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#181549 - 09/21/07 10:31 AM This is just too hard...
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Some days I can coast along...

...but MOST lately are just too hard...

...to get out of bed...
...to have a "normal, relaxed" conversation with my wife...
...to pretend to be okay at work...
...to want to go teach my classes...
...to truthfully answer the question "how are you doing?"...
...to not cry when i hear almost any music...
...to not feel numb all the time...
...to just fucking hurt so much inside...

I can't wait for the Hope Springs weekend.

Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#181551 - 09/21/07 10:34 AM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: trusty]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Russ -

Just a (((((Russ))))) for you.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#181611 - 09/21/07 02:34 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: kellygtx]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Russ,

I can totally relate. I'm in the same place right now... I wish I could go to Hope Springs, but I can't afford it.


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#181618 - 09/21/07 03:30 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: Dewey2k]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Dewey,

I'm in the same boat - but one of these days you and I will each find the way to make it to a WoR.

You hope for me. I'll hope for you.

Deal?

m


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#181620 - 09/21/07 03:33 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: MarkK]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Deal.


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#181631 - 09/21/07 06:58 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: Dewey2k]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Russ,

I had one of those days today as well, but just because we're getting better at handling them doesn't mean that they get any easier, right?

I've learned to take these days as victories. If I wake in the morning without the desire to face the day, I remind myself at the end of the day that I did it.

Just know that you have my love and respect.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#181800 - 09/22/07 09:22 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: BJK]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Hey, Bryan,
Thanks. You're right...at least I'm not running away from everything any more...I am hanging in for the fight...even when I know I can't win...winning isn't everything. Just getting out of bed has to be good enough some days.

Honestly, I'm a little embarrassed with my post...tried to delete it but it was too late. I'll make it some how...thanks to support from people like you and Dewey and Kelly.

Good luck to you, too...hang tough.

Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Top
#181809 - 09/22/07 10:00 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: trusty]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
russ i hope things get better-------------------enjoy hope springs------------------------------------steve


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#181840 - 09/23/07 08:31 AM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: sabata]
cat lover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 89
Loc: Denver, Colorado
It sounds like things are hard for you right now. We're here if you need us.


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#181852 - 09/23/07 09:23 AM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: trusty]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
It's easy to be embarassed by posts like these, especially later when you don't feel like you felt when you posted it anymore.

It's all good, though. No need to be embarassed.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#182627 - 09/27/07 01:13 AM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: BJK]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Russ I tried to PM you but I can't get it to work. Would you please PM me so that I could respond?


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#182764 - 09/27/07 12:29 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: trusty]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Russ,

Sometimes things just utterly suck and that's the end of the story. I used to feel defeated on those days, like I was failing and owed myself better, but hey, all that did was make things worse.

Originally Posted By: trusty
at least I'm not running away from everything any more...I am hanging in for the fight...even when I know I can't win...winning isn't everything. Just getting out of bed has to be good enough some days.


That's exactly it. If each day we can tell ourselves "I'm doing what I can" that's enough. Hang in there and know you aren't alone.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#182767 - 09/27/07 12:40 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: roadrunner]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
Everytime it does start to get better/easier, try to really take note of that. And the next time everything goes to shit, you can remind yourself more clearly of that moment and know that it WILL get better again. Know what i mean?

Til then -- you are not alone. We've all been right there, or worse. You'll get your strength back.

Love, TW


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#182852 - 09/27/07 03:51 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: testingWaters]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
thanks everybody...
i'm still low, but i hope i can get better soon...i do have hope. i went to my therapy this morning, and on the way i was thinking to myself that i wish i could see her twice a week when i'm like this. when i got in her office the first thing she needed to tell me was that my insurance will only pay for 30 visits a year, and that we only had 5 left until january. god, that about did me in...i started bawling like a kid. she assured me that she will ask for an extension...she knows there is no way i can spread these last 5 out....or just stop until january...so...i hope it can work out....otherwise it'll be some huge bucks i'll have to pay.

also, i'm seeing my psychiatrist in about 45 minutes....two weeks early....to talk about my mood and see if she wants to adjust my medications. i've just got to get out of this funk...can't stand much more of it like this.

it seems like the weeks are flying by without me...nothing gets done...i'm just existing...sleep...eat...fake my way through the day....put on a happy mask to go teach class...then back in the dark tunnel right afterwards....sucks.

well....thanks for listening.

russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#182863 - 09/27/07 04:07 PM Re: This is just too hard... *DELETED* [Re: trusty]
nicky Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 261
Post deleted by nicky

_________________________
i like the rain cause no one knows im crying

a strong man is one who is able to control himself when he is angry
what is your definiton of control?

i lay awake another hour
just like the one before
the shadows play a game with my head
i can't take this anymore

http://youtube.com/watch?v=x4EOw8wPBN8




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#182906 - 09/27/07 05:52 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: nicky]
SECfanMIKE Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/15/07
Posts: 172
Loc: South Carolina
RUSS -

I'm so sorry. I've been in some very deep, dark, painful places too. Sometimes each step up feels like more than I can find the energy for. Sometimes even getting out of bed before my Sweetie gets home from work and maybe taking a shower is a major victory.

Please forgive me for adding to your pain this weekend.

I love you, brother. I'll be praying for you if it's OK.

Mike <><

_________________________
"...for God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him..."

"...rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep..."

"...for the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost..."

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#182957 - 09/27/07 08:42 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: SECfanMIKE]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Russ i think the fact that you realize your in a funk and are wanting to get out of it is a very good sign that your on the right road.

Hang in their buddy,

Chris


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#182995 - 09/27/07 09:40 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: theatrekid]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
russ,

I going to repeat something earlier in this post.

Just a (((((Russ))))) for you.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#183014 - 09/27/07 11:13 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: TNuss]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
this place is amazing...to have such genuine support from my friends here means the world to me...thank you very much...i am blessed...you are really very dear friends.

love,
russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Top
#183516 - 09/30/07 04:43 AM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: trusty]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Russ,

Originally Posted By: trusty
Honestly, I'm a little embarrassed with my post...tried to delete it but it was too late. I'll make it some how...thanks to support from people like you and Dewey and Kelly.


I've been kind of overwhelmed lately - medical tests in Germany and then new mod duties. So I haven't been in the Gay Forum as often as I would have liked and I didn't see your post until this morning.

Russ, I read your first post on this thread as you feeling low and lost and calling out to be heard. There's nothing to be embarrassed about in that and I'm glad you did it.

I remember a lot of bad times when I just wanted so badly to talk and know someone was listening. That's all. Just listen to me someone, that"s what I was saying. We all need to be heard, I think, and we need to relearn the art of asking for support and understanding when we need it. That's another thing that's robbed from an abused boy; he learns to shut up and fear the consequences of being heard.

I hope you will continue to reach out when you need to. As you can see, you are heard and there are plenty of guys here who are listening and understanding every word, even more than those who post back to you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#187255 - 10/15/07 10:50 AM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: roadrunner]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
it's monday, and it's 10:45 in the morning and i just got out of bed...sometimes i wonder if i'm fueling my own misery by having given up my administrative job to have more time to work on myself.

i have so many conversations with myself each night about how i am NOT going to waste the next day...and then here i am.

in my defense (i know i don't need to "defend" myself here...i'm just spewing, i guess) i did have a killer headache and was up til 2:30 this morning trying to get rid of it.

anyhow...i'm gonna try to get my ass in gear...

...and...the WoR retreat at Hope Springs is Friday....YES...i can't wait.

thanks for listening,

Russ/Rej

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Top
#187258 - 10/15/07 11:02 AM Re: This is just too hard... *DELETED* [Re: trusty]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Post deleted by ttoon

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#187261 - 10/15/07 11:20 AM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: ttoon]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
crazy dave \:\)

you make me laugh.

thanks. c u soon.

russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#196607 - 12/25/07 02:41 PM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: BJK]
greatcharlie Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/15/07
Posts: 3
Today is christmas and I feel so alone, I woke up at 330 am and treked to church. I feel alone and that is not worth the effort today. I want to go hide but I'm at work. I've promised my sponser to go to this men's meeting but I'm tired if playing that ambiguous sexuality. I'm truly sick and tired of all this recovery crap AA ACOA AMAC two therapist and a pyschiatrist. I can't even cry anymore, and I know its me I'm surrounded by pretty good people flawed but good, but can't get any rest, I'm always emotionally tired.

I've given up a lot of unhealthy behavior, but I am waiting for the good stuff.

So I press on, tommorow is my first day at tje gym maybe that will help.

Hopefully,

Charles G

you're not alone


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#196651 - 12/26/07 07:03 AM Re: This is just too hard... [Re: BJK]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
*hug*

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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