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#180742 - 09/17/07 09:55 AM Raul
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
I cannot tell my story.

So I am approaching this differently.

I have some pieces I am putting together. Maybe after I see the whole picture it will make sense. Or maybe I will be able to tell the story.

I don't know.


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#180744 - 09/17/07 10:00 AM Re: Raul [Re: rcm]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
The Nazis are coming

For several years I had a recurrent dream in which I saw myself hiding in a closet, just like when I was 14 years old. Sometimes it was Nazi soldiers, other times it was pirates. Most of the time it was the Nazi soldiers.

I have not had this dream for some time, maybe a couple of years. But it always left me with the most horrible feeling in my chest.

I have told this dream maybe one or two times. Once to my therapist. I had difficulty talking, getting the words out was very hard and I cried, I could hardly finish telling him about my dream.

In my dream, I am in a small village in Germany. I am in my home, a small two story house overlooking a busy street. Soldiers are marching into town.

I know they are coming to get me and I have to hide from them, get away.

In my house, there is a closet with a secret door. I am hiding in this secret place but I know they will find me. I can hear the noise of their boots marching in the street below.

I don't know why I'm hiding and I don't know why they are coming to get me, but I know they are after me.

Usually I'd wake up just as they were about to discover me, but I knew it was inevitable.

In my dream, I can hear them coming into the house and then into my room. I hear them looking around, suspicously. They are standing right next to me, behind the secret door. They know I am there.

The dream is very vivid. I can hear the sound the wooden floors make when people are walking around. I can hear them coming up the stairs. I can even distinguish a difference resonance when people are walking around in the first floor and then on the second floor. I can smell the carpet on the floor. I can hear their movement on the other side of the door. I know they know I am here. I feel as if they can even hear me breathing though I try hard not to make any noise.

I cannot see their faces. It is as if there were a shadow from their helmets that hides it and all I see is darkness or as if they had no face.

I feel they are standing there, waiting for me, even laughing or smiling between themselves. They are waiting just to make me suffer even more.

It's just a matter of time.


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#180798 - 09/17/07 02:33 PM Re: Raul [Re: rcm]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
I don't remember when I started doing this. Some of my memories are from when I was about 14 years old.

My bedroom had a single bed, a desk and a bedside table. I think the drapes were green. To this day, it is stll my favorite color. It reflects light, unlike blue which seems dark and absorbs light.

I have memories of spending long hours in my room. I kept the door locked, shades drawn. I was in the dark, I was afraid that if I had a light on they'd know I was there. Sometimes, I'd hide in the closet. I'd even try to stand behind my clothes so that if someone came in and opened the closet, they couldn't see me. I'd just stand there, motionless, afraid even to breathe.

I don't know what my family thought about this. Perhaps they thought it was typical adolescent behavior?

I don't know when I started doing this. I don't know how long it lasted. I don't know what anyone thought of this.

I didn't remember this until recently.

I do know that I carried this behaviour until adulthood. In fact, sometimes as I sit in my living room watching TV, if I hear one of my neighbhors walking down the hall to his unit, I have the same reaction.

I get anxious and quiet. Sometimes I even lower the volume on the TV. I didn't notice I was doing this until recent.


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