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#171901 - 08/08/07 08:53 AM Need to vent my story
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
First of all I need to express gratitude to all of the members and survivors here. Your stories connect with me and have resurrected my own history. I need to finally deal with my demons. I can clearly see my screwed up thinking and behaviors are not just me but it is the M.O. of CSA, especially in some cases gay male survivors. In my current therapy, I am learning to see my traditional behaviors of confusion and not belonging in social settings. I feel awkward... I am discovering the distorted beliefs I hold onto for coping and re-creating the cycle of abuse. As soon as men talk to me I have this distorted belief they can only want me for a sexual favor. After all, why else are they talking to me? It goes to low self-esteem and self loathing. It also goes to the confusion and myth that sex equals love. I believed that sex meant I was liked and had value. I do not know how to connect with people, especially males in a healthy way. For me most friendships always had an underlying motive of sex. I am recently discovering that because I expect it to happen, it often does present itself like I give off that energy. I just want to stop the insanity. I want to heal. I want to grow as a man and have self-respect. I have been sexually abstinent for months and plan to avoid sex and dating until I can practice just being in non sexual situations and start to see there is more to human interactions than sexual outcomes.





Edited by Danbuff (08/11/07 04:53 PM)
_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#171906 - 08/08/07 09:45 AM Re: Need to vent my story [Re: Danbuff]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Dan,
Wow. You're dealing with so much. I'm thankful for your sake that you do have a wonderful therapist. The incestual abuse is often described as the worst kind, because our family members are who we should be able to trust the most.

I'm dealing with pain from my siblings, many of whom want me to forgive my brother for abusing me. I thought I had forgiven him for over 40 years, but what I did was pocket away the pain. It has erupted now, and the anger is present, and I need time to find the place inside me that will allow forgiveness.

Patience. That is something I sense that you have. We must be strong. And, you seem to understand where the pain comes from. That is a good first step. Keep sharing. We're here for you.

Blessings,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#171907 - 08/08/07 09:53 AM Re: Need to vent my story [Re: trusty]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Dan,

I'm sorry for all the turmoil you've been though, and I'm glad you had the strength to get it out in the open and talk about it here. You have a wonderful support group here, and I hope you'll come here often to vent, get things off your chest, gain insight through the other people here, and just chat with a friend. You are welcome here.

You've already taken many of the hard steps, my friend and the prognosis for you is good! I wish you all the joy you can find.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#180489 - 09/15/07 08:10 PM Re: Need to vent my story [Re: Lazarus]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
I have just returned to the site after more than three weeks away. I have often thought about returning earlier but have been busy with school. I logged in today because I need some support. I sometimes feel disconnected from people and this helps in some way.

I guess my main point is I need to re post my story someday. I posted it briefly and then edited it out for fear that I was too revealing. I worried about reactions to certain parts. I am blown away by some of the candor I read and the amazing supportive replies. So in time I will get back on the bike and ride again.
Peace ,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#180590 - 09/16/07 01:32 PM Re: Need to vent my story [Re: Danbuff]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Dan,
There certainly is an ebb and flow to the work we feel like accomplishing in recovery. So, I understand you when you state you can get overwhelmed (blown away) by what you read.

You can say anything you want here...it's just that you have to be ready to put it out there. So, try not to feel pressure to do things too early. A little at a time is fine. I too often think about what I want to say in my posts, but don't always do it when it comes right down to "doing it". I've never really posted my survivor story, for example. Someday I'm sure I will.

So, basically, please know that you'll find support here...at whatever place you are...whenever you want it.

I, for one, am very glad you've come back to the site after these three weeks away.

Peace to you,
REJ/Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#181054 - 09/18/07 06:31 PM Re: Need to vent my story [Re: Danbuff]
ca_tallguy Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/02/07
Posts: 17
Loc: California

I can relate to the apprehension about others motives -- can relate very well. You're not alone! I don't have any answers for you as I'm working through it, but I'm glad that I've noticed it and can talk with my therapist about it. Now that I've thought about where it's coming from -- I think not wanting to be trapped or manipulated as I was with my perp -- it may be possible for me to think more rationally about it rather than have a gut reaction of being on guard all the time. I dunno!


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