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#181944 - 09/23/07 09:16 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: ptsdwife]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
thanks. i told him that i'm not ever giving up on him, but why do they have to make it so extra hard. i feel like i am worth nothing to him or anyone else. tonight is hard.
I know for my sanity i had to move out but i made it as clear as a bell that i was not leaving the relationship or him. doesn't seem to matter either way.
SAD, so sad

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#181955 - 09/23/07 09:42 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Mmac,

You mentioned that the T is not an expert in CSA (or is that in CSA of boys?), so I guess that means that he has already disclosed to you and to a T.

Have you told him about this site? Working with a T is irreplaceable, but this site and the people I've met here have been tremendously helpful to me over the years.

I'm sorry that you're going through something so difficult. Please remember to take care of yourself.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#181981 - 09/23/07 11:27 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: outis]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Mmac so many of us push our love one's away. It is hard to get close when we are in the middle of all this recovery work. You may just have to be at his side as he works things out. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#181984 - 09/23/07 11:57 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: Muldoon]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
thanks T for sharing. i know but does he know or care that i am here for him. does he want me to be or should i go by what he says to me /his indifernec to me? I do not want him to think that i have left him.

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#182111 - 09/24/07 04:45 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
thanks Joe,
He told me about the CSA (not in detail) about a month after we met. That was 3 1/2 yrs ago. He started seeing a T about a year ago. he was going strong and then he had an accident on the job, that required major surgery, so he stopped going and things all seemed to go down hill after that. The T, a male and he seemed to be able to communicate well and he was at the point of writing the abuser a letter. He never finished it.Alot of pressure for him and i really tried to take the external crap on so he wouldn't get so stressed. Now he says he needs to get the surgical therapy done and his work claim and then he can try to think about us. In the mean while he asked me to back off. i love and respect this man, but when he says stuff like "you deserve someone better" i want to die. He is the most courageous, strongest, honest, loyal person i have ever had the pleasure to know. I recommended the site in an email (no response) and to be honest i know if i do back off, he'll just retreat unto himself once again.
I would be happy to back off if he kept the communication lines open. I asked him to set the boundaries and he said nothing. I do not know what to do or how to help. I know he feels like out of everything going on in his life right now, I am the only issue he can control. but that does not give me much hope. I do not want to loose this man. he is my best friend.
SAD, so very sad.

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#182145 - 09/24/07 08:26 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Mmac,

Quote:
I do not know what to do or how to help.

Take care of yourself. Don't try to heal for him. You can be by his side, if he'll let you. You can be a confidante, if he'll confide. But you are your own person with your own life.

I had a long term relationship with someone who carries a lot of pain from her childhood and refuses to do anything about it. I hurt a lot then. But as it turned out, there really was nothing I could have done to make her face her demons. You can't make him well, either, and if you don't take good care of yourself, you won't be able to be there for him if he does "come around."

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#182148 - 09/24/07 08:36 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: outis]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Thank you Joe, I do know in my head you are 100% right. But my heart is so sad. I love him and i want to help too. I am so very confused by his "back off" but if i do I'm closed off by him. Stay or go what does he really need? I am afraid of making a mistake.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#182151 - 09/24/07 08:48 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: mmac]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
M,

In 12 Step programs they talk about the idea of "detaching with love." You can continue to love him, be there if/when he turns to you, but carry on your own life. Don't spend all your time waiting for him to turn to you.

It's something like that "Let them go and if they come back it's meant to be" idea. What good can come from trying to force him to get better? What bad can come from being strong and healthy yourself if he decides for himself to work on getting better?

I'm not saying walk away or give up on him. I'm saying don't forget about yourself. Don't lose yourself in his struggles. It's completely outside your control, and there's a that lot you can control that will directly impact the quality of your own life.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#182155 - 09/24/07 09:17 PM Re: New Here would like advise [Re: outis]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Thanks, I have moved from his home as to not "drown" myself. I told him then and everyday since (email) that i love and respect him. I have put myself in a more positive environment and it has given me my breath again. The longer I am here without him the stronger I feel. But it motivates me even more to do something, anything. I know it's his choice to handle this or not. I wish for his road to not be lonely anymore. Help is not doing something for someone, it's helping them to do for themselves. Like carrying a heavy box and someone helps.
M:)
Thank you for your insite and your courage. Thank you for believing in yourself even when it's scary.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
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