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#178479 - 09/05/07 08:29 PM worn out
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I have recently moved and over the last several days i have felt sad and i have no idea and this bothers me because i have no real reason to feel like this although i have taken the huge chance in moving in with my fiancee.


I love her with all my heart but i am concerned witrh why i have been feeling this way with essentially no outside influences.

Whatever it is i can only hope it goes away and i get through it.

I am in therapy and i desperately want answers to this nagging feeling that i cant seem to shake or stop ruminating about.

Is it old tapes that play out in my head from my past which always cause me to feel threatened therefore always wondering why...???


Csa is so provocative and overwhelming that effects every aspect of my life and it is so rough to deal with and have no perspective in it.


Coopstah

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#178481 - 09/05/07 08:38 PM Re: worn out [Re: thecoopstah]
emptydreamer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
Hey coop,

I don't think it is unnatural to have some anxiety about moving in with your fiancee, in fact, it sounds totally normal to me.

You have taken a huge step. You are giving up your own space, to share the space between the two of you, and that has to cause some second thoughts, and some anxiety.

From what I can tell, you two have a very open relationship when it comes to communication and in the end, that goes a very long ways.

Just try to stay open, do your best to communicate what you are feeling with her, and if you don't feel able to do that, then come here and share with us! We care about you. We are interested in your issues, what ever they may be. Well, I think I can speak for others here, but I guess the right thing to say would be that I care, and I'm interested. There, I've corrected myself.

Best wishes and warmest regards,
Scott

_________________________
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

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#178485 - 09/05/07 08:50 PM Re: worn out [Re: thecoopstah]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rich,

Originally Posted By: thecoopstah
Is it old tapes that play out in my head from my past which always cause me to feel threatened therefore always wondering why...???


If we look back at what happens to an abused boy that may help you to understand what you are going through. Unless he comes from a totally dysfunctional home a young boy will see the world as a safe place for him, one where really bad things don't happen to him. So when he is abused the contrast is shocking and brutal: the world suddenly feels very dangerous and it seems that harm can reach out to him any time from anywhere.

On top of this, a young boy's world is intensely egocentric: it's central reality is himself and what he wants and needs, and it's central feature is the story of how he is learning to get these things. When things go wrong, however, this focus on himself remains, and as a result his first conclusion will be that he himself has done something wrong. The same will happen when he is abused; often aided or encouraged by the abuser, he will blame himself and ask a whole host of questions that center on the assumption that everything is his fault.

It's a rough task closing down all those tapes, and even tougher getting them pried out of the tape player. But it does help us at least to recognize that old tapes of false lessons are at the heart of the matter, rather than things that are wrong with us in reality.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#178512 - 09/05/07 10:37 PM Re: worn out [Re: roadrunner]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
why are you so full of outside opinions in that i can never understand how you can go off on tangines that essentially have nothing to do with me or my post(s) whatsoever.

Who knows maybe it's me afterall i have been wrong before although as i mentioned not verbatum you are real hard to understand,sensible yet hard to absorb your replies.


Coopstah

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#178513 - 09/05/07 10:41 PM Re: worn out [Re: emptydreamer]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I truly appriciate your awesome insight into why i could be feeling this way and it makes sense to me big time.

Do you think it has alot to do with "fear" ....do you think it also has alot to do with my self esteem and confidence level with her and myself.


She has given me no reason whatsoever to think i am making a mistake.

I have never been happier.

Do you see the "fear" in what i talk about on here and do you really believe lisa and i communicate pretty good because i believe we do.The clarity that i am able to see is i'm not alone therefore i come here to vent.

Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#178668 - 09/06/07 02:17 PM Re: worn out [Re: thecoopstah]
emptydreamer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
I think that fear is a strong word, and may be confused with anxiety. Both produce similar responses. I guess the difference would be the level of concern you may be experiencing at any given time.

While I don't really know you or your relationship, I can only go by the posts I've read from you here and that is what gives me the idea that your relationship seems to be open, and in pretty good shape. Truly though, only you and she can be the judge of that.

And finally, venting is a good thing, and there is no better place than here to do so, I find it very relieving when I do the same thing.

Best wishes and warmest regards,
Scott

_________________________
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

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#178724 - 09/06/07 04:52 PM Re: worn out [Re: emptydreamer]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
You seem like a real caring young man who is a great listener and understands what it's like to struggle with the feelings that surface for us even when they're positive ones at that.


i just got back from therapy and it was real interesting i was able to really speak about how rough it is to be in a relationship although it is well worth it.


she's an amazing woman who i plan on spending the rest of my life with only of course if she puts up with me.

Coopstah

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#179161 - 09/08/07 02:53 PM Re: worn out [Re: thecoopstah]
emptydreamer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
Damn Coop,

I haven't been referred to as a "young man" for so long, you made my day.

I couldn't have described my relationship any better than you did with that last sentence!!

I plan.........but only IF!!

Best wishes and warmest regards,
Scott

_________________________
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

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#179188 - 09/08/07 09:12 PM Re: worn out [Re: emptydreamer]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
Well i have to say i try and stay in the present especially lisa and i and our future together.

I feel pretty confident in and happy with our relationship.

However i know as long as i keep working on myself and the issues i know she and i will indeed be together forever.

You can't be much older then me although i have been wrong before and damn sure will/can be wrong again...i'm 38 how old are you....


Coopstah

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#181335 - 09/20/07 03:28 AM Re: worn out [Re: thecoopstah]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

Any move can bring anxiety, especially when it's something bringing you towards what you hope will be even more long-term commitment than before. Sometimes when we should be happiest the feelings aren't falling in line that way. And maybe there's nothing really wrong.
Uncertainty can make easy things seem hard, as I've seen in my own life. I hope I'm not going off on a tangent (yes, that's the word), but instead, addressing anxiety and uncertainty that seems to be underneath. And outside pressures aren't necessary for anxiety to be present (since we are often our worst critics).
I have no doubt that since you care so much about the woman you're with, you want to do the right things so much that you can only be uncertain (especially if you're not getting clear signals from those you care about). Again, I don't know your situation very well, so I can only comment on what seems most likely, given what you've said, and the feedback that's already here.
Please don't be too hard on Larry. I'm sure he's trying to help. This time he probably just missed the important points (for you). I only hope I've gotten closer, though I too have filters to watch out for. I've had some very stressful moves, and many with a great deal of uncertainty attached.
It doesn't sound like the living situation bothers you nearly as much as the anxiety of someting different. That's an uncertainty most of us know something about. Whether it has real connection with past abuse, I don't know, unless it's just a trust issue. Hope that's helpful.

Ed


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