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#180943 - 09/18/07 11:41 AM ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
***Possible Triggers***
These questions deal with anal sex
Proceed at your own risk

***************************************************

Actually I have two questions and I am uncomfortable and embarrased to ask but here it goes.

I noticed myself doing something when I shower which is to throughly clean myself. It is not because I find that pleasurable. I just happened to notice that I clean and clean and wash. I also do this after going to the bathroom (number 2).
God I hope I am expressing this correctly, I am very embarrased even to type it.

So I was wondering if anyone else is compulsive about cleaning down there. It suddenly dawned on me that I was doing it. I guess the meaning, why I'd be doing this is interesting in itself.

The other thing is that I have never been able to have anal sex. I have been a top a few times but never a bottom. And I know I'd love to try it to surrender and feel pleasure. But every time (and there haven't been many times) that I've tried, I freak out. I freeze. If someone is intimate with me and tries to do it, even gently, get his penis even close to my anus I just freak out. Also with his hands, but it seems worse with a penis.

And it so frustrating to want something badly and not being able to do anything about it.

_________________________
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Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
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#180976 - 09/18/07 01:13 PM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: rcm]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
rcm,

I will tell you, I am a 43yo GWM and I have been out for about 20 years. (5 years of playing on the sly prior to coming out) I was raped at the age of 13, by an adult male. It was a very painful penetration.

As a gay male, I find many people expect gays to be focused on the anus. I am what you would call an exclusive "top". I even hate the sensation of having a very large and hard BM. (#2) I will take laxatives to avoid firm stool, but I am very self-consciuos about how clean my anus is. This has led to the thought that I should have stock in a TP company. (LOL)

I have had a very full and sometimes wild sex life, even though I am not a "bottom". I have had two occasions where I attempted to receive, but both times I freaked and put a stop to it. Now I just accept the fact that anal sex is not for me.

The one statement that you made that sticks out in my mind:

And I know I'd love to try it, to surrender and feel pleasure

This sends up red flags for me, the fact that you think of anal as a "surrender", makes me cringe. We all were victims in the past, and we are dealing with that lack of control over a situation. Maybe some of your trouble having anal sex, is that same mental fear of giving up control. You may want to try it, but your mind is throwing up the road blocks that seem to cause you to "freak".

Try and look at anal sex as something you are allowing your partner to do. This should give you the control over the act. Talk to your partner and explain you need to set the pace and control the situation. If your partner loves you, he should follow your wishes.

Just some thoughts. Hope you find them helpful.

Take care,
Carl





_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#180983 - 09/18/07 01:34 PM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: Scoutvictim]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Carl,
What is BM?
I don't have a partner
Guess that makes this harder?

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#181064 - 09/18/07 07:24 PM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: rcm]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
rcm....

Ok.... a Bowel Movement or BM.

Also known as #2, floating a log, dropping the kids at the pool or taking a dump. ROTFLMAO

When I talk about a partner, I am not only talking about a long term love interest. I just hate to use the terms "trick" or "hook up". I would hope any person you meet, that you want to share sex with, would be willing to talk first. You don't have to give details about your CSA, but talk through what your willing to do. I know during the heat of the moment, this can cool things off a bit. If you want to have anal sex with this person, then you and he should respect each other enough to set boundries.

Good Luck,
Carl

P.S. I also love your little alligator. It made me chuckle when you made the post about the bunny rabbit. I was thinking the poor bunny, with the way your little guy was licking his chops.







_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#181072 - 09/18/07 07:44 PM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: Scoutvictim]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
ok now i have even MORE questions

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#181105 - 09/18/07 09:34 PM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: rcm]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Ask away!


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#181120 - 09/18/07 10:12 PM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: Dewey2k]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Thank you Dewey.
So the thing with cleaning down there is 'normal'?
I don't think I am obssesed but I noticed myself this morning as I showered. I probably do exaggerate a little bit.
Sometimes I will even shower after having a BM .... because I feel I am not clean and feel terribly uncomfortable with that.

The other thing, after talking to Carl on the chat today. I think I have gotten to a point where I don't see the difference between getting aroused when surrendering or feeling power over someone else and giving pleasure.

I feel so confused. Maybe like I have been doing things one way and all of a sudden I realize there is something different. I don't even know if my approach is 'perverted'?????

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#181169 - 09/19/07 09:56 AM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: rcm]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Perverted is an ugly word used to bash ourselves when we do something that we feel is abnormal or something that we feel badly about. I don't like it for that reason. We judge ourselves too harshly, often unnecessarily, and to use a word that we associate with perpetrators is just wrong.

I think you're in a learning phase where you're discovering all sorts of things about yourself. Try not to judge yourself on each item you find. Rather, make a note of them without judgment, and then look at yourself using the whole picture every now and then. I think you'll find that the things you are discovering about yourself make more sense in terms of what happened to you, and then you can give that little boy inside a break.

If you have power and domination issues, then it is something to be addressed in therapy. Some of the guys here might be able to help you, and I'll let them speak for themselves. If you can go into more detail as to what those issues are, you might be able to get better feedback.


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#181174 - 09/19/07 10:42 AM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: Dewey2k]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I think you will find that your strong desire for bodily cleanliness (especially there) is quite normal. I think most of my friends would admit to being a bit excessive with that region such as you describe. I myself have gotten to the point where I don't even like to go if I can't use something to wet the tissue paper. Adding a dab of water just makes it work 10 times better. Dry paper is not out of the question but I'll avoid it if possible. My neighbor keeps a box of flushable moist wipers on his toilet tank, and those things are pretty nice.

I think as long as you are not being so excessive that you are causing damage to the delicate skin, you are just fine.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#181232 - 09/19/07 03:05 PM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: cbfull]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
RCM...sorry to come into this so late.

I too am a total Top....no bottoming at all. Also my partner (total bottom of course) is very clean and cleans his bottom obsessively!! There is nothing wrong with it...he has always wanted to be clean and to be honest it make for spontinaety when we want to "play" cause he is always clean. I have been with bottoms who dont clean out regularly and they had to before we "played"...its a bit of a mood crusher. Also every guy I have been with uses flushable wipes.

But on the anal tip...Anal sex is not neccessary to be gay!! I know 3 couples who do no anal sex at all...all oral. Its what ever makes the two happy and while you have no partner...when you find one he may have to accept you dont want anal. If thats what you want. If he really loves you he will be with you reguardless. I told my partner if he were to tell me no anal sex one night...ever again...i would be with him no matter cause I love him.

Just my two cents.
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#181315 - 09/20/07 12:24 AM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: Dewey2k]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Thank you Deweye I think the word came out too strongly but it did come out that way.
I will post separately about power issues.
This has really been an eye opener.

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#181317 - 09/20/07 12:29 AM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: pain4ever]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Brian I agree that anal sex is not necessary but I really want to do it and freak out every time I have tried. I have not been able to do so and it's frustrating. So I can understand that a couple may not be interested but the truth is ... I am. I can get by without it (after all I have always been like this) but I'd like to try it.

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

Top
#181347 - 09/20/07 07:00 AM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: Dewey2k]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Thanks Dewey and all for your input. It has been extremely helpful. I have more questions ....

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

Top
#181348 - 09/20/07 07:00 AM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: rcm]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
RCM...

Funny thing is I dont get the whole bottoming thing...there are too many blocks in my head from the abuse. I have tried it a couple times and i went straight into flashbacks. If you can figure out how to stop falshbacks and the feelings from the abuse being triggerred by anal sex, let me know!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#181349 - 09/20/07 07:07 AM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: pain4ever]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Ok on to the power and domination issues.

I have not had a lot of experience with anal sex. It has alwyas horrified me. Even when I was dating women although I thought that was related to the fact that I didn't want to put my penis inside a woman, I later realized that I had the same anxiety with a man.

I have been able to do it and get very aroused penetrating but only when I am playing a very dominant role. This can involve for example, penetrating someone who is smaller physically than me. I like the sensation of been able to lift them up for example and carry them. Obviously I have to do this with someone who is smaller than me, at least a couple of inches and a few pounds lighter. I don't care much about age, although usually I gravitate to someone around my age or older.

I also fantasize about being the person in the scene above, who is being dominated. For this, obviously I have to find someone who appears older and bigger. Definitely has to be older or at least looks older. I don't think it'd be the same even if the guys was taller and heavier if I perceived him as younger than me.

The idea of a bigger man, heavier, taller, older who is playing a dominant role is very arousing.

But that's not all. I am not a submissive person. It's not my nature. I don't like it when my lover tries to 'force' something. I get very angry. For example, I was once dating a guy who tended to be dominant. He was into kissing and I wasn't (never have been). He'd take my head with his hand and try to kiss me. I think he was gentle but firm, but still I hated that. Being forced to do something.

I hope all this is making sense.

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

Top
#181381 - 09/20/07 10:21 AM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: pain4ever]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
its actually pretty normal for gay guys to clean there. if you dont clean there and are a bottom... its messy. so it can range to cleaning in the shower to regular enimas. don't fret my pet.


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#181382 - 09/20/07 10:26 AM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: Jarrad]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
oh and on the domination stuff... some guys are naturally a top. and some guys are naturally a bottom. and some guys can do both. there is nothign wrong with any of the roles. if you want to do the whole bottoming thing, it might be wise to try toys at home first, by yourself, so you dont have to freak out in front of other people. toys will also help you get used to the sentation of having a dick in your ass.

p.s. you can still be dominant male if you are the botttom. "i want you to fuck me." or "give it to me now." etc. just because you are the one getting fucked doesnt mean you are surrendering at all.


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#181421 - 09/20/07 01:19 PM Re: ***Possible Triggers*** Questions about sex [Re: Jarrad]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
LOL..Jarrad I agree on the being a dominant bottom....sometimes my partner gets that way...he acts very dominant...even though i am the one "pitching". He will get on top with me on my back....very agressive. I think we switch it up as far as who is the "aggressor"....He likes to be dominated but sometimes I feel like I am abusing him so I will take a more passive role.

The thing is to find what your comfortable with...you dont have to follow any "rules".

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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