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#181198 - 09/19/07 12:20 PM Had enough
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
I HAVE WELL AND TRULY HAD ENOUGH

H A D E N O U G H


How can my bf expect me to be able to commit to this relationship while he's still adamant that he fancies men more than women??????????????????????????????????????????????????I told him he'll have to go off and sort his head out. I can no longer be the measure by which he's trying to figure out exactly what his sexuality is. I see NO DAMN REASON how on earth I could possibly have been expected to be anything other than a total emotional wreck this year, yet THAT is the reason he is using for this 'problem'. SO BE IT. It IS despreately sad that my children will have to suffer because of this, but it seems to me now that he's got to figure this out on his own. It is no good to stand there and tell me he wants to be withe me because he loves me, whilst on the other hand spouting words which leave me feeling like a worthless peice of crap.


I said I just can't commit to this any more. I DID NOT stand by his side through all this shit trying to help him sort out his identity issue only to be hearing THIS at the end of it. I CERTAINLY couldn't have sex anymore.



I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY I WANT TO SCREAM. WHAT ABOUT OUR KIDS FOR FUCKS SAKE??!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE SMASHING THE FUCKING HOUSE IN. FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT.



Thank God I have a session with my T tonight.

I would like to ask for strength to stand by this decision. I know i can no longer be a good mother under the circumstances, so this has got to give now and all I want to do is cry and cry and cry and scream and shout...................THIS IS NOT FAIR. I may have been far from perfect, but i know i deserve more than this.....


Maybe he'll decide he does want to be with a woman, maybe not. I'm sick to death of his sexuality issues. I am BORED to fucking death with them.


I would rather be single and struggling, than live this stupid lie, which is how it feels to me right now.


Who would have thought that life would be so unfair? And mostly for our children.....:(



I am sorry for all the swearing, but really I've reached the end of my tether and desperately need to vent someplace...


peace
Beccy


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#181199 - 09/19/07 12:33 PM Re: Had enough [Re: beccy]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
My Friend -

You can stand by your decision!

You can be a good mother, with or without your boyfriend!

You can cry and scream!

You do deserve more!

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#181203 - 09/19/07 01:13 PM Re: Had enough [Re: kellygtx]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Beccy;

It's okay to let it all out, you've got us all as friends. We listen, we talk you down, chat you up....and sometimes to the best of everyone's capability walk you through it.

I know a lot about getting out of a relationship for reason's beyond your control. All to well.

I'm here anytime for you.

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#181209 - 09/19/07 01:34 PM Re: Had enough [Re: Agape Girl]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Beccy:

((((safe hug))))

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#181212 - 09/19/07 01:43 PM Re: Had enough [Re: Agape Girl]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Beccy,

Get out and get out fast, but get out smart. Maybe time apart is just what the doctor ordered to make things better, whether you come back together or not, it has to be better than what is. OK, let me revise my first statement, you don't get out of your home, he does. Not because I'm choosing sides, but because of your children. One person can relocate must faster and with greater ease than a family.

I think its time to sit down, with clear heads and calm voices and just do a business transaction. Figure out the money and who will pay what. Decide on an amount of support for you and the children and how much time he'll be spending with them and where. If you have to work, who will provide the daycare or after school care. This is all important stuff that has the potential to flair into a nightmare, but it can be controlled. I know this from first hand experience and because of what I do.

Beccy, I think it's way past the time where you have to think of you and your children only. Your view of yourself, your life now and where it will go can not continue to be tied to your b/f's problems and the way he sees you because it is creating impossible problems for you as a couple and as an individual to overcome. I think this probably holds true for both of you.

You can't cut ties - you have children together and a great responsibility to those children, but you can and must for your sake and theirs, make a break from one another that is as amicable and peaceful as possible, if a break is definitely where you're headed.

It's perfectly OK to cry and scream and shout and break shit if you feel like it (I once threw every drinking glass in the house over the balcony! It felt really good to hear the glass smash and I was giggling up a storm by the time I was done. Until that is I had to replace them all).

What you're going through now is like a weird kind of grieving process, but you haven't really suffered the whole loss yet; it's just falling apart piece by piece so you don't have the opportunity to properly grieve and heal and grow. Iím sorry this is happening Beccy. Do whatís best for you and the kids.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#181233 - 09/19/07 03:09 PM Re: Had enough [Re: Trish4850]
healingpartner Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407
(((((Beccy))))


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#181235 - 09/19/07 03:17 PM Re: Had enough [Re: beccy]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Originally Posted By: beccy
I would rather be single and struggling, than live this stupid lie, which is how it feels to me right now.


beccy the fact that you have kids together makes it much harder to just move on. He will alse be the Father of your children. If your partner isn't acting on those feeling than it isn't a lie. I don't know your partner or any thing about his abuse but all I can say is takes time and ones facances have nolthing to do with ones LOVE.

Does he still show you his LOVE in other than sexual ways??? Is he honest and truthful with you? That is what counts the most at this time.

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#181239 - 09/19/07 03:34 PM Re: Had enough [Re: Muldoon]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11055
Loc: Denver, CO
Beccy,

"Who would have thought that life would be so unfair?"

This line really speaks to me, especially lately.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#181245 - 09/19/07 04:52 PM Re: Had enough [Re: FormerTexan]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thankyou for all your support.


He has gone now.


We have organised regular daily contact with the children and financially he will still support us, at least for the time being. There are some basic routine things he'll still do with the kids, so hopefully that will help them through this. As you know, i come from a broken home myself, so this is devastating for me, but I no longer felt it was a choice.



Muldoon, I do know what you mean. believe me, I've done all the reading, all the thinking, understanding. I understand the possible reasoning of it all, but underneath that understanding is my feelings. And my feelings have become too hard to live with. In fact, they have too hard to live with for some time. It hurts not to believe that you are special in this way to your partner, you know? It really hurts...... My heart is telling me I've reached the point where I can't do it any more. I can't put myself into this any more. I can no longer function as an effective partner. And therein lies the truth. Therefore to stay together is a lie. For me.


I have been a good partner and I have really tried....perhaps to the detrement of my own good and therefore our own good, since it appears I too have plenty of issues/problems. Also much of my true emotions surrounding this whole past 6 years. which I seem to have put 'on hold'. The thing is, I shared every part of myself with him right from the start and I feel truly destroyed by everything.


I understand my bf is still working through his recovery, so nothing is certain at this point....perhaps he'll figure some stuff out and find a way to make things right again.....or perhaps not. I really have no idea. It would take a lot, but I'd take him back if he convinced me. On the other hand, maybe he'll choose to be with someone else and never come back to me.......either way, it wasn't a choice for me anymore. Just a necessity in order to find some sanity for myself again.



Ok, so I am shaken right now. Totally daunted by the possibilty of being a single mother. But I need to be strong now. I have to be ok. Fight the anxiety....



peace
Beccy


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#181254 - 09/19/07 05:46 PM Re: Had enough [Re: beccy]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
((((((Beccy)))))))

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#181255 - 09/19/07 05:51 PM Re: Had enough [Re: Muldoon]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Beccy -

I bid YOU Peace.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

Top
#181258 - 09/19/07 05:59 PM Re: Had enough [Re: kellygtx]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thanks Guys...


I think I have just realised my own needs by doing this, but yet I sit here feeling horrible. He's only been gone a few hours and already I seem to miss his near-ness. I have written him a letter telling him I love him, but need for things to be less confusing in order to be a happy person and a healthy partner. I don't want him to feel I don't love him.



peace
Beccy


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#181261 - 09/19/07 06:19 PM Re: Had enough [Re: beccy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
{{{{{Beccy}}}}} You'll be OK because you want to be OK. You work at it constantly and it is not a losing battle, I believe that and you'll get to the point where you can believe it too. It's OK and entirely proper to be sad and miserable. Just because you are the one who made the decision doesn't make it hurt any less. So let yourself hurt and don't expect too much of yourself right away. In time that smile will creep back onto your face and you won't even realize it was ever gone.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#181269 - 09/19/07 07:11 PM Re: Had enough [Re: Trish4850]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Trish is absolutely correct.....one day at a time, even one second at a time, how's that line go?

"Put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the door" (not literally but you get the idea)

(((((((((Group HUG)))))))))))))

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#181426 - 09/20/07 01:26 PM Re: Had enough [Re: Agape Girl]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Hey, Beccy--
You've been struggling for a while with all of this. I'm sorry it's all so hard!
But you are still, no matter what, a very capable and loving woman and a responsible mother. It is OK to stick up for yourself and honor your convictions. More than OK--essential.
It's very hard not to know what will happen next; we always think it's possible to arrange our lives so that there's certainty. Now you know (again) that this is not true.
Be not afraid: you have done many hard things already in your life, and you can do this too, however it all turns out.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#181483 - 09/20/07 09:39 PM Re: Had enough [Re: Muldoon]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Beccy,

I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is. But I do promise you that after you feel totally bummed and wonder if it really was that bad, you'll start to find yourself and you'll start to be happy with the chaos and pain and fighting gone.

It's been almost 4 months for me and it has been hard but things are falling into place. I'm sure you'll get there too.

I'm sure you are and always will be a wonderful mother and that will not change if you do become a single mother. My relationship with my sons has become so much closer because I don't have my husbands crap getting in the way, it's just them that I concentrate on now.

I believe in you and I know you can do it. I really do know what your going through and it's tough right now.

Your in my thoughts,
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#181488 - 09/20/07 10:00 PM Re: Had enough [Re: Muldoon]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hi Beccy,

Sorry to hear about you and the place that your in. What your going through has to be a very difficult situation to deal with. I can relate to the situation somewhat as I too have had to deal with some of the same issues your bf has struggled with. And, being married, I certainly can see your side of the situation.

I guess for me it is important to see you doing what you need to do for you. That is the right thing to do and you seem to be handling things the way they need to be handled.

I can only commend you for your strength, for choosing to take care of yourself in such a difficult time. I think that is a good start and by so doing, everything else will fall into place as it needs to. I only wish you the best.

Barney


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#181527 - 09/21/07 08:07 AM Re: Had enough [Re: Barney]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thanks for the moral support HG, Angie, Barney.....


Yesterday I began to worry I'd done the wrong thing.....had terrible insomnia last night......gave bf my letter yesterday. Later on he said he had one to give to me too.....today he still hasn't given me one....said he didn't finish it.....I don't know why I feel so upset by this...



Today I feel very low.



peace
Beccy


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#181592 - 09/21/07 01:08 PM Re: Had enough [Re: beccy]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Hi, Beccy,
Have you ever gone back to review your posts here, or anything else that gives you a record of what you have been feeling and thinking in the past few months?
I know, I always want to keep a journal myself but I never have done so consistently.
But my idea is that if you look back as best as you can--to documents that you actually wrote then, because of course it's hard to recreate ourselves accurately in retrospect--I suspect that you will see a picture emerge. What I see in particular is someone with a more and more solid sense of self, able to understand where you leave off and where other people begin. Yep, boundaries, and you're doing very well with recalibrating them, I think.
I also see someone who is doing better with being patient with herself and with the process of living. Sure, I sympathize-- when I'm miserable I want the discomfort to stop as soon as possible (like yesterday). But it seems to me that you're developing a sense of baseline stability: today is a bad day, maybe, but tomorrow might not be. And in any case, you can cope with what comes.
Yes, it's rotten, and yes, I feel for you in your heartache. But there is much about your life that is still OK. And you and your children will be OK, no matter what develops over the long term for you and your BF.
Ten years from now--heck, even two--you'll have an entirely different perspective. That might not make it easier to accept the uncertainty now. But remember to give yourself credit for having already accomplished many challenging things in your life. Here's another challenge; you can meet it.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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