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#180852 - 09/17/07 11:41 PM wracked with guilt
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I want to first tell all of you,you're remarkable woman/men to help me understand from a womans/mans as well perspective the damage i can/will do if lisa finds out about this manipulitive ways with naked pics from the "other woman" who i could ultimately end up in the shittubes as a result of my careless behavior.

I do however like porn but i also am very aware that it's one thing to view it once in awhile it's another to view it often then i know i shouldn't be.

On the other hand looking at those pics from the other woman could indeed devivstae her and for me to do this would truly rip me apart and although i know,as others have told me many times have a way with words i can tell you as sure as i know my own name i am feeling real bad about this entire incident i caused.

My hope is ( and it will be if i stay true to myself) is to cut all ties with this self defeating behavior.

Do you agree with me(although i essentially don't need your approval) when i type can you see and feel the meaning behind the "words" ....i know words are words but i also i feel terrible and if i can cut all connections with her i can somehow in the future tell her(lisa that is) what i did,although she and i have had this agreement with each other "say what's on your mind and we'll clean it up later" ....sounds good i know but it is really bothering me to even let it out not to mention how it might come across.


I know in some form or other i cheated(or did i) and i feel like a fuckin hypocrite therefore i'll talk at length with my therapist and see what she thinks or feels i should do...

I DO NOT want any secrets in our relationship and at this point i think this is precisely one.

what do you think

do you feel i should tell her

do you think it's better off left alone

i'm not sure if it will help or hurt her


i am filled with fear whenever i look in her eyes because i am awaiting for her to confront me with it then i am really fucked....i need some help.


Any suggestions would really make a difference for me in my life and lisa's especially.


Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#180853 - 09/17/07 11:59 PM Re: wracked with guilt [Re: thecoopstah]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
Quote:
I DO NOT want any secrets in our relationship and at this point i think this is precisely one.


Quote:
do you feel i should tell her


... hey coop ... you just answered your own question, i think ... IF you want a relationship without any secrets, then you have to tell her ... secrets will only eat away at your relationship ...

... but you may want to have a plan ahead of time before you tell her ... and have already made a total and decisive break with this woman on the internet ...

you both deserve an honest relationship ...

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#180859 - 09/18/07 12:15 AM Re: wracked with guilt [Re: selene]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I know yet i am filled with fear and as a result could lose her not to mention kill her emotionally.


Coop

PS: I created this therefore i have no one to blame but myself

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#180905 - 09/18/07 07:26 AM Re: wracked with guilt [Re: thecoopstah]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Coop:

I had originally posted a reply in great detail but for some reason today I am not trusting my own judgement. Please forgive me here for editing/deleting. All I wish to add to what Selene had mentioned above is to follow your heart. Deep within you know what to do and how to honor Lisa from this moment forward. You deserve all of the happiness this world has to offer, remember that.

Best wishes,
S-n-S



Edited by sweet-n-sour (09/18/07 07:50 AM)
_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#180910 - 09/18/07 08:45 AM Re: wracked with guilt [Re: sweet-n-sour]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Coop,

Just a question to ask.

Will telling her these things be beneficial to your relationship with her or destroy it? If it will destroy it then I would suggest you not tell her and take it up with your therapist for the time being. He/she can guide you through this minefield in a way that will help you establish not only better ways of coping, but also with excellent guidance in how and when to disclose to your lady.

In my opinion, just opening up and blurting it out can do nothing but harm to something you treasure. You need some professional guidance on this one, Bud, or I know I would at any rate. Take it from someone who's been through doing it the wrong way.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#180913 - 09/18/07 09:06 AM Re: wracked with guilt [Re: sweet-n-sour]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
Coop,

Lets start with what you know. That is you made a mistake but you have learned from it. What you did though at least the way I see it was not a relationship killer If you and your gf are truly in love with one another. But you will have to understand if she takes a while to gain trust again. You need to tell her but I don't think you need to go into the details more than what she ask. Take sometime to think about why this happened before you tell her because that will be one of her first questions and your answer and wording is where she will be looking for your honesty. Hopefully she will see what we do and that is you did not let things get totally out of hand before you knew that it was wrong and put the brakes on.

Take care.

Brokensoul.


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#180973 - 09/18/07 12:54 PM Re: wracked with guilt [Re: brokensoul]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
I agree, it's definately all in the words you use to tell her. I wish you the best of luck, be gentle but then again I suspect we all know that already.

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#181296 - 09/19/07 09:53 PM Re: wracked with guilt [Re: Agape Girl]
little_leo816 Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/15/07
Posts: 3
Loc: New York
Honesty is so important. about a year ago my bf cheated on me. he told me that he was drinking and had sex with another girl. it hurt me more than i can say, i have been betryed by every man i have ever known. at first i was so angry and hurt i could hardly stand to look at him. i was sure his cheating meant that he didn't love me and was not commited to me. but after talk openly about it i realized that he did love me. he loved me enough and had enough respect for me to tell me. that's what saved him. in my book it says a lot about someone's character if they do the right thing even if it could hurt them. the fact that he told me even though he was sure i would leave him, said more about his character then his mistake did (sorry for the run on sentence). he showed me that he was really, truly and deeply sorry and i was able to forgive him. the hardest part was not knowing why unfortunately to this day he still does not know why he did it.
so my advice is to reflect on why you did it and tell her. both of you will respect you more for it.
good luck, you seem like a good person who has made a mistake. if i can see that im sure she will too.


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#181302 - 09/19/07 10:23 PM Re: wracked with guilt [Re: little_leo816]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
honesty is so critical for me therefore i cannot allow ANYTHING to prevent me from being true to myself,although i was certain this would really hurt or even cripple her.

I know i damn sure dodged a bullet ( this time,there will not ever be a "next" time)because even though i told her i was so filled with fear and wracked with guitl and you know something it does not feel to good knowing you screwed up and yet able to muster the courage to allow the very person i love the most in all my life to know a part of me i'd much rather forget and do away with altogether.

thank you for your kind words and very good insight inot you seeing how i'm a good person,i am yet i really need to live by my motto..." always do the right thing even when no ones looking"....


Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#181306 - 09/19/07 10:32 PM Re: wracked with guilt [Re: brokensoul]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
thank you good and by extension you as well.
I hate(d) myself for being so fuckin selfish although simply telling her i need to stay away and cut all ties,and i have done as such,i sent her an email telling her i cannot talk or email you anymore.

People(lisa especially) are more forgiving and admire you when you're honest because otherwise the truth always surfaces in the end anyway.

When you tell the truth you don't need to remember anything.

I hope,although i cant predict the future of course,i never do this again because it's wrong,it's sneaky,manipulitive,and most of all it's a secret i do not want anything to do with....i told her yesterday of my major screw up and she took it well.


"IF" there is a next time(god willing there will never be) i'm not so sure she'll be so forgiving.


I take alot of pride in my honesty and i need not be a fool again...the jury however is still deliberating on my fate for more foolishness....


Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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