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#180734 - 09/17/07 09:40 AM The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
The Greatest Act of LOVE

I know that many of you feel that we where dishonest by not telling you about the abuse before we got married. Most of us didn't think there was anything important to tell. Shit the SA had no effect on our live so far and it wasn't going to effect our lifes together with you. What was there to tell.

We have been told all our lives to

Just Get Over IT - MOVE ON - PUT IT BEHIND YOU

Little did we know how it was all going to come back and rip our lives apart years later.


I just want to let you gals know that telling is the hardest thing in the world for us to do. But there was no choice, we love you and the family we created together.


Telling you truly was the

The Greatest Act of LOVE, EVER

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#180821 - 09/17/07 05:15 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Muldoon]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Thank you... I pray my husband feels that way one day and comes back home!!!! he does have a family that loves him !!!


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#180824 - 09/17/07 05:59 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: ptsdwife]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for my husband to carry around such a weight for most of his adult life...feeling isolated, full of shame and guilt for something he had no control over...then add having to see this brother throughout the years during family gatherings. I had no idea. He had told me all along that his brother-abuser was mean, but I did not fully understand the magnitude of what mean was until last summer. Although this has been one of the most difficult experiences that we have ever lived, I am grateful that he had the courage to disclose. I feel that regardless of it taking him 19 years to tell me about it, he is doing his best and I'm very proud of him for his strength and determination to work towards a better life for himself and our family.

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#241450 - 07/30/08 10:35 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: sweet-n-sour]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
i just wanted to bump this up. I think many of us here now, could benefit from reading these words.

Thank you Muldoon. NYDAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (07/30/08 10:36 PM)

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#241520 - 07/31/08 11:23 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: NY Daisy]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
NYDaisy thanks. I totally forgot I wrote these words.


Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#241528 - 07/31/08 11:56 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Muldoon]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Yep, I had to get over why didn't you trust me real quick. He needs me, he needs me to be strong, supportive and loving. He has enough guilt to deal with. I'm sad some days about all the wasted time, but it's not his fault....he could only do what he could do...and keeping that secret was very important to keeping him sane. It was the most intense, scary moment I've ever had the day I sat down and refused to listen to the "didn't happen" speech after I had some concrete knowledge of the abuse. His anger was huge, his fear bigger. I'll never forget the day he let it all out...he's not filled with rage anymore. Thanks for the reminder Muldoon.



Edited by dangal (07/31/08 12:06 PM)
_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#241529 - 07/31/08 12:01 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: dangal]
youthfulheart62 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/19/07
Posts: 93
Loc: New Jersey(exit3)
For me ,I thought as I got older It would not effect me.I would be more mature..but I didnt mature


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#241543 - 07/31/08 01:34 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: youthfulheart62]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
Wow Muldoon I needed to hear that. It is so hard wanting to help my husband so much and he is pushing me away. If he could only say that once he gets through this we could pick up our life again I would feel fine, but he doesn't say that. He is going to worry about him and his soul and when he takes care of that we will see. How can he feel like it is ok after all these years of being together and raising a family (20 yrs). He tells me he will always love me, maybe not as my husband but will always have love for me. What does that mean?
Thank you for your kind words.


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#241739 - 08/01/08 12:44 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: NY Daisy]
sparrowsong Offline


Registered: 07/31/08
Posts: 1
Hi everyone \:\)
I have just joined this site in support of my wonderful boyfriend, who recently opened up to me about his CSA. I can only imagine what a very vulnerable, scary moment it must have been for him when he told me. He is really the most important person in my life and though I had some moments of struggle regarding this site near the beginning(see post My Girlfriend and My Struggle), I am really so happy that he has found a positive, safe, and loving environment where he AND I can seek healing and support. Thank you all for being there for him.

He really must love me a lot to have told me, and this post has just reinforced that point in my heart and mind.


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#241750 - 08/01/08 01:16 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: sparrowsong]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
sparrowsong,

Welcome. I'm glad to see you and that you are supporting your b/f. This site is wonderful and I'm sure it will be of help to both you. One word of caution though. When partners post here, feelings can sometimes get a bit mixed up between the two of you as to what's OK to post and what's not. Sometimes one or the other of you may feel inhibited because the other is here. So, first, I recommend that the two of you speak and work out some ground rules that work for the two of you. Second, there is the membership option for one or both of you. With membership, there is an almost duplicate set of forums. The F&F can't see the MS forum and the MS can't see the F&F forum which allows more freedom if difficult issues are brought up. I'd love to see both of you become members, but I'll be honest and tell you that I seem to be quite alone in F&F at the moment, but the MS side is thriving and active. If you have any questions about this, let me know and I'll be happy to help out.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#241822 - 08/01/08 06:03 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Trish4850]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Sparrow:

WELCOME! I'm so excited you decided to join us! I had to read what Trish wrote for myself as my husband just joined. I don't think he'll be telling anyone who he's married to but we'll see what he does. I'm not sure if he'll ever even post. At least he's poking around. \:\)

I'm happy that you can now vent and get some support. You can also see what other men are feeling and see that what is going on with your man is not so different then how other men react to the abuse.

Welcome again

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#242691 - 08/06/08 12:04 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: dangal]
James Landrith Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 40
Loc: Alexandria, VA, USA
Originally Posted By: dangal
Yep, I had to get over why didn't you trust me real quick. He needs me, he needs me to be strong, supportive and loving. He has enough guilt to deal with. I'm sad some days about all the wasted time, but it's not his fault....he could only do what he could do...and keeping that secret was very important to keeping him sane. It was the most intense, scary moment I've ever had the day I sat down and refused to listen to the "didn't happen" speech after I had some concrete knowledge of the abuse. His anger was huge, his fear bigger. I'll never forget the day he let it all out...he's not filled with rage anymore. Thanks for the reminder Muldoon.


My wife got over it pretty quickly - or at least that is how it seems. As she is a survivor herself and her healing was very difficult and took nearly all 15 years of our marriage, I choked back my own issues to be there for her. I often feel guilty about telling her as (even though she denies it) she feels less able to come to me when she is triggered and needs comforting. I had repressed it for 17 years and then it all bubbled up in early May and smacked me around hard. It took me two months to work up the courage to tell her and only then because I froze up during sexual contact she initiated.

How do you tell your rape survivor wife that you were also raped but had kept it a secret not only from her but from yourself?

As both a secondary survivor and a survivor, I ask partners to understand that we are not being deceptive for the sake of it. We oftentimes can't admit it to ourselves, let alone our loved ones. I know it took me 17 years to admit it personally. I certainly couldn't tell her if I wasn't ready to accept the truth myself.

_________________________
Member of RAINN Speakers Bureau and syndicated blogger
Good Men Project author
Vice President, Men Recovering from Military Sexual Trauma
http://jameslandrith.com

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#242708 - 08/06/08 01:12 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: James Landrith]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
James, hi read your other post first in how did you know, ignore my questions. you answered them here.

My H always tells me that I have no idea what he went through, since I was not abused. you and your wife have shared a similar experience. you do have an idea what she went through, and so does she. I am sorry you both had to go through it,but use this common knowledge to your advantage, you each know first hand the pain and repercussions this has, so you may have a better handle than most of us on how to support the other.

your last paragraph was awesome. Thanks for sharing it.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#244156 - 08/12/08 09:22 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Muldoon]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
How to tell? One reason I'm on this forum is that I can't tell my wife. She's knows something's up but I just can't deal with that. I don't want to hurt her - or us - ever. I just wish I had your courage.


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#244163 - 08/12/08 10:06 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: oriolesguy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
oriolesguy,

Welcome to the F&F forum. I won't tell you that you have to tell your wife, but I will tell you that you should. As hard as knowing is, not knowing it worse and the fact that she knows "something's up" may mean she feels she is the cause of whatever it is. You won't hurt her by telling her the truth, but she will hurt - for you. The difference is that she's probably hurting now but has no idea why.

ROCK ON......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#244221 - 08/13/08 07:16 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Trish4850]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Trish..
Thanks for the welcome.
There's validity in what you say, but taking a risk like that is pretty scary. I know I should say something, but it's almost as though I would rather keep the pain with me than risk hurting her - or us. We've already been through a big tragedy before - we lost a son - and this - the other big tragedy in my life - happened to me, not to her. Don't you think it would be an unfair burden to her?


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#244225 - 08/13/08 07:47 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: oriolesguy]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
hi Oriolesguy
Welcome.
Trish is right, you should tell your wife. As a spouse we want to help you through this. I am married 20 years and my H is opening up to me everyday. I view him no different. Matter of fact I think I love him more. I want to be there to guide him through, hold his hand if need be.
He was shutting me out for a while, now he is different. He told me the more he talks about it the better he feels.
Sorry about the loss of your son, I am sure that brought you closer.
You will do what you feel you need to, but think about it. Would you want her to tell you if the rolls were reversed? You would want to be there for her correct?
Will keep you in my prayers.


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#244232 - 08/13/08 08:05 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Abigale]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6397
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
oriolesguy,

Have you seen my post on disclosure being a mistake? There are replies there in opposition and in support of the position.

Its in the F&F forum. I feel you ought to hear testimony from both sides.

Linked here

_________________________
Wish You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#244247 - 08/13/08 09:21 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Still]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Oriolesguy, consider this another comment from a partner.

My husband did NOT disclose to me voluntarily. For 4 months I watched him change without having any idea of what was going on with him. I listened to his rants, I took his abuse and in the end, it greatly effected by self-esteem. I thought all the problems in our marriage were because I was a bad wife.

His family felt horrible for me and assumed I knew about the CSA. When it was clear to them that he hadn't told me, I had noticed enough general remarks and knowing glances from one person to the next to spark my own theorizing. When it got to a point where the marriage was pretty much in the gutter and I felt I had nothing to lose, I asked him about it. He told me in a very non-emotional, high-level way.

I didn't want to hear it from anyone else. I wished he had come to me voluntarily. I feel horrible that I forced him to talk about something painful and something that he didn't want to share. But more than anything, I feel insulted that he didn't trust me enough. I feel hurt that he let me believe that everything was my fault. I feel disappointed that he watched me crumble and felt nothing of the pain that I had endured.

Since then, I've done my research. While I have set boundaries on what I am willing to take, I refuse to endure his abuse. I do understand that he likely isn't even aware of how poorly he is treating me. I also understand that it isn't fair to expect him to feel my pain when he can't yet deal with his own. As a result, I have taken charge of my life and my needs and have found the care and comfort that I require to deal with all of this, in other friends and family that love me.

The other people on this site that speak against disclosure make very significant arguments, ones that you should not disregard. I cannot imagine what it is like to share something so personal only to be blamed, shunned and rebuked. But, I CAN speak personally to what it is like to NOT know and still suffer the same outcome, without ever understanding why.

I cannot imagine what my mental state would be like right now if my H had refused to tell me. Despite the fact that our marriage is on its way to over, the best gift he ever gave me (and my H at one point was a very sweet and generous man) was that one moment of honesty. For that I will always be greatful.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#244338 - 08/13/08 06:29 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Junefriday]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Thanks for the responses. I'm wrestling with this constantly. Yes, the loss of our son brought us closer, but that was OUR pain. We shared it, and for the most part we have gotten to a point where we can deal with that. But being raped before I was married is MY pain. My marriage is pretty decent, and I'd like it to stay that way. Maybe I'm too much in a comfort zone with that, maybe I'm confused. I'm also ashamed as hell.
If the roles were reversed and I didn't know about it.... I don't know. I guess I'd want to know, but I'd first feel anger toward the perpetrator. I don't want anything to hurt what I love.
I'm trying to consider all options. I'm still confused.


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#244356 - 08/13/08 08:18 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: oriolesguy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
"Our pain" verses "your pain".......

As a wife of a man abused, I can tell you that you are correct, it's your pain, but you do not have to bare it alone. Secrets have a way of becoming a problem is thier own right. You will not be able to pretend forever that you have not been hurt terribly by this pain. At some point, this woman that you love and cherish will be looking in the mirror, tears streaming down her face, wondering what is wrong with her. Maybe not, but there are enough wives, and gf's here to tell you that it happened to them. When someone you love is hurting, in pain, and there seems to be no reason behind it, we tend to believe it's about us. More so if there are anger issues, or anything that might be vented on us. Since we do not have the cause, and we are getting the fallout, we feel something is wrong with the marriage, and us. For me my husband was so angry all the time, and for a long time, I knew it was my fault, he said it was, he treated me like it was, so I owned it all, then when I got strong enough to know that I was a good person, I just got angry at him and thought he was a real jerk...neither were true. I was a good enough wife, and he was not a jerk, just a hurting soul.

She's (your wife) probably a lot stronger then you think she is. I was a lot stronger then my husband thought I was. He's very glad he told me. Robbie's wife didn't do so well with it. I know there are other sides to this, I was just sharing mine.

Good luck, please keep us posted.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#244380 - 08/13/08 09:13 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: dangal]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
Oriolesguy,
If you aren't ready to tell your wife WHAT happened, can you maybe tell her that SOMETHING happened? Can you give her enough details so that she is reassured that the issue isn't her?

As a partner of a survivor, we've had many tough times. Before he told me that he was abused, I thought I was the problem in the relationship. I thought he just must not like me enough - I wasn't attractive enough, I wasn't funny enough, interesting enough, fill-in-the-blank I wasn't doing it enough. Once he told me, things changed. Sure it was hard - but this time it was hard for different reasons. We were a team, working to overcome the abuse together - rather than letter unknown (to me, known to him) issues divide us.

I've always thought that I had a very good sense of self-worth and a high level of self-confidence. Not knowing what was causing the problems in our relationship knocked that confidence to the ground. I was filled with self-doubt. All of those negative feelings vanished the moment my partner told me that the real issue was the abuse.

Everyone is right when they say that there will be pain involved. For me, it was a good kind of pain. I'm no longer mad at myself for not being able to sustain the relationship. And I'm not angry at my partner when he does things that are related to the abuse, but I'd rather he didn't do. Instead, I'm angry at the person who hurt my man. I'm pissed off at the people who didn't stop the abuse. And I'm sad that it took so many years for him to feel able to tell anyone. But if anything, disclosure has brought us closer together, because I know understand so much more about who he is.

I'll admit that I still carry around some of those self-doubts. It'll take a long time for them to go away. But we'll work on them little by little. And I know that if he hadn't disclosed, I'd be a scarred person, unsure of myself, and wondering what I was doing wrong.


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#244387 - 08/13/08 09:26 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: rchsweetie]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
I've been pretty good up til now with hiding the pain. I have a good relationship, but I know I act confused and she largely blames that on my dysfunctional family and how I was brought up However, the issue is still with me and not going away. I don't know if anything will make it go away forever.
The big irony here is that my wife works in a counseling center, and she works with rape victims, substance abusers, victims of domestic violence, etc. A therapist might be a consideration, but I don't want to spend time away from home that might make things look suspicious. I've never cheated on her, and won't.
If I sound confused, it's because I am. I'm still thinking.

Oriolesguy


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#244431 - 08/14/08 01:13 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: oriolesguy]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Oriolesguy-
Just a thought here, but maybe the fact that she has the job she does makes it harder to even think about sharing anything w/ her than if it were otherwise. I know also for myself, there's been a conflict between wanting desperately for someone to just "know" w/o me having to tell, and feeling like nobody should ever know... neither feeling is logical or productive, but they are there.

In the past, it's been a habit for me to develop convoluted plans, to avoid dealing with others as to why i am the way i am, but they only ever led in the long run to more complications, confusion, pain, and the need to figure a way out of the new mess created... I don't have an answer, but i see more trouble ahead if you try to have your cake and eat it too, the way i used to. A house of cards can be built to the size of a fortress, but it still only takes one random gust of air to knock it all down...

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#245652 - 08/19/08 10:41 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: dgoods]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Dgoods...
Yes, I do that. I don't want anyone to know, but I do. You all know, but you don't know me by face, name, etc. Anyone who knew what happened to me personally...... I don't know, I have fear of feeling more shame (when is it enough?), of not being believed, of being dismissed with a "Get over it" attitude. Couldn't handle that.
Oriolesguy


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#246512 - 08/25/08 04:39 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: oriolesguy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Bump!

For a few of the new ladies. \:\)

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#247387 - 08/30/08 07:17 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: dangal]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, to you all.
Well this is tough, my CSA memories came back to me in the last month and in particular in the last three weeks. I know my wife as she had met my niece in the USA just over a year ago. Now it was the first time in 30+ years since I had seen her (she still was a very young girl), well during these 30+ years we had no contact until we were invited to my cousins 75th birthday in Texas and my niece was there because me and my wife were coming from Germany. Well during those 40 years she was a CSA victim, by her brother, her mother (my sisters) various boy friends. with the complete knowledge of her mother. So she was married twice, divorced twice, has two children (adults) now. After she came to terms with her CSA she had decided that she was really a lesbian, in feelings and in love. When they passed the same sex law in Massachusetts she and her lover got married, with the blessings of her two children (adults). So when my wife first saw her she made the comment that she looked like a boy rather than a female. She is very small and fragile, and she was with her 15 year old son. So my wife put a great distance between her and my niece, she made some rude comments to me about her. So when all my CSA memories came to the surface 55+ years after the fact, I was in a very deep depression, about those long buried memories, I usually stayed in the dark so she couldn't see me trembling, choking up, stomach in knots and me dying inside my soul. I cried to myself, I tried to shake the memories, I put on my C&W cd's and turned the volume up trying to drown out those memories, no such luck, there was no more turning back it's too late. So she had seen my mood swings, she was in my path of vengence, all tho she had nothing to do with it. It was almost her 71st birthday and I asked her what she wanted for her birthday and she said you (me). Well I had only disclosed my secret to three persons, the therapist, and two of my closest military friends. There was no way in hell that I was going to tell her, not now seeing the way that she treated my niece, I wouldn't stand a chance. So I posted a few notes on these various fourums about disclosing. I read them the pro's and con's and a few from our female guests. When we get married we are supposed to become one. Well mine only got half of one, as those long memories were still deeply buried. So I told her that I would think about giving her ME for her birthday over the weekend. Well I sat her down and just gave a short blurb that I was sexually molested by my mother, a friend of the family and some total strangers. Well I got no respones, except that she blurted out to me Oh you want to leave me and marry a guy. I just ended the story there and let her try and digest it. The next day at lunch she asked me some more questions, and I got pissed off and told her OK you want me, ok sit down and I'll give me the half that was missing, so I got my printed copy of my story my secret (posted on another page) I went down the a Boy and his secret list in the last memorable detail of what they did to me and what I had done to them. Well still no response, no wow now I know just why you are the way that you are, no hug of compassion, nothing. Ok maybe information overload on my part, I'll give her more time to digest it. Well my therapist asked me to bring her with me for our next session if she wants to come. Well supprise she did, and it was just her and my therapist talking about her feelings toward me, I just sat there and did I get an ear full, she was going to leave me, she just couldn't understand just why now all these things came out, why didn't I tell her when we got married? She just couldn't understand that those things were buried in the deepest part of my mind and soul and they are just surfacing, she was on the end of my mood swings, she was at the end of my anger, she was on the end of my shame, uslessness, never amount to anything part of me. It wasn't her fault at all, but she got all of my frustrations. She finally came around after my therapist explained it all to her, plus I have made copies of the newsletters of the first person stories, explaining to her that it has to be triggered by something, and what it does we are not ourselfs anymore, I was a boy crying inside for help. Well we are now dealing with my CSA, we have a better emotional experience with each other that wasn't there before. Am I glad I told her? I really don't that anybody can really comprehend & understand what we went through. But if it makes us ONE than ok it was worth it. I hope that this makes some sense.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#248028 - 09/03/08 02:29 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Trish4850]
Supporter1 Offline


Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
Thanks Muldoon for the reminder. I cherish Mike Lew's chapter in Victims No Longer aimed at those of us who are in loving relationships with CSA survivors. He writes that once a survivor begins to confront his abuse and issues, that "all bets are off". It's a hard reality to face for those who see someone they love suffering, but it's true. So much reassessment, search for understanding, disorientation, re-evaluation, confusion, and search for identity. There's so much to see through, that it helps immeasureably to be reminded that disclosure is an expression of trust and love.


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#248596 - 09/08/08 06:01 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Muldoon]
ali ahsan Offline


Registered: 09/08/08
Posts: 3
hi,

I have just joined this site in support of my wonderful boyfriend, who recently opened up to me about his CSA. I can only imagine what a very vulnerable, scary moment it must have been for him when he told me. He is really the most important person in my life and though I had some moments of struggle regarding this site near the beginning(see post My Girlfriend and My Struggle), I am really so happy that he has found a positive, safe, and loving environment where he AND I can seek healing and support. Thank you all for being there for him.


tnkx.


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#248714 - 09/08/08 09:10 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: ali ahsan]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
So much sounds positive about disclosure, yet I'm scared to death. I don't want to hurt the one person who means so much . Especially the way I got hurt. In a way, I think that I have the pain, but why would I want someone else to have to share that pain? I am trying to cope with it.... most times I think I'm OK......but there are nightmares, and lack of focus (I can be a ditzbrain) and the occasional flashback. I need some more thoughts from out there.....

oriolesguy


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#252032 - 09/30/08 03:14 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: oriolesguy]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, everyone, it's the old guy again.
Well it has finally happened to me, my wife for the first time since I disclosed my secret to her (19 Aug) and after some difficult times for me emotionally she last night in bed could see that I couldn't sleep and she told me to come to her side of the bed, I did we snuggled up to each other and she told me that she LOVES me, yep the ME that I now am, for me that was the greatest act of love.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#252052 - 09/30/08 08:39 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: petercorbett]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Pete:

Congrats on that level of intimacy. I just told my wife of 27 years this past Sunday, and she has been great! Last night, for the first time in a very, very long time, we snuggled up close to each and fell asleep holding on to each other. That was so cool! I wonder what will happen next, nudge, nudge, wink wink?

You might even end up feeling not so "old"!

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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