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#244356 - 08/13/08 08:18 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: oriolesguy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
"Our pain" verses "your pain".......

As a wife of a man abused, I can tell you that you are correct, it's your pain, but you do not have to bare it alone. Secrets have a way of becoming a problem is thier own right. You will not be able to pretend forever that you have not been hurt terribly by this pain. At some point, this woman that you love and cherish will be looking in the mirror, tears streaming down her face, wondering what is wrong with her. Maybe not, but there are enough wives, and gf's here to tell you that it happened to them. When someone you love is hurting, in pain, and there seems to be no reason behind it, we tend to believe it's about us. More so if there are anger issues, or anything that might be vented on us. Since we do not have the cause, and we are getting the fallout, we feel something is wrong with the marriage, and us. For me my husband was so angry all the time, and for a long time, I knew it was my fault, he said it was, he treated me like it was, so I owned it all, then when I got strong enough to know that I was a good person, I just got angry at him and thought he was a real jerk...neither were true. I was a good enough wife, and he was not a jerk, just a hurting soul.

She's (your wife) probably a lot stronger then you think she is. I was a lot stronger then my husband thought I was. He's very glad he told me. Robbie's wife didn't do so well with it. I know there are other sides to this, I was just sharing mine.

Good luck, please keep us posted.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#244380 - 08/13/08 09:13 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: dangal]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
Oriolesguy,
If you aren't ready to tell your wife WHAT happened, can you maybe tell her that SOMETHING happened? Can you give her enough details so that she is reassured that the issue isn't her?

As a partner of a survivor, we've had many tough times. Before he told me that he was abused, I thought I was the problem in the relationship. I thought he just must not like me enough - I wasn't attractive enough, I wasn't funny enough, interesting enough, fill-in-the-blank I wasn't doing it enough. Once he told me, things changed. Sure it was hard - but this time it was hard for different reasons. We were a team, working to overcome the abuse together - rather than letter unknown (to me, known to him) issues divide us.

I've always thought that I had a very good sense of self-worth and a high level of self-confidence. Not knowing what was causing the problems in our relationship knocked that confidence to the ground. I was filled with self-doubt. All of those negative feelings vanished the moment my partner told me that the real issue was the abuse.

Everyone is right when they say that there will be pain involved. For me, it was a good kind of pain. I'm no longer mad at myself for not being able to sustain the relationship. And I'm not angry at my partner when he does things that are related to the abuse, but I'd rather he didn't do. Instead, I'm angry at the person who hurt my man. I'm pissed off at the people who didn't stop the abuse. And I'm sad that it took so many years for him to feel able to tell anyone. But if anything, disclosure has brought us closer together, because I know understand so much more about who he is.

I'll admit that I still carry around some of those self-doubts. It'll take a long time for them to go away. But we'll work on them little by little. And I know that if he hadn't disclosed, I'd be a scarred person, unsure of myself, and wondering what I was doing wrong.


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#244387 - 08/13/08 09:26 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: rchsweetie]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
I've been pretty good up til now with hiding the pain. I have a good relationship, but I know I act confused and she largely blames that on my dysfunctional family and how I was brought up However, the issue is still with me and not going away. I don't know if anything will make it go away forever.
The big irony here is that my wife works in a counseling center, and she works with rape victims, substance abusers, victims of domestic violence, etc. A therapist might be a consideration, but I don't want to spend time away from home that might make things look suspicious. I've never cheated on her, and won't.
If I sound confused, it's because I am. I'm still thinking.

Oriolesguy


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#244431 - 08/14/08 01:13 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: oriolesguy]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Oriolesguy-
Just a thought here, but maybe the fact that she has the job she does makes it harder to even think about sharing anything w/ her than if it were otherwise. I know also for myself, there's been a conflict between wanting desperately for someone to just "know" w/o me having to tell, and feeling like nobody should ever know... neither feeling is logical or productive, but they are there.

In the past, it's been a habit for me to develop convoluted plans, to avoid dealing with others as to why i am the way i am, but they only ever led in the long run to more complications, confusion, pain, and the need to figure a way out of the new mess created... I don't have an answer, but i see more trouble ahead if you try to have your cake and eat it too, the way i used to. A house of cards can be built to the size of a fortress, but it still only takes one random gust of air to knock it all down...

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#245652 - 08/19/08 10:41 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: dgoods]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Dgoods...
Yes, I do that. I don't want anyone to know, but I do. You all know, but you don't know me by face, name, etc. Anyone who knew what happened to me personally...... I don't know, I have fear of feeling more shame (when is it enough?), of not being believed, of being dismissed with a "Get over it" attitude. Couldn't handle that.
Oriolesguy


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#246512 - 08/25/08 04:39 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: oriolesguy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Bump!

For a few of the new ladies. \:\)

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#247387 - 08/30/08 07:17 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: dangal]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, to you all.
Well this is tough, my CSA memories came back to me in the last month and in particular in the last three weeks. I know my wife as she had met my niece in the USA just over a year ago. Now it was the first time in 30+ years since I had seen her (she still was a very young girl), well during these 30+ years we had no contact until we were invited to my cousins 75th birthday in Texas and my niece was there because me and my wife were coming from Germany. Well during those 40 years she was a CSA victim, by her brother, her mother (my sisters) various boy friends. with the complete knowledge of her mother. So she was married twice, divorced twice, has two children (adults) now. After she came to terms with her CSA she had decided that she was really a lesbian, in feelings and in love. When they passed the same sex law in Massachusetts she and her lover got married, with the blessings of her two children (adults). So when my wife first saw her she made the comment that she looked like a boy rather than a female. She is very small and fragile, and she was with her 15 year old son. So my wife put a great distance between her and my niece, she made some rude comments to me about her. So when all my CSA memories came to the surface 55+ years after the fact, I was in a very deep depression, about those long buried memories, I usually stayed in the dark so she couldn't see me trembling, choking up, stomach in knots and me dying inside my soul. I cried to myself, I tried to shake the memories, I put on my C&W cd's and turned the volume up trying to drown out those memories, no such luck, there was no more turning back it's too late. So she had seen my mood swings, she was in my path of vengence, all tho she had nothing to do with it. It was almost her 71st birthday and I asked her what she wanted for her birthday and she said you (me). Well I had only disclosed my secret to three persons, the therapist, and two of my closest military friends. There was no way in hell that I was going to tell her, not now seeing the way that she treated my niece, I wouldn't stand a chance. So I posted a few notes on these various fourums about disclosing. I read them the pro's and con's and a few from our female guests. When we get married we are supposed to become one. Well mine only got half of one, as those long memories were still deeply buried. So I told her that I would think about giving her ME for her birthday over the weekend. Well I sat her down and just gave a short blurb that I was sexually molested by my mother, a friend of the family and some total strangers. Well I got no respones, except that she blurted out to me Oh you want to leave me and marry a guy. I just ended the story there and let her try and digest it. The next day at lunch she asked me some more questions, and I got pissed off and told her OK you want me, ok sit down and I'll give me the half that was missing, so I got my printed copy of my story my secret (posted on another page) I went down the a Boy and his secret list in the last memorable detail of what they did to me and what I had done to them. Well still no response, no wow now I know just why you are the way that you are, no hug of compassion, nothing. Ok maybe information overload on my part, I'll give her more time to digest it. Well my therapist asked me to bring her with me for our next session if she wants to come. Well supprise she did, and it was just her and my therapist talking about her feelings toward me, I just sat there and did I get an ear full, she was going to leave me, she just couldn't understand just why now all these things came out, why didn't I tell her when we got married? She just couldn't understand that those things were buried in the deepest part of my mind and soul and they are just surfacing, she was on the end of my mood swings, she was at the end of my anger, she was on the end of my shame, uslessness, never amount to anything part of me. It wasn't her fault at all, but she got all of my frustrations. She finally came around after my therapist explained it all to her, plus I have made copies of the newsletters of the first person stories, explaining to her that it has to be triggered by something, and what it does we are not ourselfs anymore, I was a boy crying inside for help. Well we are now dealing with my CSA, we have a better emotional experience with each other that wasn't there before. Am I glad I told her? I really don't that anybody can really comprehend & understand what we went through. But if it makes us ONE than ok it was worth it. I hope that this makes some sense.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#248028 - 09/03/08 02:29 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Trish4850]
Supporter1 Offline


Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
Thanks Muldoon for the reminder. I cherish Mike Lew's chapter in Victims No Longer aimed at those of us who are in loving relationships with CSA survivors. He writes that once a survivor begins to confront his abuse and issues, that "all bets are off". It's a hard reality to face for those who see someone they love suffering, but it's true. So much reassessment, search for understanding, disorientation, re-evaluation, confusion, and search for identity. There's so much to see through, that it helps immeasureably to be reminded that disclosure is an expression of trust and love.


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#248596 - 09/08/08 06:01 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Muldoon]
ali ahsan Offline


Registered: 09/08/08
Posts: 3
hi,

I have just joined this site in support of my wonderful boyfriend, who recently opened up to me about his CSA. I can only imagine what a very vulnerable, scary moment it must have been for him when he told me. He is really the most important person in my life and though I had some moments of struggle regarding this site near the beginning(see post My Girlfriend and My Struggle), I am really so happy that he has found a positive, safe, and loving environment where he AND I can seek healing and support. Thank you all for being there for him.


tnkx.


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#248714 - 09/08/08 09:10 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: ali ahsan]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
So much sounds positive about disclosure, yet I'm scared to death. I don't want to hurt the one person who means so much . Especially the way I got hurt. In a way, I think that I have the pain, but why would I want someone else to have to share that pain? I am trying to cope with it.... most times I think I'm OK......but there are nightmares, and lack of focus (I can be a ditzbrain) and the occasional flashback. I need some more thoughts from out there.....

oriolesguy


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