The smile that is always there, no matter what, waiting for the next crisis to arrive to say 'It will be ok. Don't worry, we will be fine; I will take care of it.' And I hurry along cleaning up what messes are left behind, swallowing pride, making excuses and assuming blame. Don't worry, the smile won't fade no matter how bad, how deep the pain, the smile is always there. The silent strength of that smile, holding all together.
Who would have guessed it was an instrument of death? Acting as a guard to never allow the true feelings out. No. Must protect. I am expendable.
So each time the smile works its magic, a little piece of me dies. Each time I become less significant. After all, the smile is what is important. It is what is needed. Dying inside is a small price to pay for the happiness of others, right?
What ever you want dear...the montra I have begun to hate. I was on life support but friends who saw wouldn't pull the plug. The insisted I fight back...Actually said I was worth something. Worth saving...me.
So I have begun to regain consciousness and now the pain is setting in. And realizations..."Your self-esteem has been shattered. Your self-image is skewed' says my t. But even that can't be just about me. No, it is twisted to be about you. After all everything always has been. The smile told you that. The good submissive wife-the towels you like, the music you like, down to household cleaners-all about you and your wishes.
Well, right now the smile is gone. And ice has set in. How dare you kill mle and claim to love me! How dare you watch me die and not give a damn! How dare you destroy the woman I was! How dare you reduce me to nothing! You don't listen if its not what you want to hear--but I would settle down and hush up. That was my role in all of this. I allowed it.
But no more. I will scream from the rooftops if necessary, but you will hear me. I can't make you listen, but I can make damn sure you hear me.
I am reclaiming me. I don't know exactly what that means, BUT I WILL FIND OUT. And guess what...for the first time this is all about me....
something I had to get out. Lorie