their perspective fills me with the promise that tomorrow can and will be better.
Sorry, I couldn't really answer your question for I too am just trying to figure this whole thing out.
Sending you my best.
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#181859 - 09/23/07 10:15 AM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: sweet-n-sour]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
S-n-S,
by leaving i chose to distance myself from the daily ride. it has helped me see things clearer. i too have read and taken great comfort that there is a way for him to heal. I can believe because of folks like yourself and the survivors here who share their journey. I want to hope that he will take the steps necessary to heal and we can once again be on the same page, but the survivor in me knows that might not occur. I believe God has brought us together for a reason and that I should and must trust in that. Being a human, I have a hard time feeling good about it, yet without that belief, I have no hope.
Thanks for you strength and for all of the wonderful people struggling to stay together in this thing called CSA.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#181917 - 09/23/07 08:18 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
i just saw him and again expressed my love and compassion for him. He didn't say a word, just sat there and began speaking about his comp case like i never even said anything. I thanked him for listening and i told him i will love him always no matter what the ride. i went back to my apt. i feel empty. I hate what happened to him. I hate his abuser. I hate that this wonderful man was so violated and is continuing to be in so much pain. I hate that he can just shut down and nothing gets thru. I want to hold on to some hope but i feel hopeless.

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#181921 - 09/23/07 08:31 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear mmac:

I'm sending you a sister (((hug))) along with understanding and support. I know it isn't much but I hope somehow it helps to know you are not alone in this.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#181924 - 09/23/07 08:36 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: sweet-n-sour]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
thanks. i feel like i can't help him, myself or anyone. i cannot imagine my life without him in it. Like air. And he can dismiss me like i do not exsist. maybe going to see him was wrong, but i couldn't go another day without seeing his face, hearing his voice. Why is it that his abuser gets to keep winning. I do not want to feel this way. i just can't see past this, no dreams or hopes, too hard tobe objective and not blame myself for leaving.
I'm on the outside of his heart again, after all the work and time i put in to get him to try and trust me, it's all gone.
i'm so tired.now what?

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#181928 - 09/23/07 08:42 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
hi mmac,

I'm sorry, and I know exacly how you feel... the one adviced from me is... DON'T STOP telling him that you love him... because I did for 2 months and as soon as i Could said it anymore he just completly separate from me.
maybe he was lingering because he felt guilty that I loved him or maybe he just need it??? not sure but the fact is that at some point you will feel like a fool for saying it without any response and believed me ... DONT STOP
maybe does make a difference or maybe in my case it will have not.
make some Tea and a hot bath ... it works for me ... also pray God it's a wonderfull companion ...
i will be loged in if you want to talk....


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#181930 - 09/23/07 08:48 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: sweet-n-sour]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Hi S-n-S

Nothing new in my world.... just wonder how you are doing?
you are always there for all of us...
thank You = )


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#181944 - 09/23/07 09:16 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: ptsdwife]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
thanks. i told him that i'm not ever giving up on him, but why do they have to make it so extra hard. i feel like i am worth nothing to him or anyone else. tonight is hard.
I know for my sanity i had to move out but i made it as clear as a bell that i was not leaving the relationship or him. doesn't seem to matter either way.
SAD, so sad

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#181955 - 09/23/07 09:42 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Mmac,

You mentioned that the T is not an expert in CSA (or is that in CSA of boys?), so I guess that means that he has already disclosed to you and to a T.

Have you told him about this site? Working with a T is irreplaceable, but this site and the people I've met here have been tremendously helpful to me over the years.

I'm sorry that you're going through something so difficult. Please remember to take care of yourself.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#181981 - 09/23/07 11:27 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: outis]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Mmac so many of us push our love one's away. It is hard to get close when we are in the middle of all this recovery work. You may just have to be at his side as he works things out. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#181984 - 09/23/07 11:57 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: Muldoon]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
thanks T for sharing. i know but does he know or care that i am here for him. does he want me to be or should i go by what he says to me /his indifernec to me? I do not want him to think that i have left him.

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#182111 - 09/24/07 04:45 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
thanks Joe,
He told me about the CSA (not in detail) about a month after we met. That was 3 1/2 yrs ago. He started seeing a T about a year ago. he was going strong and then he had an accident on the job, that required major surgery, so he stopped going and things all seemed to go down hill after that. The T, a male and he seemed to be able to communicate well and he was at the point of writing the abuser a letter. He never finished it.Alot of pressure for him and i really tried to take the external crap on so he wouldn't get so stressed. Now he says he needs to get the surgical therapy done and his work claim and then he can try to think about us. In the mean while he asked me to back off. i love and respect this man, but when he says stuff like "you deserve someone better" i want to die. He is the most courageous, strongest, honest, loyal person i have ever had the pleasure to know. I recommended the site in an email (no response) and to be honest i know if i do back off, he'll just retreat unto himself once again.
I would be happy to back off if he kept the communication lines open. I asked him to set the boundaries and he said nothing. I do not know what to do or how to help. I know he feels like out of everything going on in his life right now, I am the only issue he can control. but that does not give me much hope. I do not want to loose this man. he is my best friend.
SAD, so very sad.

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#182145 - 09/24/07 08:26 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Mmac,

Quote:
I do not know what to do or how to help.

Take care of yourself. Don't try to heal for him. You can be by his side, if he'll let you. You can be a confidante, if he'll confide. But you are your own person with your own life.

I had a long term relationship with someone who carries a lot of pain from her childhood and refuses to do anything about it. I hurt a lot then. But as it turned out, there really was nothing I could have done to make her face her demons. You can't make him well, either, and if you don't take good care of yourself, you won't be able to be there for him if he does "come around."

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#182148 - 09/24/07 08:36 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: outis]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Thank you Joe, I do know in my head you are 100% right. But my heart is so sad. I love him and i want to help too. I am so very confused by his "back off" but if i do I'm closed off by him. Stay or go what does he really need? I am afraid of making a mistake.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#182151 - 09/24/07 08:48 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
M,

In 12 Step programs they talk about the idea of "detaching with love." You can continue to love him, be there if/when he turns to you, but carry on your own life. Don't spend all your time waiting for him to turn to you.

It's something like that "Let them go and if they come back it's meant to be" idea. What good can come from trying to force him to get better? What bad can come from being strong and healthy yourself if he decides for himself to work on getting better?

I'm not saying walk away or give up on him. I'm saying don't forget about yourself. Don't lose yourself in his struggles. It's completely outside your control, and there's a that lot you can control that will directly impact the quality of your own life.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#182155 - 09/24/07 09:17 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: outis]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Thanks, I have moved from his home as to not "drown" myself. I told him then and everyday since (email) that i love and respect him. I have put myself in a more positive environment and it has given me my breath again. The longer I am here without him the stronger I feel. But it motivates me even more to do something, anything. I know it's his choice to handle this or not. I wish for his road to not be lonely anymore. Help is not doing something for someone, it's helping them to do for themselves. Like carrying a heavy box and someone helps.
M:)
Thank you for your insite and your courage. Thank you for believing in yourself even when it's scary.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
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