so------------------i was so anxious for this to happen--------------------i finally got there------------------------i was overtaken-----------overwhelmed-------------i went home-----------------my world is so different now-----------i have this gut feeling-----------like i havent had in years-------------------i am so close to crying-------------------tears come to my eyes------------out of no where--------------------i am so afrade to go out in the world-----------------------dont know why----------------------------------i think this was a good experance for me========================as i am feeling something,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it isnt good,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but its something,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,maybe that is why they call this work.............................finally went by my work today--------------------to get my check----------------------------------i had arrange for the week off---------------------as i had no idea how i would react to this retreat thing--------------------------------------------been avoiding going by work--------------------------------boy everyone was so nice---------------------my boss shock my hand-------------------this is the first time when i shook anothers mans hand----------------------------------------------that i coulf feel his hand-------------------------------a mans hand---------------------------------------------i have no idea what thnis means----------------------------------------------i told my boss about being with men who cried----------------------he told me its ok for men to cry-------------------------than told me to enjoy the rest of my time off----------------------------this made my gut feeling go away for a short time------------------------------------------------------this is what i wanted-----------------to feel--------------------so i need to go with it------------not trying to numb out which could be so easy-----------------------thank you all ----------------------------who was there for allowing me to be there and experiance yours pain,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,steve

It was great to spend that time with you, Steve. Wish I could have taken the week off, but I'm outta vacation until the next fiscal year. No matter.

Andy

Steve,

It really is a nice thing to feel something -- even if its a bad something -- for a change. Sounds like you have a good supportive boss. I truly hope you find a way to stay with these feelings prior to heading back to work. I've been trying to work this week and it seems the only way I know how to work is to shut off feelings... I'm trying to mix the two but its really difficult.

P.S. Andy! Nice new avatar!

Steve,

Since you have the week off...try to let it flow...life will get back in the way, and you might not have an opportunity like this again for a while. If you need to call one of your small group, do it! Talking might help you process...in our short conversation, I found you were articulate, so get it out.

Peace,
Jorge

Let it happen, Steve. If you feel like crying, let yourself cry. Laugh, play, just be. You have had a lot to deal with this week coming back from the retreat. Take some time to just be.

You're an amazing guy and there are lots of us spread out across the country (and at least one in Canada) who admire your courage and are sending you hope.

I too am out of work this week because I am trying to find a new job (terrible timing) so I am around if you want to PM.

Life is happening to you right now -- stay with it and see where you wind up. And remember to notice that you are still breathing.

yea that breathing thing-----------need to remember that-----------------yea i am going with it prety much-----------------really havent turned on the tv---------------------which is unusal for me------------------i normally have it on all of the time----------------so i am dealing with silance----------------my choice-----------------------i think the hardest tiing for me----------------------being i live by myself-----------------i dont have much contack wth people-----------------except work----------------and i kinda have been content with that---------------------------but spending time with everyone-----------------------was such a new experance for me-----------------------------------------the bonding caring ect--------------------------then i came back to being by myself--------------------no big deal i just need to get use to it-----------------------------------i can recall as a boy i went to summer camp-----------------------i didnt wanted to go home--------------------------when i did get home i felt this very same way--------------took a few weeks to get over it then-----------------------------------i was pretty much a loner then also--------------not much people contact--------------------and my parents didnt do hugs----------------or touching------------that sort of stuff--------------------------------steve

Steve,

I like Dwayne's comment...just be Steve. Whatever you need to do - do it. Cry if you need to, talk if you can, but just be Steve for a bit.

I remember being in the same place for awhile. I was making progress but I had no idea what to do with it. I felt like I was reinventing myself, and that was confusing and VERY daunting indeed.

But Steve, what you are doing, and what I did, is just discovering the "real me". We have spent so many years compensating and closing down that doing this feels strange and confusing. But let me tell you - it's worth it!

Much love,
Larry

thanks-----------------larry-------------i have been doubting it latley--------------is it worth it---------------------------i guess it is------------------new feelings--------------real scary------------------------steve

thanks for putting that picture in your adivatar------------------------------dewey------------------it is so refreshing----------------------steve