OK...here goes. My story is simple yet complicated and I believe that the reason that it is most complicated is that, with me, as with most of us, what happens, happens. Then you have a lifetime of it living on in your head. Distorting what's true and what's covering fog, what actually happened becomes colored by how it was perceived.
This is going to be fast and disjointed. Everything started with my cousin (same age) introducing me to his father's extensive collection of pornography and truth or dare around the same time. You can fill in the details, but starting then, age 8 or so, and on acting out became something we did every chance we got. Ongoing, i didn't feel like a victim, but it was all consuming as I had a porn stash from that time as well. And we're not talking about "tastefully done" either.
I acted out, to some extent on many, many occasions. With whomever wanted to, but I was very paranoid of getting caught so I was really careful. I would sneak in and touch my sisters friends while they slept. I fantasized constantly.
I got a physical exam when I was 14 with a hack country doctor, who may or may not have been an abuser but was at least ridiculously unprofessional, that freaked me out beyond any imagination. My mother thought I was on something.
All this lead to more issues than i can name, but I was so good at compartmentalizing (I'm a preacher's kid) that I was able to appear mostly stable.
The rest of the story is familiar, sex addiction and all its empty pursuits and dead end rabbit trails.
Then i met my wife, got serious about my faith, and finally after almost losing it completely over some doctor examinations that I couldn't ignore I saw a counselor. My story was out, no more secret. Everything that had been in darkness had been brought into the light...by me!
Now I'm dealing with my parents, who have mentioned the letter that I wrote to them telling them everything that happened only once in passing. If we don't talk about it, they can continue to pretend it didn't happen. More from my mom, since the only sin in the world is stirring up family issues. Oh well, that's how they deal with it, I'm handling things fine.
Psalm 73:26 says "my flesh and my heart will fail, but God is my strength and my portion forever"...I cling to that. God and my wife are the only way that I'm able to hold on honestly.
I've been triggering big time the past couple of days, since I detected another problem (same problem as before actually) that I probably should go to the doctor for. I haven't told my wife yet, because she'll just say go do it, and get it over with. This is a good idea, and I'm sure it will come to that. I thought this might help. I'm going to the counselor tonight, but my wife's been going with me and I just can't open up about that stuff when she's there. Anyway, that's all I've got this day.