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#180806 - 09/17/07 02:54 PM Why do I feel ashamed?
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Another one of those things I do not understand.

One of my incidents, when I was a little older (I think 9 or 10). I remember for one second that I liked it.

In fact, I still try to relive that moment. But that's a different story....

I don't understand why if I can understand that it was not my fault, I still feel ashamed. Why is it so hard to talk about it?

I can understand there is the element of enjoying it but if I accept myself as homosexual then where is the conflict?

I hope someone can shed some light on this?

The retreat I attended this weekend had a number of stories where shame was present and a big issue. In particular, it seems, men with sexual addiction. ANd because of my condition and lack of sexual experience, they were ashamed to tell ME.

WHY? I could never judge them for what they do. NEVER. Such wonderful men. They gave me support and held me in their arms. I was so afraid to talk in the group and socialize yet each of them approached me at different times and welcomed me into the group. Jim in particular he kept looking for me and bringing me back into the group. Thanks to him I was present and did not leave, physically nor emotionally.

HOw could I judge them? They showed who they are. I can see it. I don't mind if they cannot control their urges. They are working on them.

I don't understand either why this post suddenly took a turn.

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#180819 - 09/17/07 05:14 PM Re: Why do I feel ashamed? [Re: rcm]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
RCM -

I can only speak for myself when I tell you I can totally relate. It is so hard to say "I was sexually abused" because I still feel like a "naughty boy" after all these years. I feel like I knew at the time it was wrong and because I did not tell, for whatever reason, it became a secret that had to be kept. And when I did disclose to my sisters and my father, everytime I see them I think they are only thinking "Yuck, he was having sex when he was 10 - 12 with his brother!" I did enjoy it - and that does cause me great shame and guilt. And after that I became hooked on seeing myself bleed, I had to see blood on my leg and I made it happen - many, many times. That gives me great shame also.

And finally I acted out sexually - and I knew it was wrong but did it anyway. I am happily married - why would I risk everything for sex? I must be crazy! And to admit you are anything less then perfect in this society is admitting you are "weak". It is so hard to look someone in the eyes and say "I cut myself." or "I wanted to be raped. Again."

But like you I feel great compassion for others on this site. I posted that if I had 1/10th the compassion for myself that I do for others on this sight I would so much better.

And this post turned on you beacuse it is so much easier to focus on someone else. "Man I don't have a problem...but Billy there, he is F$#ked up!"

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#181454 - 09/20/07 05:07 PM Re: Why do I feel ashamed? [Re: kellygtx]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
RCM

I know how you feel. When my piano teacher was abusing me I liked it too - I was an active and willing participant! The fact that I was only 8 years old didn't mean anything to me then, but it sure does now. Yes, I liked what he did with/to me, but I don't like what he stole from me; he destroyed any chance I had of having a healthy, 'normal' adult sex life. He twisted me in ways that even now, 41 years later, are still affecting me. It doesn't matter that I enjoyed it, or even if I asked for it; it was his responisbility, his duty as an adult, NOT to do what he did with a kid.

You are lucky. I get the impression that you are still young, and you have time to put your abuse in it's proper perspective and move past it without ruining the rest of your life. I wish these kinds of resources had been available when I was in my teens and twenty's. Instead, I had to make my way as best as I could, never understanding why I was feeling and acting the way I was. And so, I'm dealing with it now, compounded by years and years of patterning. Take advantage of the help you will get here; you'll never regret it.

Best wishes to you,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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